this is a letter to the girl i last loved
(and maybe still do)

to the girl i last loved,
i'm sorry
i know you were angry for the longest time
and i know you burned my letters and scratched my name off your desk
because you thought i stopped loving you
but i never stopped loving you

i know it took you a long time to heal
because i promised my life to you
and while you dedicated yourself to me
i told you that i couldn't do the same

and i know that it's been months
and you've moved on a new boy with brown eyes
a boy whose name probably graces your lips and throat
and can promise you a life together and mean it

and i know because i still clench my fists
when i think about him calling you "baby girl"
or counting the freckles on your nose
or even touching your fragile pale hands
that used to stroke my hair at night

and i'm sorry that i never told you the truth
and never could, or would, or can
because you either wouldn't believe me
or you'd say i was a fool
(which maybe i am)

i know that you're doing a lot better than when we were together
because you aren't online at 4am anymore
you aren't up at night, waiting for me to come home
you aren't anxious, alone and lonely

your new place looks even more beautiful in the sunlight
i remember helping you pick out the colors
and although you went with purple instead
i think it still looks great

your new friends seem really kind
they don't seem to fail to make you smile
i'm glad to see that you weren't alone this christmas
even though i was

and i'm not sorry
that i had to do what i did
because your life is so much better than
i'm not sorry
but i'm sorry
for me