they stopped ******* working
maybe it was the alcohol
or the world falling apart around me
but they stopped

i can't remember the last time i cried
so i guess at least that part is working

it's so ******* loud in my head
and i nee dto *******
sweep the flowers
back in the vase

i know it's broken
the waters leaking
it's seeping into the cracks of the floor
just *******
gods sake
pick up the flowers
and put them back in

i feel too much
too much of whatever color
is in this month

i cant
try new things
without
feeling all of it
like the ******* titanic on my chest
my mood will change easily
but it'll sink into the color
to the depths

ill be ecstatic
or ******* detrimental
everything sounds great
or like a threat to my breath
i want things to fill the void
never people
because they never fill it quite well
the way tattoos feel
buying something shiny
hanging on to it
absorbing it
till it becomes my personality
until the color takes over

it feels so ******* heavy on my chest
like an anvil
its so hard to breathe
rattling chest
shaky breathes

small lungs

it feels like im ******* suffocating
im dizzy

i want to cut
i say itll bring me back
and maybe it does
but the shakiness doesnt stop
just awake and trembling

i cut myself to stay alive
i dont cut myself because i want to die
i cut myself to stay alive

but now
i think i just like it
and the way it feels
and how the scabs form
and feeling the pulse of pain
when i run my fingers over
the mending

why cant i just want to live
why doi always want to ******* die
to stop
i know i mlucky
the luckiest girl in the world

he's the only thing that's ever filled me to my corners
the way apple pie and ice cream make you hot and cold inside
filling out into every crevice of your body
and keeping you home

i always thought my lungs wouldn't take it
always
gasps of air

i'm constantly looking for fresh air
to fill the corners
and he does it well

I had already fallen in love
with far too many houses
when you showed up…
wearing curtains of strong roots and heavy anchors
in the small folded corners of your smile
I found a home


in the absence of a “home”
my childhood was littered with several houses
and although the rooms were packed with orange chairs
and blue kitchen tiles
the houses never filled the home
the home that I recognized
when I saw a hearth flickering in your eyes
the gentle heater hum that came from your heart
and though you showed no walls or windows
there was no deadbolt on your doors
but a roof over my head
that I held up with shaking arms
and our fingers interlocking
like perfect lock and key

I had already fallen in love  
with far too many houses
when you showed up
and I wish I had known than
that you cannot make homes out of people

he passed
and stroked
the leaves

and the whole tree shivered
like they were waiting for him

the petals are wilting

with no water

no sunlight

no one to brush the dust from the stems
and ask them how they're doing

dear jade,

i think i’m going mad again.
it was raining the other night, a frightful storm. in my rush to get home, i thought i saw a shape on the floor and fell. it was only the street light reflecting off a puddle.

do you remember how hard i cried when we were last in school together? i was so much younger and i truly thought that was the deepest pool of my sadness. but i know now it isn’t.


love forever,

joanne

we were so beautiful
we burned so bright
until we burnt out

or at least that’s what i’m telling myself

i beg him to block out their songs
to shut his eyes
and ignore the blue sirens

but it’s obvious
he is stealing glances
when my back is turned
sharing the air
when my eyes are closed
closing the space
when i know

i don’t think i connect to humans

the same way
they connect
to
each
other

don’t try to act all ******* heroic
like i was a tragedy
like you knew me
like it’s affected you


i never knew anyone
and i was born with an empty room for a heart

i feel ******* disappointed

by
everyone

'it's so loud'
she screamed
over the silence
'everything keeps talking
and yelling
at me'

it's really quite too hard to leave the door open
when it's winter
and the frostbite comes nipping
you never know when
cold rains will blow
if you leave the door open

so please close the **** door
on the way out

how many chances has the ships given the ocean
before being relentlessly tossed to the coast
rocking back and forth,
splintering and breaking
the boat in half

how many chances has the ships given to the ocean
before being violently slammed in to rocks
water rushing through the cracks
spilling the sailors
to their depths

how many chances has the ships given to the ocean
to forgive, to promise not to hurt
yet the ships never learn,
and continue to sail

heavy footsteps
his hot breath
keeps me frozen

i grab his wrist
but i'm a feather
and he's a beast
and he pushes against my collarbone


the lamb cries
and the wolf is done his hunt

him: Have you ever been with a girl?

No. I've thought about kissing her a thousand times. She had hair like cotton candy and her voice was like a nightingale. Whenever I was sad, she'd sing me songs and put my name instead. Her skin was so pale like snow and she hated the veins on her eyelids, the ones that looked like lightning crashing. I counted her freckles every night before I went to bed. She was the love of my life and she loved me unconditionally for Gods knows what reasons. And then I messed it up and left, because I got scared. When I begged for her back, she said no.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She had a narrow waist and long brown eyelashes. I kissed them before as she slept. She felt warm against me and I traced the outline of the ink on her back, the bouquet of flowers. And when she got high, I put her to bed and got drunk by myself. We ****** until morning and we watched the sunrise together, over the city skyline. She fed me wild strawberries and we shared the same cup of tea together. When I woke up, she was gone.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. I met her in a club and I kissed her outside a supermarket. She devoted herself to me. Called me. Adored me. And I, selfishly, didn't give a single ****. I never responded and if I did, I was far away. My mind was never on her. When I finally apologized, she never texted me back. She said I wasn't her usual type and though I didn't say it out loud, I agreed.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

Yes. She kissed me on the subway and gave me flowers. When I drank too much, she cleaned up after me and put me to bed. She still kissed me after. She was wild. Reckless. Looking for trouble and I ignored it. I adored every part of her. One day, she whispered I Love You to me when she was drunk. She never mentioned it again. Her eyes darkened over time and I came home to find only someone who looked like her. When she left, I wrote poems about her and burned myself. I got drunk every night alone. I continually slept on the bench in the park, just to be somewhere where we hadn't been. My heart was breaking and she kept smiling.


him: Have you ever been with a girl?

me: Yes.

him: That's hot.

For you
I will be the housewife
and obey
and put on my stained apron
with my weathered cracking hands
and cook
your meals hot

For you
I will be the mother
and tell our wonderful blessings
of the perfect man
I met
and how he
fixed me

For you
I will be the good daughter
and force a fake smile
when your mother tells you
that you could do better


For you
I will be the friend
and be your punching bag
in your drunken state
and forgive you
when you come too

For you
I will be the love of your life
and be with you
in all your hardships
and puffy eyes
that even I can’t understand

it was always her
that tasted like narcotics
and smoke
everything bittersweet in between

but to her
i tasted of water
and time passing
a shrug, a sideways glance

she tasted like cotton candy
and had skin pale like snow
she was the reason
i gave up painting
the colours
and the strokes

her lips tasted like narcotics
and yet i felt the revolution
kissed her fingertips
and smelled marijuana

the dark eyes


and the reckless abandon

but she consumes my mind all the time
you can't grow a new heart

but ****,
i wish i could.

she is not the innocence
of the sweet ladies in the water
but the sirens that call to me
beckoning,
never touching

she no longer resembles
the sunset at the ocean
but the violent waves
that tossed the ship

and she is never the sunshine
that guided my mast to shore
but the red light, the fog
that left me wondering
and
lost

half-closed eyes
and hidden freckles
under smudged concealer

her hair falls long
sunshine
turned to red light
and darkness

it is not Her
let me find peace

what a cruel thing
to have your other ripped apart from you
cities falling from skies,
heavens tearing asunder,

empty screams
with a hollow heart
Goodbye My Half

cracked china vase
seep through the crevices
glue it shut
glue it even tighter

pools of water
sink to the floor
sweep it back in
sweep or it's too late

roses laid strewn
spread in every direction
put them back in
For Gods Sake,
Put Them Back In

i loved her a lot you know?

she made me feel like i was ******* immortal. kissing her was practically my high. i counted all the freckles across her face every night before we fell asleep, kissed the ones that were sprinkled on her shoulders. i could have snaked my arms around her waist a thousand times, and never tire of the softness. or compare her skin to snow, every time it stormed where i was.  
she didn't take away my depression, but she made me forget about it. she made it easier. it was like a hurricane inside my head and her eyes could still the storm, even just for a second. and she was so kind to me, far kinder than i've deserved because i left her and i ****** it up so now she's gone.
do you hear me?

i ****** it up.

what victory is it,
when he is not beside me
in soft flesh
but mangled fur

the world will rise and fall
always in a turmoil
those who seek to destroy
minds will stay living after dead

celebrate for now, if you must
already a new danger approches
He was not the first to try
He was the only i've loved.

outstretched hands,
he begs her
to not step closer

reaches out,
he is already gone
and collapses
inside herself

it was not supposed to happen this way,
he swears
the beautiful warrior

the

saviour

was it her old blind passion
her desire
she couldn't get to him

in another world,
would it have been different

frozen statues,
victims,
what would you have them do

she is part of the world
that he seeks to
destroy

he is not the curse
inflicted on the vessel
soft skin
turned to fur and teeth

only in the fade,
can he mutter apologies
of another life,
where it would be enough

he left her with nothing
but a world
a life
to watch him burn.

skimming her hands
along the walls,
she rips her gaze away from the murals
that stretch from end to end
and pauses,
digging her nails
chipping paint

she wonders what would happen
if she burned his grand library
down to the
ground


he could only watch
with the fire reflected
in his dread wolf eyes

before slumbers
ruffled blankets,
please know
that we haven't seen

before dreams
the fade, the unreal,
please know
that we haven't spoken

before soft snores
twitches, turns
please know
we haven't touched

before anything
leaving, goodbyes
please know

we are far apart.

////PART ONE/////

tales of old,
of legend,
a lesson
fen'harel
hunts once more

humbled and hallowed,
the gods welcomed him
with open arms
and blinded eyes

shared visions
and revealed dreams
they saw and cried,
but were sealed
away

pointed ears
with gleaming teeth
the fen'harel stalks
once again

leaves die, fall and grow
remind the mortals on earth
of fen'harel
god of betrayal
remind them
He Who Hunts Alone


////PART TWO/////

soft skin
of open mind
the chosen girl
rises

with trembling arms
and a steady voice
she leads the world of men
to victory

hidden skin
fen'harel approaches
clever wit
and wise words
they welcome him

like the gods,
the humans are blind
ignorant
never listening
to their mothers stories
of fen'harel

blur of hope
the herald stands
against demons
against sin
against pride and jealousy

but remembers her humanity
as andrastes chosen
and not andraste herself

soft eyes flash
to white,
when the mortal girl deepened the kiss
a startled gasp
collapse,
for the God fen'harel

savage seas keep lovers apart
miles of water in between

but the worst of storms,
is within arms reach
yet still so far apart

white sleeves slipping over her wrists
just a little too big
just a little too
empty.

unopened books
bound, long unopened
yearn for their masters touch
longing for
release.

nimble feet dragging on
marble floors
cold,
closed windows, shut doors
to keep the scent
in.

raised tower walls
long emptied since the
hunt,
the silence is deafening
to keep the memories
here.

murals long dry
remain standing, with
uneasy eyes
watch as she sits unmoving
watch as the girl
stays still.

almost regretfully,
fen'harel turns away

Blessed with a Curse
so ancient,
he forgot which one it is

the girl screams at him,
'you do not have to walk this path alone,
you do not have to walk it all'
but the dread wolf cannot hear her
over the sound of the wind

her voice is raging in accusation,
yet she falls for it every time
the old god of betrayal apologizing,
for hunting alone once more

the fen'harel turns to stare at her
eyes fading from his warm color
bends down to kiss her,
brown eyes flashing to white

if he knew the truth on how this
would end,
why did the dread wolf
start hunting the sheep


if it was real,
why did he leave?

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
they wept, tearing out their hair
and tossed it into the ocean
turning it into seaweeds.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
who then hid themselves in caves, till they passed
their skin growing pale and lifeless
till feathers emerged from their hands.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
who decided to mutilate their legs
and scar their feet
so they would no longer be human.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
and the creatures wailed as loud as they could,
screeching noises, ringing
but sounded only like bells to men.

the sailors called the sirens beautiful
but they didn't see beauty or sin
instead,
walking vessels
an empty name
and a prize to win.

fish weaving in water
cold intake, ***** in
and exhales
crashing,
rolling.

sails on mast
once white with victory
yellowed, left to rot
to fall
shaking lures
and hasty hooks

fragile craft struggling to stay afloat,
thanks the waters
when it crashes to shore.
thanks the sailors
for smoking.

the man walks with his lover
and grips her hand
stopping himself,
from rubbing her palm

all through dinner
of candles and praises
he stops himself
from staring at her beauty

and while they make love
with short breaths and sheets
biting his tongue,
from saying "i love you"

the evening has stilled
intertwined legs and holding her close
he lays awake
and wonders where she is

how natural this feels
like water flowing against a smooth stone
your voice echoing in to the corners of my lungs
and smell,
weaving between the strands of my hair

it's never simple with you is it
the princess who ripped her own dress
and killed the queen on shards of mirror mirror
who knew the apple was poisoned
and ate it, laughing

it's never easy with you is it
the girl who refused to scrub the floors
but left the cinders light
to watch the house burn down

it's never fair with you is it
the one who cut her hair with a sword
and adorned the garments of another world
and refused to save anyone but herself

she goes to bed in his arms
tired from her day with friends

i go to bed drunk
because it's the only way
to shut the **** up

this is a letter to the girl i last loved
(and maybe still do)

to the girl i last loved,
i'm sorry
i know you were angry for the longest time
and i know you burned my letters and scratched my name off your desk
because you thought i stopped loving you
but i never stopped loving you

i know it took you a long time to heal
because i promised my life to you
and while you dedicated yourself to me
i told you that i couldn't do the same

and i know that it's been months
and you've moved on a new boy with brown eyes
a boy whose name probably graces your lips and throat
and can promise you a life together and mean it

and i know because i still clench my fists
when i think about him calling you "baby girl"
or counting the freckles on your nose
or even touching your fragile pale hands
that used to stroke my hair at night

and i'm sorry that i never told you the truth
and never could, or would, or can
because you either wouldn't believe me
or you'd say i was a fool
(which maybe i am)

i know that you're doing a lot better than when we were together
because you aren't online at 4am anymore
you aren't up at night, waiting for me to come home
you aren't anxious, alone and lonely

your new place looks even more beautiful in the sunlight
i remember helping you pick out the colors
and although you went with purple instead
i think it still looks great

your new friends seem really kind
they don't seem to fail to make you smile
i'm glad to see that you weren't alone this christmas
even though i was

and i'm not sorry
that i had to do what i did
because your life is so much better than
i'm not sorry
but i'm sorry
for me

there's monsters staying in my head tonight
i can't sleep without their tears
two am? three am?
no wait, I think it's five?
it takes me hours upon exhaustion
to drain my monsters out
to lead them out to play

and fall in to the darkness

i think i've given up
on waking up early on sunday mornings
because when i close my eyes
it's flashbacks to you beside me
with a sleepy smile
legs tangled in sheets
and open windows

i think i've given up
superhero movies
because they were your favourites
on friday nights and anniversaries
when we watched the capes and guns and fights
and pointed out,
who was our favourites

i think i've given up certain songs
because we danced to them too much
because when i close my eyes
i see your favourite black and gray dress
when i hold you close
and let you go

i think i've given up
certain parts of the world
because when i went to new york this summer
i kept looking for you everywhere

i think i've given up
even my passions and desires
because it's been months since i picked up a brush
since all my paintings were you

i think i've given up
a large part of my life
a large part of me
because the moment i let you go
was the moment i found peace