I met one of my soulmates once.
He died in Maine, my favorite place.
I don't go there anymore.

I don't think about it anymore, really.
Except for days like today,
when there are leaves in the air and
I'm stuck staring at the water.

Remembering how he put my life in limbo,
how he awakened a part of me,
who he made me become via domino effect.

The way his hair ruffled up in the salty air,
looking back to see his slightly reddened cheeks mirroring my own.
Him chasing me on the jetty,
staring out into the waves glinting like gold on the crest.
The sand and the sun and the movement.

He was a word I don't use.
I hide it deep inside of me.
I hide the loving adoration,
I hide the fact that I too,
had some of ******'s charm lurking in me.
Waiting for the right person to bring it out.

He stunned me.

He made me a *****, a wanton *****.
And I loved him for it.

My hair still curling at the edges,
like a young child's does.
I was a young child.
And he, a man much older,
a man daring and dashing and perverted
enough to make me lose my innocence.
To make me love.

He killed himself three years after knowing me.
He did this to himself.
We both know that, even now.

I still think about his touch, his mouth, his laughter.
It has been seven years since I have known it,
since I have felt him,
and I still am left with a burning need.

This is what a ******* did to me.
He may have hung himself that day in Maine,
but he did not **** the secret or the desire.

I have felt the toxicity of touch, and I seek it every day.

I am the leftover fragments of a violent dream you once had.
You can't seem to remember enough to know the details
but even still-
it leaves you haunted.

My body has not once been a temple.

I remember years ago,
sitting poolside with my grandmother,
her spidery, veined hands touching my knee:

"Your body is a grand temple,
only those who are holy are worth admittance."

And her stern sincerity made me laugh.

My body is a wet, lush jungle.
My body has been trampled through and lived in.

Destroyed, burned,
yet always continues to rebirth itself from the rubble and debris.

Am I any less for this?

My body is a mystery,
a slow wafer on the tip of a school boy's tongue.
A dark, cool place to rest your weary head.
A place to let your feet press into the rich soil
and feel like maybe you can call this home.

I think one time,
a man with dark hair and light eyes thought he could
reduce me to mere trees and rain,
not knowing the jungle is not a safe place.

Unlike those with temples for bodies,
my heart lives deep in a hidden cave guarded with
sharp memories that feel like claws.

My memories have teeth,
and my heart has a brain.

When this girl crashed her car
going over 90 mph into a ditch with no seat belt on
and the music blaring she wonders what it looked like.
The story makes people laugh now
and they always ask how it happened but don't wait for the answer, they laugh and think about her body hurtling into bushes
and the car smoking something so foul
no one from the highway stopped to help
even though it was sunny and a Tuesday.
As long as you can make someone laugh.
They all say oh, she didn't mean to.
You didn't mean to
I meant to

2. When this girl gets drunk
and takes her clothes off and kisses everyone in the pool
and then ***** on the kitchen counter
where everyone can see through the glass door,
chains around her like that could hold her back, they laugh.
Ah, classic her.
"Haven't you heard she's crazy?"
One asks while handing his friend a cigarette.
Well yes he ******* has, thank you.
Watch the show

3.
When she leaves her fiancé for the felon twice her age
just cause he ***** better, they stare.
She feels it like little red hot lasers in the small of her back.
She is used to it.
"*****"
they manage to choke out.
Well, she already knew this.
She looks at them with indifference.
"Try something more original", she says.

4.
That man left which really just hurts her pride more than anything. No one leaves her and that's just the way it is, Ya know?
She floats on the souls of those who have loved her.
She sneaks into his house with the spare key
she stole to his apartment just to lie around in his bed.
She makes herself a drink.
She falls down the hallway.
"She didn't mean to", they say.
"Yes I did", she says.

5.
That girl.
She'll **** herself for a dare girl.
She's so crazy girl.
She's a sad girl,
"she wears her scars like a noose" they say.
"What do you know", she says.
They say "she didn't mean to".
I ******* meant to.
I let the darkness inside swallow me whole
and I let my heartbreak ****** me.
I am a fraction of a being but that's just fine with me

6. I ******* meant to

I kissed daniel because
he made me feel like a little girl
and that's all I've ever wanted to stay.
I kissed him because
he made me feel like a live wire,
ready to sizzle
and pop
and maybe **** someone.
We can only hope.
I kissed him hard,
I kissed him wet
so I could feel the spit
break between our lips.
I kissed him good
and fast against the wall.
I kissed him goodnight
I kissed him good bye

2. He got me so high I coughed and drool came out of my mouth and
his friend asked
"hey.... Um are you okay?"
And I shook my head no,
but they didn't really care anyway.  And I walked down the long hallway in my tiny shorts so they could both see the sway of my ***,
the sway in the walk of someone
who has gone entirely mad.

3. Daniel said 37 is his last real year before he hits middle age.
And he's halfway through it.
And I'm turning 19 next month
and he says that's where the real fun is cause that means I've had a year
of adulthood to figure my **** out
and I've still decided to be a *****.
He says 19 will be my real slutty year, the year I turn this bag of meat
and bones into a **** star.
He says I'll always be the best.
He says I'll make it real real big.
He says he will watch me
******* another man while he's ******* someone else
in the next town he goes to

4. Daniel said I was evil.
I told him he was a horrible person and he pinned me down
and did the things horrible people do.
I asked him why he thought I was evil and he said he can see it in my eyes. Real cold and mean,
oh **** it's a real nice gleam.
Like sharpened knives and laughter when a chalkboard screeches.
He says I'll die within next year if I keep living like I am.
I guess he doesn't believe me
when I say I just really don't care.

5.
Bad girl bad girl sad girl they say.
Like how I can't make eye contact
and malls freak me out.
How I don't care how fast I drive my car cause I've got places to be,
like nowhere.
Knives don't scare me,
in fact,
cut me so I can show you how good
I am at not flinching.
Pull my hair and
pin my down and
I'll show you a good time babe,
cause this feels like love if
you're good enough at pretending. They call it self destruction,
I call it preservation.

following my most intense and secret obsessions mercilessly.

you left me,
hair strewn into the creeping ivy from the window.

I love you in the same way I hate you-
wholly and with my entire being.

you are and will always be a secret.

I'm sorry that once you were loved so carelessly
you now guard your heart like
the most expensive artifact in a museum.

I'm sorry that you are the worst thing that ever happened to you.

But that was before you knew me,
before you let something evil into your bed.

He asked me, once:
"Would you die for me?"

I looked up at him, a smirk forming at my lips.

I slowly ashed my cigarette,
as if I was thinking of a suitable answer,
one that proclaimed my undying affection.

As I caught his eye, I said:
"Well, frankly love, I wouldn't even **** for you."