But...
I wanna wrap shoelaces around my throat or slit my wrists and i dream of taking acid and climbing up a building & feeling so whole within the universe i can jump with euphoria.

This world was never small enough for me or maybe i just wasnt ready for the rebirth. Perhaps i am a genetic flaw & did you know cells in your body will target themselves or engulf their bodies because they know they dont belong?

Apoptosis

Be hard
Stone temple & iron bars. Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation & fade so deeply into oblivion you will be heard and felt but never seen.

Scream obscenities and shake your fists at the sky because darling it is yours to pull down and when you fall asleep at night, pull it close- engulf yourself in the ethereal and close your eyes so tightly you cant imagine opening them again.

Be tough because all sensitivity ever brought you was pain and i didnt want to say this, i never wanted to say this but goddamit you dont want the suffering that comes from loving too much.

It is a fire from within & the heat of blood on your skin & nights spent walking too long looking at the sky wondering why you exist & why there is so much pain while ice soaks into the soles of your shoes.

Write "You are love" on the steam in your bathroom mirror, but dont expect it to take the aching in your chest away

I tell myself:
It is better to be alone than to submit

But i delete my contacts and leave my bed

**** it
Im in love

I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been. Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" in anger. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before fights and tears and chaos, and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in. I remember catching lightning bugs with my baby sister and how my older sister in her silken voice used to read bedtime stories- when the world was so big i thought it could swallow us whole. And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive. I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.

I am the moon
I am darkness
Upon which
Light reflects

Breathe
Cool calamities
You are the earth
Upon which
Life arose

i know im supposed to be thinking about him. Hes in pain. Ya know?

He told me he tried to **** himself. Screamed. "Its all your fault" over and over. That im socially *******. That he wanted to hit me but he didnt he just shook my body and shoved me and pulled my hair and i just need to tell someone about how he kept coming in and throwing my body around and grabbing my face and screaming at me for hours

Some days he texts me all day and it doesnt matter if i reply or not, if i say "i love you. Youre good." or "*******." its the same story. He said "Cut your worthless anorexic bulimic body" and "Selfish ****" and "Youre ruining my life" "Maybe you'll find a new guy with a small **** who makes you feel like you matter. You dont. He just wants to have an ******."

Hes proud of the fact that hes never hit me. Ever. He said he wanted to, threatened to, said the dark side of him was telling him to break the glass in front of us and **** me then himself.

I dont tell people. Im scared. If i told him, hed die of guilt.

He said i wanted this. Its my fault, and i wanted this. And maybe, detached speculation, he's right. Maybe i beg for it in the darkest, truest part of me. And that scares me.

"I have music in my head
It is so loud.
I wish you could hear it."

"Hum it to me."

"I would,
But i dont have that many voices."