Seconds
  Minutes
Hours
  Days
Blurring by
  In a spectacular haze

I don't light up to open my mind,
     But to temporarily silence the demons.
    And right now
   The monsters are climbing into
  My eyes
      Ears
  Mouth
Heart
  And ripping apart
     Every solid piece of myself
           I used to care about.

      They’re laughing,
     Dripping venom,
    Burning me over and
  Over and
OVER again.
Making me scream so silently
That no one else knows.  
  No one else can hear
   The fleshy sound of
    Wet skin
     Being torn
      From the outside, in.
 
They don’t see
   My hands bound
    To my own demented thoughts
   Making me do things
       I’d once refused.

      I see in flames now
     I see the world burning
    I see rubble,
   Wreckage and
  Ruins.
I see remnants of a
Person I used to love, used to know.

So lift me up higher than I’ve ever been before
To suppress the inner creatures
Controlling
A newfound stranger.

ripples
elegantly shielded
every room
it ever graced
from the sun’s starkest rays
bedrooms
to living room
every place
Love ever lived
and shade was  desired.

Before you died I didn't see your worth
You protected me, and loved me through my almost fatal birth
When I was four you were addicted and sobriety was rare
As I got older I was angry, and by angry I mean scared

I couldn't understand why you were so empty
They say you'd been that way since your cousin died when you were twenty
You always said that you were sorry for not being good enough
Eventually I understood that it wasn't your fault, and love was often rough

When you died I was certain I had lost my mind
I was bombarded by people telling me "It's okay to cry"
as if that were the answer to all my desperate pleas and prayers
I will admit that above everything I had never been so scared

When I closed my eyes visions of you haunted me
I tried to tell myself you were better now, happy, free
I slept with the lights on for days having realized my own mortality
This is a terrifying epiphany to have at seventeen

After you died we planned two funerals
You always swore you had no friends, but they were both packed
It didn't seem fair to endure your fathers funeral twice
I was poked and prodded, offered condolences by people trying to be nice

Eventually I got the nerve to walk to the podium and speak
I told them how you promised to always love me, before choking on my grief
I spoke of when you held my hand, and tucked me in some nights
Then went on to say it was not fair to take my fathers life

I still dream about you constantly
that there was some fluke and you never actually left me
Everything is alright until I wake up to find,
That you're three years lost, you're gone, you died.

I miss you.
I miss you even more.
I miss you much much more.
And I'm still in denial.

It tangles, twists and twines,
loop the loop around your neck.

bounces and flounces,
swept in the wind.

knotted and split,
frayed at the ends,

tamed with a plastic,
tied into place,

only for it to slip,
and envelope your nape
.