Sometimes the foot pressing down my heart pushes down
And again i am stuck in the loop
For you

You look at me like i look at him
The longing is overwhelming and i can’t help but spin
I never meant to feel so deeply for him that i forgot that you existed
But i need to follow what my heart is telling me even if it never works
I can’t give you what you want

treasure the little things,
like dogs
or pizza

i don’t know anybody who is happier in december than they are in july

sometimes things just fall apart
there’s no fixing them because it’s beyond fixable
so throw it out and get a new one

people always ask why i hate christmas
i always tell them that it’s overrated
i never mention the crushing weight of feeling as if i owe one month of happiness to my family
or how the happy families make my heart break under the knowing that i will never have that again
or the loss of so many so close to me and so many traditions gone that it’s so hard not to hate it when you are forged on the grounds of bad memories

you can always tell yourself that you’re fine
but if you don’t believe it
did it really happen?

usually when somebody takes off their rose colored glasses
they understand more
become more intune with their feelings
appreciate their friends and begin to love more
all it does is remind me how lonely i am

you wonder if you’ll ever recover from the overwhelming pain
and if you don’t?
what can you do?
you fear the future but hate the present
where can you go?
you’re running around in circles unable to break free

i watch as the people around me laugh and talk about their lives
i’ve never felt more alone than i do in a high school cafeteria
it’s too loud to hear but too quiet to talk

how long did it take you to forget?
the overwhelming pain that latches onto your heart and won’t let go
it will always be there
watching
waiting
for you to break
you are surrounded and there is nothing you can do to rid of it
because this is what your life is now
constantly drowning in the waters that are depression

my psychic asks, “what are you thinking?”
i say, “Shouldn’t you be telling me the answer?”
then i realize that it’s my therapist,
wrong appointment

i wish someone would look at me and know that i’m worth more than what you see at first glance
i’ve spent so much time being treated as if i’ll never be good enough that i’m worried that i never will be
my words always fall upon deaf ears
no matter how hard i try i can never make them stay
a side effect of life is always the soul bounding feeling of never having enough

i have been waiting for so long for my heart to heal
i’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel okay
to know that you’re life is in control and as if you weren’t going to break at any second
if i’d just let myself stitch itself together instead of ripping it apart time after time again

you can ignore the emptiness of your mind with fuzziness and love
but it always comes back
you can’t chase away the pain without facing it

you never had me
you just want to think you did

things change so fast that you won’t know till it’s over
the flowers are gone and the dirt is dry
trees are bare and the air is frigid
you feel like your heart could explode at any second but you hold it in
just because the seasons change doesn’t mean that its always bad
lights and songs don’t mean you lost your innocence forever
not even as if it feels like you can never go back to the person you were before
just wait for the rain to fall and learn to heal

sometimes feeling nothing more than the outer emotion of attraction is better
you don’t have to experience your heart breaking in two while watching them leave instead of watching movies with your sister
or sitting in the corner of your friends bed thinking of them instead of having fun
sometimes it’s better to feel nothing in order to begin to feel something other than heartbreak

sometimes
i stare up at the moon while sitting on the front steps
and wish for something better
searching so deep for hope
hope that's been wasted on silly things
i could've repaired family relationships
or spent more time reflecting on myself
but instead
i made a mess and now i have to clean it up
and then i realize staring at the moon won’t help me

things were good,
but then they were bad
i don’t know how to feel about the outcome

i hear the ocean sometimes
i can almost see it,
reach out and almost touch
then, it disappears

flowers that climb to tickle the bottoms of your feet,
falling just to pick yourself up and do it again.
swirl of no-worries, no cloud of darkness
***** hands, messy hair.
something good before the bad