"I found myself."

every time
I get the urge
to write I
always find
myself in the
most frustrating
situations

~

like not
finding a pen
and paper
or being
in a conversation
with
somebody important
or being
caught in
the moment
wherein emotions
and thoughts
are flooding
but deciding
to
write
it all for
later

~

but when
I finally put
the courage to
allow my pen
to kiss the
surface
of my paper
it all
goes
away into
the void
of my forgetfulness

~

and of course
ill be in
remorse for
letting
those beautiful thoughts
vanish like
a *******
having done
her job
leaving the
customer
me
on it's own

~

trying to
fathom
what to do
next for
the next few hours
or days
weeks
or years

~

contemplating
about what
when
how
to get
back to the routine

~

so when I
did remember
the same words
that makes
my
brain ******
again

~

I found
myself
in
the same peculiar
position.

there are several things
I forgot to tell you
before you leave
and step right outside

your car keys
are inside the cupboard
there's a snack in the
fridge, in case you get hungry
on your way out
and I’ve ironed your jacket
in case you get cold
until you get
inside her

these are the last things I’ll do
it'll keep me sane

cause I’ve been telling myself
the day you cheated on me

I am not your wife
I am not your best friend
I am not for you

I will not tell you that
I loved you
I will not beg for you
to stay

go now, you are free
it's the choices we've made
that defines our freedom

you are free now

I just hope that

you won't find me inside her

“I dont know”
was my response
when you asked me if
I still love you

the world stopped
for the both of us
as I wondered on the thought
of me, being selfish
or being true
and yours upon the
realization that
maybe, just maybe
my love for you
is fleeting

neither of us was speaking
and the silence echoed
through the depths of my head
and you uttered
‘oh’

that moment, I knew
that you gave up
on me, and my inner
indecisiveness

I crumbled upon
the guilt of telling you
those words, so instead
I let my tongue do
the talking and said
'maybe'

cause it was never hard to say

but it is always hard to face

the reality of being responsible
to someone

as if I have to breathe
through somebody’s pair of lungs
and scratch the loneliness
with someone else’s fingers

we parted
I changed numbers

cause I had to stay afloat
on the clouds of solitude
free from attachments.