Scars on my heart
Pain in my chest
I hid the thunderstorm
Inside my head
When I see her smile
All my worries wiped away
Like the sun rose in the rain.

Burst into tears for no reason,
Except the girls in my class are
******,
Rude,
Unpleasant,
Judgemental,
Apathetic.
Burst into tears for no reason,
Except there’s a lot going on at home,
I’m not sleeping,
I’m struggling with money,
My Grandma has gone,
There’s no internet escape.
Burst into tears for no reason,
Except I do not feel well,
My stomach is in knots,
My brain throbs inside my head.
Burst into tears for no reason,
Except I’m overwhelmed,
With work,
And uni prep,
New classmates, classrooms,
And societies to join,
Friends to meet.
Burst into tears for no reason,
Except all of this is going on.
All at once.

This is the tough exterior
march in docs and denim
head down
cover face with hair, but
crack me open
this soft interior
leaks, drips, pools
I am blood, flesh, water
push and dent me
bruise turning blue
wish for gentler settings
my body stings
remove the make-up
scrunch up eyes
I am not who I used to be.

It is a part of me now.
The smell of fermenting hops in the wind
white flowers and jasmine in summer
the call of trains as they depart
foxes at night, inquisitive introverts
the smell of rain after sun
flying ants on the patio
unwanted evidence of cats in the alleyway
the sweet stench of doughnuts, not yet forgotten
ice cream sirens, a warning to placating parents
low voices in the evening
windows stretching open
feet on carpet that still acts new
This is home
This is (**)me

These butterflies have made their nest
Inside me
My stomach is their cocoon
These caterpillar worries
Have spread their wings.

I am ready to leave,
this nest of
m&s duvet covers,
The smell of pasta,
Fresh linen,
Striped carpet,
Laughter,
And candlewax.
This nest has kept me in its
Clutches.
Safe, warm
Like coffee in cold hands,
Surrounded by the scent of home
For 18 years.

Finally this bird
has fully extended wings
and
will fly
Onwards.