That one night in bed, I felt the energy of all our innocent needs and desires. We both had a loss for words, struggling to explain this powerful feeling.
But then

You revealed it,
"okay I'll just say it, I think there's something between us."
That was thee moment.

I.
Some may call it an excuse.
I believe it’s a gift.
Thoughts have no end,
A story pours out
About coincidentally
Finding a penny
With his birth year
To how he has the same
Birthday
As Mariah Carey
To End with a passionate debate on
Who is better?
Mariah or Ariana.
With my original question being,
“Where are you?”

Not a mental disorder but,
A diverse perspective of the world.

He Illustrated


II.
“ADHD is like
I’m watching TV when
I remember I was going to make a hot pocket
So I put my hot pocket in the microwave
Go back to watch TV when
I get a message asking me about my day.
Beep
Oh my hot pocket!
Shoot, I have to do laundry.
Okay But I have to turn the TV off.
My day?
-It was all right, yours?
Dam it! Where’s the remote?
Aw, my hot pocket is cold now.
Forget it-”

Grieve they say
Weep, it's normal.
Let yourself endure.
These are all things i've preached in the past.
Presently, I'm conscious, some heartache is too agonizing to accept.
I've extinguished my responsiveness.
How?
Uncertain.
I just dont contemplate about it.
If Im compelled to talk about it, I, to some extent just say it without thinking or perceiving.
I know i'd never be able to function if I let myself feel the emptyness I have inside.
Will I ever let myself feel?
Thats a question that currently doesnt have an answer.
I soley wish It would escape from my memory.

For an eternity i've been hand in hand with this breath taking creature.
Love? Deeply
Confort? Indefinitely
Lust? To long for
Passion? From the start
In conclusion? Ended with a shattered heart
Forsaken &&Irrecoverable;
As time passes, Exploration for affection to consume the emptyness within takes place.
I begin to catch sight of this new presence that was once casual to me.
Relishing in one's physique.
Aspiring for one's embrace.
Conceptualizing internally, craving absoluteness over indulging in surreptitious entanglement with one that will never fathom.

Thank you for making this easier for me.
You took yourself out of my life while we were still pretending to be together.
Photos I could've never erased.
Passion I could've never forgot.
Love I could've never let go of.
You've become this evil that I dont remember falling for.
5 years of my life, a few of them wasted with lies, deceit, manipulation, and unfaithfulness.
I dont know how or why, but I know its over.
Nobody has ever hurt me as much as you.
Who knows how long it'll take me to get over you.
Who knows if I can ever fall for someone as hard as I fell for you.
Who knows when i'll open my heart again.
Im lost, confused, and breathless.
I feel pathetic
I hate you so much but I cant stop thinking about you.
Waiting around like an idiot waiting for a text, call, or something.
I cant wait for the day where I could care less.
The day where someone better takes my breath away.
Until then, i'll stay strong.

To love someone is not as simple as it seems.
Once you discover the meaning to love, it becomes a chronic drug.
Love is not just one feeling, but an array of emotions strung together.

I'm worried I have deactivated my emotions, My subconscious has forced my body numb and my mind astray.
I can't seem to think clearly
It's like I've forgotten already.
But how?
Its way too soon to have forgotten.
I ask myself "this is big, how can you forgive?"
My answer: Simple, I'm addicted.
They ask me "what's wrong with you? How can you go back to him?"
My answer: I can't explain.

Psychotic.
How can I love someone who has done nothing but hurt me over and over?
How can there ever be trust?
How will we get through this?
I ask myself several questions everyday.
Still have no answers.
Except,
He's my drug.
And I'm in love.

Loneliness is the darkest, most oppressive emotion that should never be suffered.
It takes full control of your being and drains the life out of you.
I've never thought of time alone as an evil endeavor.
I used to enjoy contemplating my dreams and desires.
But ever since I lost the man who created me, I haven't been the same, and it's the most minimal, almost subconscious.
I often debate if that's even the reason.
Crying is all that releases when left alone.
I have a hole in me that can only be hidden with your love and affection.
But now even with your presence I'm in solitude because your not the man I fell in love with anymore, and I'm vacant without you.
Trapped.
Lost.
Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Isolated.
Unwanted.
Qua­rantined.

Im happy.
All my worries have been embraced and turned to paper.
Im not experienced but i know how to live without emotional strain.
Its not only him who makes me ecstatic, its me doing all that completes me.
I want it all at times but i let the moment come.
Its easier that way.
but i'm not as strong as everyone thinks i am.
i put on a show so nobody will know.
when i find time to be alone, my weaknesses appear from beyond the darkness.
ready to attack all that manufactures me.
and then i break, crumble and fall,
i fall to an abyss
and theres no climbing out until I'm no longer alone.
so i try, to always keep buried in my ambitions.
because no matter what happens above ground
i appreciate my meaning to live.

I don't know what to think, what to feel, or what to do. I have so many emotions bottled up inside Im like a rain cloud ready to bring on a storm. He says he loves me but then destroys me.
Over.
And over.
And over.
And over.
Continuously, like its a natural habit.
How can a single human being be so cruel to someone who gives there life to them.
I feel unhealthy not from not eating right ,
because i do,
and not from not exercising enough,
because i do,
but from concealing my feelings in a jar too small.
Living everyday as if the pain is not eating me from the inside, screaming to be let out.
Holding my breath for as long as possible until i have to gasp for oxygen, but even then thats not enough.
Not merely mad, but disappointed , and not only in him for lying but in me for containing excessive hope.
Hope that this love would be epic and this story would be magical and that everything would be almost perfect.

To feel alone is an emotion that destroys
everything
          you
                  are.
Makes you lose yourself, forget who you are and
why
            your
                     alive.
Let all take their shape and don't
fear
          the
                            extraneous.
Step out of the concealed box and free yourself from the pain that controls you.
Speak never of the impossible, for it may be the death of you.
Peer deeper into your entity so you may believe
in
         love
                    again.
Find a love that consumes
you
         with
                     passion.
Hold onto hope, for it will be the
path
         to
                           happiness.
Take into consideration, your humanity.

Never let the world bring you down,

Your Beautiful.

You know,

Sometimes when you hangout with your friends I try,
I try to believe your really doing what you tell me your doing.
I tell myself, "It's okay, I trust him. Don't worry."
A few moments go by.
My mind goes back to those four months,
For months I thought our relationship was almost perfect.
But those months were filled with lies,
Secrets,
Cheating.
After a year, I still haven't' let myself feel it.
I don't want to believe it's real.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it was just a dream.
I contemplate all my questions.
Why did he do it?
How could he do that for four months and come home to me like if everything is fine.
It was completely against anything he has ever said to me.


On days where he kissed her,
Did he come home and kiss me?
Did she kiss better?
Why her?
Was she prettier?
Where did i think you were when you were with her?
& Where was I?


These are the reasons why I can't trust you.
All I wanted was you to live up to your word.
Be committed.

All I got was a liar.

But I can't stop loving you.