It's out of my chest now,
this thudding pain
is not
of me
Instead i get to watch
it beat and struggle
with itself
not sure
Why
it hurts so badly
to simply exist
as one
alone

The tears leave paths
down my face
across my self
Cutting deep in grooves
Indentations
where I can still feel
You

Your touch
running across my cheeks
falling
I walk down those trails
aimlessly
because you are still
there

There are stories in your eyes.

I never told you how
sometimes I fell asleep
with the thought that you
were perhaps the moon-

always disappearing
with the dawn.

A child called to me.
"Hello over there."
I didn't respond.
"Thank you for your service, mister."
I pretended not to hear her.

I was invited to dance later that night.
"Will you join me?"
I refused.
"Do you want to go get a drink?"
My false smile evaporated.

I could go on. This isn't even worth reading. I just have nobody to talk to and so much to say. I only wish listeners weren't so full of flesh and blood.

I outfitted my worn-out clothes
Then in the far mirror, I see myself
I look behind the old me
Look pass the masked he wears,
Staring…  

After what seems like a few seconds,
I finally asked him;

“Have I neglected you?”

He didn’t answer…
A single tear fell in his left eye
And then I understood…

“I am sorry, I let you stay behind
masked for too long
muffled you for quite some time.
We all know society is cruel place to be.
We need to be strong and I needed to be stronger.
It was for our sake.
But then it was just me being a coward
                            - afraid to faced reality.

Now look at us, we’re both crying for the decisions
we’ve made long ago. It was not your fault,
I’m to blame with all of this crap.
I made you do it, I convinced you with my
Fears. And I am truly sorry for that.”

I break down into sobs. He simply hugs me, not saying anything.
Then he fades away.

I dried away the tears I shed
And found something,
     a feeling I never knew he give.
I found forgiveness.
I was able to forgive myself
From the things I did.
To stay past the past mistake,
To face the new kinda old me…

Then I realized;
It is important to forgive yourself
To be able to move forward.





written 09/27/2014
*© Pax