Overwhelming it is
to read your writing
to peak through your life
to know that your struggles are real

Drowning I am
in tears bursting with the memories of you & I
in blood overflowing from wrists that you used to hold
in thoughts exploding over the letters you wrote

Paralysing it is
to have you near me when I am invisible
to hold you close when I no longer sense touch
to hear you scream my name when I am mute

Losing I am
from battling your past
from listening to what is right
from promising not to want you/*us

What is
eternal love?
What is
taking someone
for granted?

heaving,
panting,
weeping,
screaming,

sinking,
hurting,
aching,
­silencing,

questioning,
wondering,
blaming,
talking,

walking,
l­eaving,
disappearing,
ending.

Can't be seen,
Can't be touched,
Can't be smelled,
But it's there

Constant & consistent,
it grows.
Powerful & persistent,
it revels.

is everywhere:
In my heart,
In my mind,
In my daily life.


takes over life,
takes over people,
demands death,
demands people.

Here I am;
trying to welcome imagination,
asking reality to take a pause,
waiting for familiarity among sweeping glances.

I am stuck;
climbing up and down the cruel ropes life,
grasping for air & light,
succumbing to the darkness.

I wonder;
where the sounds come from,
when silence will come back,
searching for harmony among the noise.

And I am lost again;
in the vast vague plain,
through cycles of happiness & loneliness,
wandering all alone constantly risking flight or fall.

You are sunrise,
I am sunset.
You are the earth,
I am the waves.

Giving hope to others;
You listen and find goodness in them.
Letting others go;
I build walls and push people away.

You’ve always been the better one;
I’ve always been the dark shadow.
You were light;
I was darkness.

You are gone;
I’m here.
Why’d you leave?
Why’d I stay?

fall endlessly like raindrops to the ocean;
Like little soldiers, one after the other,
They fall just as the enemy targets them.

Why am I here?
Why do I tell you this?
Why do these fall in my face when my insides feel nothing?

Then again, what is a smile with happiness in it?