you captured my heart
by the way you told me
to not be scared of love
that not all men are like my dad.

or maybe it was the simple thing you do
like noticing every little detail of me
like how my eyes resemble your cup of latte
unlike other girls's black coffee.
how it's blinking when
i talk bout things i am passionate about
or how it saddens me to see beggars
or how i easily cry during movies

'like Sadness from Inside Out', you said;
my head is full of overthinking thoughts
'i don't like figuring you out', you would say.

or maybe it was because you care about me
in a way nobody had ever
'let's visit your mother's grave sometimes'.

or how i could feel your sympathy
when i told you about my dark past
and the secrets i've never told anyone
and you remain silent.
'it was my first time holding my tears in front of a girl',
you later confessed.

and maybe it's because you know
what i would like to do in life
my perspective of life
my fears, secrets and dreams

or maybe it was just simply because of you
and your absurd too-many-questions.
or how you would ask me for a high five
and ended up capturing my hand in yours
and intertwining it with yours.

or your sudden 'i miss you's
and your warm hugs
your hand wrapped around me
or you pulling my nose playfully
you telling me 'i love you's
or those looks you give me
as if i can feel your sincerity and affections
and how you understand what i feel
without me telling you about it.

'i feel like i can instantly know what you feel',
you claimed.
'i have never felt so emotionally connected with someone before', you said.
'i will not tell anyone about your secrets. it will be safe with me'.

'but i am not looking for anyone or anything serious right now',
you added

'i want you to know that i am your best friend.
and honestly, you are my number one best friend.
you can count on me.
i don't want you
to avoiding me
i want us to remain friends'.


and you know what happened at the rest of the story.

'I don't think you're capable of loving anyone',
he said
hands on steering wheel
twinkling eyes on the road

breath in.
breath out.
suddenly i forgot how to breath
pang on my chest
'but i love you' - i wanted to scream so bad.

but how could i say it
when i had never done that
how could i say it
when i had never learned to say it
how could i say it
when i had never loved anyone
before you
show me
teach me how
please
wait
a little bit
longer
as i
learn
how to love
for
there was
no one
else
before you

i desperately wanted to say so.
yet i let a little pained laugh.
'of course I am', I answered.
'tell me at least one person that you love other than your family'.
i could sense it
your hope dangling
you had been patiently waiting for me to say it out loud
yet still
how to say it?
how
say it, please.
now
please

i feel your disappointment
within those silence.
and i'm sorry.
for i could not say it out loud.
but i loved you.
and i still do.

*yet you're gone before i could even learn to say it.
and now
you left me screaming it to the world out loud alone

I wonder what come across your mind
when you see me now
passing by acting like a stranger
as if we had never been in each other’s life
as if we had never grazed each other’s skin
as if we had never craved to be in each other’s side
as if I had never open up my soul for you
does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you are alone driving midnight
and finding the passenger seat empty
occupied by the ghost of me
‘you always take control of the audio player in every single car’.
do you just listen to the radio now?

I wonder what come across your mind
everytime you get into your car
buckle up for your ride
do you still hear the ghost of my voice telling you to put your seatbelt on?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you spend most of the nights watching movies
till 4am
losing sleep
are you suddenly reminded about how i always whine and hate when you do it

I wonder what come across your mind
when you open the backseat of your car
and find the yellow pillow that belongs to me
i used to hug it all the time
does it still smell like me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when our songs play on the radio
or the songs that I used to love
yet you hated it
do you skip the song now?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you find little things that are my belongings
like my handwriting of your name
across your books
carved it’s ink deep
on a piece of paper
leaving it’s mark
do you ever think of ripping it?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you are at the coffeeshop
that we once claimed as home
where you told me you missed me
for the first time
have you ever been there since our last time?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you look at your cup of coffee
the smell of it
and your first sip of your hot latte
does it resemble me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when you look at her
do you compare her with me?
is there anything of hers that remind you of me?

I wonder what come across your mind
when our memories suddenly surfaced
do you try to block it?
or is that the reason why you bring her
to places we used to go?

I wonder what come across your mind
when someone said my name between the conversation
do you think to yourself ‘I broke her heart’ over and over again
or
does it make your chest heavy
or
do you even care

I wonder what come across your mind
when you can not sleep at night
is there a part of me
that cross your mind?
are you sorry for ever hurting me?
are you even wondering what am I doing
or how I’m doing
do you ever meet me in your sleep
and dream of how I love you true
*do you regret for ever hurting me