november 8th, 2013*
i found these old sketches
of you & I
unfinished, & i'm erasing them
i don't intend to finish them
& it doesn't hurt anymore
it doesn't hurt anymore*

i forgot what it felt like
to heal
the feeling is back
& it's real

sometimes
when you take the leap
you fly
but i've never been happier to say
i fell
instead

remember, remember
the fifth of November?
because I do,
& I have all the words I wrote
from that night

i met a boy today,
he called it a date
*& I already must admit
that the way his dimples
are crooked, & his whole face
smiles, & the way
he loses his eyes
when he laughs
are my favourite
is it wrong to be in this limbo
with a boy
who is a mutual & very close friend
of your ex?
it doesn't feel wrong,
it feels like it could even be very right

we walked through the woods today
& it was lovely but
all too familiar
but I didn't even mind,
I just wonder
if this is the bridge I should take,
I took one today with you
& it was fantastic
I wish I hugged you tighter today,
I wonder what it will be like
when we fall for each other...

distance is;
the marks my fingernails leave on my scalp,
the extra hair on my brush that I keep tearing out,
the faint smell of him on his T-shirt covered in my tears,
distance is far worse than any of my fears

it's 5:11am & I miss you
& truly, I hate to miss you,
4,000 miles, my love, is quite
a long way, for our love to stretch
but stretch it may, as it only grows
though, no longer do I want it to stretch,
not because I believe it will get worn,
with our love, that's not a possibility,
I wake every morning to a smile
from you, the only sunshine that matters
but, as this sun rises, ours sets
on the other side of the world
& I can't miss another sunset without you,
distance makes the heart grow fonder
true, it does, but no one speaks about
how it makes you ache,
I miss you, my love
though soon, I won't have to,
everything is going to change
& I'm ready
to start anew
on the other side of the world
to begin my life, with you
year two

it was one year ago, last night
when he walked into my life
& never would I have thought
we'd have fallen in love like this
but I must admit, I knew,
the very moment I saw him smile
that I might just lose myself
& want to stay awhile
because, my God, that smile
it made me believe
that love at first sight
was real as can be.

They say if you're wide awake at night
You're broken or madly in love
I do recall having spent many a night
Enveloped in that insomnia
Broken as can be
Believing it was hopeless to ever fall asleep
Until I slept for months when the nightmares ceased
As they were left only as my reality
I thought I could put my misery to sleep
& so it fell, asleep, no longer with me,
Thus better I became
Unbroken as can be.

One day I must have left
The latch on my healing heart unlocked
As I seemed to have let it open to love
& so I fell, again
But this time it was different
I found myself again laying in bed wide awake
Though there wasn't a trace of heartache
I found myself staring into the darkness of my room
Dreaming about the curve of his smile
The sound of his laugh, & I can't stop
When you fall in love, real love
Some nights you won't sleep
Right now I'm awake & thinking of the way he looks at me
Sleeping is overrated when your heart
Would rather wake your mind & entertain you with what
You can call "mine" & my gosh, he is all mine