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Ether Nov 2017
I am soft and delicate
Like a bundle of yarn
Twirled within your fingers
  Sep 2017 Ether
They say,
It will fix all of your problems,
All your broken,
All your pain,
Will take that all away,
All I can honestly say to that,
Is how can you put that kind of pressure on someone?

heal me
fix me
save me

Because "you're all I have"
Or "I'm lost without you"
Will fix everything wrong with me
Don't care if it makes everything wrong with you.

Someone told me,
That love,
Is a lie,
And that we only think we need it,
Because everyone tells us we do,
And we do,
But not from her,
And definitely not from you,
We need love
Because society convinces young girls,
That it will fix everything
And it will.
But its not the kind of love
That is taking over 13 year old girls,
The love,
From another human being
Isn't what's gonna fix you,
you have to,
Because yes,
Love will fix everything,
If you love you.

And believe me,
This is something that I wish I knew long ago,
Because I went so long,
Hating myself,
And wanting love from someone else,
When all the healing I needed to do,
Was inside of me,
When I figured out,
That love for yourself is beautiful,
It makes everything clearer,
Makes sense,
My love,
Your love,
Is what'll fix you,
That's not something I can do.
Said love so much, it doesn't even sound like a word anymore
Ether Sep 2017
"Are you online? I would like to talk to you about suicide if possible. I was planning one just now and saw your poem appear at the top"

You messaged me but your profile is gone and i hope youre okay. That you see this and know you are loved

Please stay alive
Ether Sep 2017
I am writing to you because i dont want to live. Twisted, sick emotions & i picture men touching, wanting. Horrendous endeavours
All i want is to be loved. To have a stranger nuzzle my neck & to kiss the face of god
And everyone is an angel where i live. No demons, just individuals passing through a simulation. Desperate for survival.
I want to die.
My heart aches & this loneliness is a thick blanket & i know i know i know
There is something wrong with me
I dont know how to salvage my self
Or if thats even possible
All the horror. Relentless flashbacks & i thank the universe, the neurons, for hiding my childhood
I fear
I am the embodiment of fear
The scars on my arms scream tragedy
But i dont want to be
I desire light & hope and warmth & i wish i could smile and never stop
I am reaching
But i fall
Ether Sep 2017
I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been.

Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" with clenched fists & venom eyes. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before screams, before we were engulfed in tears and chaos- and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in.

I remember catching fireflies with my baby sister and how my older sister used to read me bedtime stories when the world was so big i wondered how it didn't swallow us whole.

And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive.

I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.
Ether Jul 2017
I tried to **** myself
Moreso, that failure

You know, its so easy to die. Slip into oblivion and say nothing matters. To hide your sorrow until tomorrow disappears.

I woke up with thick grey half moons under my eyes, yellow-grey toned skin, one half red eye and a dozen bruises on my neck.

I dont want to lose the innocence i have left. This is my confession. Hatred burns in my heart, but not just at myself anymore & if it is not my fault i can never change this terrifying world. I feel so small, i could blink & disappear...

But still, somehow, in my absence, in the simple threat of loss, fear and pity enter the hearts of those among me. So vile. So heartbreaking. The tears on my moms face having driven three hours to see me are the worst waters i might encounter. A tsunami of emotion.

Life is pain. Death is emptiness. Suicide may be relief, but failure is guilt.

Is there a balance somewhere?
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