i still feel your lips on mine
and although it's been several months
time does not heal everything

i fall asleep with my phone in my hand

i once told you how
you always looked beautiful when you smiled
a little surprised, with confusion in your eyes

or maybe everything i said just surprised you
or you just smiled anyways
because i wasn't worth understanding

i stared at the stars
and they stared back at me

but this time, i didn't see your eyes

fish weaving in water
cold intake, ***** in
and exhales
crashing,
rolling.

sails on mast
once white with victory
yellowed, left to rot
to fall
shaking lures
and hasty hooks

fragile craft struggling to stay afloat,
thanks the waters
when it crashes to shore.
thanks the sailors
for smoking.

In mighty kingdoms far away
Grew an elven king, stern and wise
Whose young daughter grew in the fields
with eyes as blue as the clearest skies

Elenir, was the daughters name
who danced amongst leaves like gold
whose laughter rang like a thousand bells
whose fair skin would never grow or old

There a traveller came from mountains
and lost, he wandered beneath the trees
he drank from nameless rivers
and voyaged across the savage seas

They met under the sheets of stars
as she saved him from himself
he touched her hair, felt her voice
and till death, he stayed with the elf

His human life frayed away
After a mere blink of years
She watched and stroked his aging face
and wiped away her tears

And when he passed, she could not bear
the pain that she felt inside
the once swaying trees that danced
felt empty, old and dried

She traveled up to the clifftops
Elenir cried her lovers name
She threw herself into the raging oceans
for her life was never the same

The elven king was despaired to see
the loss of his cherished daughter
He cursed the lands
Set fire blazing
and froze the wicked waters

He hide away his treasured kingdom
and watched as the world around him burned
His soldiers pleaded, his people begged
to not leave the world so spurned

But his heartbreak was too great to deal
The world fell into darkness
and with the once-beautiful Elenirs death
the skies grew black and starless

the girl screams at him,
'you do not have to walk this path alone,
you do not have to walk it all'
but the dread wolf cannot hear her
over the sound of the wind

her voice is raging in accusation,
yet she falls for it every time
the old god of betrayal apologizing,
for hunting alone once more

the fen'harel turns to stare at her
eyes fading from his warm color
bends down to kiss her,
brown eyes flashing to white

if he knew the truth on how this
would end,
why did the dread wolf
start hunting the sheep


if it was real,
why did he leave?

it feels so ******* heavy on my chest
like an anvil
its so hard to breathe
rattling chest
shaky breathes

small lungs

it feels like im ******* suffocating
im dizzy

i want to cut
i say itll bring me back
and maybe it does
but the shakiness doesnt stop
just awake and trembling

i cut myself to stay alive
i dont cut myself because i want to die
i cut myself to stay alive

but now
i think i just like it
and the way it feels
and how the scabs form
and feeling the pulse of pain
when i run my fingers over
the mending

why cant i just want to live
why doi always want to ******* die
to stop
i know i mlucky
the luckiest girl in the world

i feel too much
too much of whatever color
is in this month

i cant
try new things
without
feeling all of it
like the ******* titanic on my chest
my mood will change easily
but it'll sink into the color
to the depths

ill be ecstatic
or ******* detrimental
everything sounds great
or like a threat to my breath
i want things to fill the void
never people
because they never fill it quite well
the way tattoos feel
buying something shiny
hanging on to it
absorbing it
till it becomes my personality
until the color takes over

it's so ******* loud in my head
and i nee dto *******
sweep the flowers
back in the vase

i know it's broken
the waters leaking
it's seeping into the cracks of the floor
just *******
gods sake
pick up the flowers
and put them back in

they stopped ******* working
maybe it was the alcohol
or the world falling apart around me
but they stopped

i can't remember the last time i cried
so i guess at least that part is working

unopened books
bound, long unopened
yearn for their masters touch
longing for
release.

nimble feet dragging on
marble floors
cold,
closed windows, shut doors
to keep the scent
in.

raised tower walls
long emptied since the
hunt,
the silence is deafening
to keep the memories
here.

murals long dry
remain standing, with
uneasy eyes
watch as she sits unmoving
watch as the girl
stays still.

once upon a time,
in lands of castles, kings and queens
a wild girl lived with her dragon
in caves and fields of green

the two shared a friendship so mighty
plundering villages and towns
until a man came one day
offering her riches and crowns

the prince took her aside and said
"let me call you my queen and wife
but to do this,
i must take the dragons life"

"for without the head of a dragon,
my father would never deem me a hero
my kingdom will suffer without a ruler
so come away from this burrow"

the dragon overheard their conversation
and accepted his doomed fate
for who would keep a lowly dragon
to marry a prince so great

the wild girl gave up her dragon
riches and a promised life, her spur
the wild girl gave up her dragon
a dragon that would have never given up on her

this is a letter to the girl i last loved
(and maybe still do)

to the girl i last loved,
i'm sorry
i know you were angry for the longest time
and i know you burned my letters and scratched my name off your desk
because you thought i stopped loving you
but i never stopped loving you

i know it took you a long time to heal
because i promised my life to you
and while you dedicated yourself to me
i told you that i couldn't do the same

and i know that it's been months
and you've moved on a new boy with brown eyes
a boy whose name probably graces your lips and throat
and can promise you a life together and mean it

and i know because i still clench my fists
when i think about him calling you "baby girl"
or counting the freckles on your nose
or even touching your fragile pale hands
that used to stroke my hair at night

and i'm sorry that i never told you the truth
and never could, or would, or can
because you either wouldn't believe me
or you'd say i was a fool
(which maybe i am)

i know that you're doing a lot better than when we were together
because you aren't online at 4am anymore
you aren't up at night, waiting for me to come home
you aren't anxious, alone and lonely

your new place looks even more beautiful in the sunlight
i remember helping you pick out the colors
and although you went with purple instead
i think it still looks great

your new friends seem really kind
they don't seem to fail to make you smile
i'm glad to see that you weren't alone this christmas
even though i was

and i'm not sorry
that i had to do what i did
because your life is so much better than
i'm not sorry
but i'm sorry
for me

was it her old blind passion
her desire
she couldn't get to him

in another world,
would it have been different

after you left
i couldn't stop feeling your touch all over mine
and i could feel the pressure
of your sweet addicting lips
and the pulsing beat of your heart in my veins

and a week after
of sleeping alone
i tried to cut you out of my skin
and no matter the amount of blood that ran
or the number of times i've blacked out
you're still in my veins


you won't get out

what victory is it,
when he is not beside me
in soft flesh
but mangled fur

the world will rise and fall
always in a turmoil
those who seek to destroy
minds will stay living after dead

celebrate for now, if you must
already a new danger approches
He was not the first to try
He was the only i've loved.

before slumbers
ruffled blankets,
please know
that we haven't seen

before dreams
the fade, the unreal,
please know
that we haven't spoken

before soft snores
twitches, turns
please know
we haven't touched

before anything
leaving, goodbyes
please know

we are far apart.

the man walks with his lover
and grips her hand
stopping himself,
from rubbing her palm

all through dinner
of candles and praises
he stops himself
from staring at her beauty

and while they make love
with short breaths and sheets
biting his tongue,
from saying "i love you"

the evening has stilled
intertwined legs and holding her close
he lays awake
and wonders where she is

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

No. I've thought about kissing her a thousand times. She had hair like cotton candy and her voice was like a nightingale. Whenever I was sad, she'd sing me songs and put my name instead. Her skin was so pale like snow and she hated the veins on her eyelids, the ones that looked like lightning crashing. I counted her freckles every night before I went to bed. She was the love of my life and she loved me unconditionally for Gods knows what reasons. And then I messed it up and left, because I got scared. When I begged for her back, she said no.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She had a narrow waist and long brown eyelashes. I kissed them before as she slept. She felt warm against me and I traced the outline of the ink on her back, the bouquet of flowers. And when she got high, I put her to bed and got drunk by myself. We ****** until morning and we watched the sunrise together, over the city skyline. She fed me wild strawberries and we shared the same cup of tea together. When I woke up, she was gone.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. I met her in a club and I kissed her outside a supermarket. She devoted herself to me. Called me. Adored me. And I, selfishly, didn't give a single ****. I never responded and if I did, I was far away. My mind was never on her. When I finally apologized, she never texted me back. She said I wasn't her usual type and though I didn't say it out loud, I agreed.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She kissed me on the subway and gave me flowers. When I drank too much, she cleaned up after me and put me to bed. She still kissed me after. She was wild. Reckless. Looking for trouble and I ignored it. I adored every part of her. One day, she whispered I Love You to me when she was drunk. She never mentioned it again. Her eyes darkened over time and I came home to find only someone who looked like her. When she left, I wrote poems about her and burned myself. I got drunk every night alone. I continually slept on the bench in the park, just to be somewhere where we hadn't been. My heart was breaking and she kept smiling.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

me: Yes.

him: That's hot.

van gogh used to eat yellow paint
because he thought it would make him happy
and although it was poison
and it slowly killed him
he believed it made him happy


(i think you're my yellow paint)

and my mother pulled me aside
and said
"***, you'll never see her again
you don't love her, you're just confused"
but what's confusing about
the storms inside of me
that light up when she
touches me-
and the turmoil of thoughts
and stop and fall silent
for once in my ******* life
she she looks at me-
or how i feel like
i can actually feel
something
everything
when she kisses me

my mother pulled me aside
and said
"***, you'll never see her again
you're just confused"