Have I been broken too long?
How do you recover
When every part of your being
Is tormented
Is confused
Is lost
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know how to be alive
I don’t even feel alive
And in all this chaos in my head
The only thing I actually know I want
Is to sink so low
You’ll never fix me.

I want to fall beyond repair

Again? Really??
As soon as there’s a glimmer of ******* hope
The universe gives me some reminder
That things can always be worse
That happiness will always be stolen
That solace is fleeting
That comfort will betray me
That I will be wounded
Again and again and again
I will never be given time to heal
Before the next blow lands
My living Hell

Don’t listen to them
Nothing gets better
Life only gets worse
Running from disaster to disaster
Everything is ******* futile
You’ll never get anywhere
And if you do, it’ll be worse than where you began

This is the conspiracy
The world against me.

It's been a while
Since I last wrote
I suppose I haven't had much to say
I can't seem to feel anything at all

Every day is a blur
My heart aches for contact
To hear familiar voices around me
To be anywhere that's not this house

But more than anything
I just want to feel something
I just want to feel loved

A glass of wine a day
Keeps the demons at bay


...until it doesn’t

I don’t make decisions for me
Because I don’t care
Risks don’t count
I could do anything

But I know better
I know there’s a version of me
Someone who would care
Someday...
It’ll matter to her
I can’t ruin this for her
I can’t destroy everything for her
Because I know what she’s been through
I can’t... I can’t make her pick up my mess...

Without fail
Every single time it starts to feel
Like maybe the world isn’t out to get me
Like maybe I can actually live here
Like maybe I’m doing alright
Something comes around to remind me
How incredibly wrong I am

I’m pretty sure I’m actually a nuisance, and the few people who bother to let me stay around would prefer to not have me

Some part of me
Is screaming
Crying
Writhing
It’s sick
It’s dying
But I have to...
I have to keep going
I have to function.

But really...
Really all it wants
Is to cry in the darkness
Bleeding
Dying

But I have to function.

I hate this
I hate what’s happened
I hate what we’ve done
What I’ve done...
I don’t want you to just be some old memory
You’ve meant too much to me
I still feel the sharp pain of your absence
I feel the loss in my heart
The aching in my chest
I feel the guilt in my wrist
Ghost pains of lines that won’t fade
I feel the longing in my throat
As my eyes well with tears
Because you’re not here
And I just... I miss you...
I love you.

I’m bleeding out
And you... you want to just cover it up
Not to heal it
Not to help
Just to hide it longer
Until it gets angrier
It’ll get infected
Hidden
Under bandaids
That never would’ve been able to heal
The kinds of wounds
I carry

It’s just me.

They’re all fine on their own
Maybe better off
They all have each other
Loved ones
People who care
But they can’t care for me
Because they don’t know me
And if they did
They’d finally know
I’m not one of them

You told me to throw them away
Get rid of all the extra pills
And when you said that,
I nodded,
But in my heart I realized
I have a problem

Those bottles are my insurance
My backup plan
In case things get too bad
I want them close
Within reach
I want them to remain an option

I’ve approximated their quantities
Guessed the effects
Tried to research
But to no avail

I just... I have this problem
I want hurting myself to remain an option
If I need it
If it comes to that
I want to know I can

And I don’t think that’s good....

Apathy
Has spread like venom
It’s reached my heart
And I don’t know if I’ll survive
I feel it in my veins
In the fog in my head
In the impulsive decisions
In the depths of cold suffering
That I don’t care
I don’t care about my self
I don’t care about anyone else
I can’t feel anything
And that’s not enough
To keep me alive

Do you know how ******* alone I am
Do you know how little anyone cares
Do you know how badly I just wanna
Bleed

Stop asking what’s wrong
You can’t help
Nothing can be done
You’ll just get upset
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m fine
I’m ******* FINE

I don’t know
I just want to hurt
Or be numb
But not this
What is this??
I want another.
Not too much...
What would it feel like...?
I’d love to know...
Because this is fine
But a little drowsy
Is not full on sedated
And honestly
If I can’t be fiery and passionate
Then I better be heavily sedated
And I know why I can’t...
I can’t have either
But I WANT THEM
Just help me escape....

Let me fade away
Let my bones turn to dust
Let my spirit flee this place
Let me be free
Just let me be okay

You should ******* run
I’m terrible
I’m lethal
I’m poison
And I’ll try to convince you I’m not
So you can make me feel better
But I assure you
I’m a monster
I will ruin you
If you fall prey to my act

What the hell?
Today was amazing
It was simple
It was pleasant
It was living

But now... now my mind
It’s straying, staggering
It’s craving things....
It wants my wrists slit
It wants my head spinning
It wants destruction
It lusts after death

How did it get so late...
I’m hardly tired
I just want to do something bad
I need... I think I need the pills
They’ll bring the escape of sleep to me
They’ll quiet the noise
Though the noise... it’s an old friend
And I’d hate to ask it to leave so soon...

SHUT UP YOU ALL!!!!

There’s so much.....
           too many......            it’s so loud....
Can’t think
Can’t breathe
Can’t see
Can’t FEEL

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT’S TOO ******* LOUD!!!!!!

I’m too sober
My head’s too clear
Only had a bit to drink
And it’s nice
But it’s not nearly enough
Things don’t hurt as much
I feel nicer
Less burdened
But I’m still too sober
I want more
I want to go further
I want to be out of control
I want dizziness
I want to feel unbalanced
But this will have to suffice
Even though I’m way too sober

Crawling through the darkness
I stumble towards the light
Trip and slip
Slide down... down... down...
Stagger to my feet
Try to climb
Grab hold of something
But as footholds break
And progress turns into pain
The temptation
To let go
To fall
To surrender
Grows ever stronger...
Ever enticing....
Ever seducing...
Ever inviting...

It might snow for my birthday
And all I can think about
Is a suicide attempt

I’m really tired of existing

It’s nasty work
With no reward
I feel like ****
And I’m just tired...
Tired of it all...

I think...
It’d be nice
If I figured out
How to care
About
My own
Well-being

Pour poison into my veins
I wanna watch the ceiling spin
And the ground sway
Just pour... and pour... and pour....
Please.... please don’t stop
I just want more
I need more
Please, just one more time....
Let me lose it

tw self harm


It’s fine
I’m fine

Just have to hold out a little longer
Drugged myself, you see
Cause I wanted to draw in red
On my skin...
Make the blade dance across my wrist
But soon, so soon....
I’ll be... I’ll be getting.... getting drowsy....
.....
.              ....            ..      .        ­     ....
     ..

There’s nothing
When I look inside myself
Nothing.
I don’t care about a thing
My chest is so numb I can’t feel
There’s just emptiness within
However,
My methods to force stimulation
They’re relentless
They’ll work
But surely they’ll deal some damage
And I already have so many scars
But I can’t.... I can’t feel like this
I can’t keep feeling void!!
I will do anything to feel something.

tw just like in general


Suffer as myself
Or take the drugs and feel relief?
Either way I’m still not okay
I still want to watch
Blood drip down my wrist
I still am unwanted
I still am a monster
I still am a disaster
I still want to die.

But yeah... I guess a pill or two can’t **** me up much more

It’s been a while since I’ve cried
I’m realizing I don’t feel like I did
And I miss it
I miss feeling
I miss crying
I miss experiencing
If this is the price I’m paying to stay alive
I may need to find a better deal

tw: self harm


i can't even think
what happened
what did you do
why?
well....
you know why...
you've been curious
you've been craving....

you just had to see it
didn't you
some mark of tragedy
because they all forgot...
they don't know what you've been through

arrughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I JUST WANT TO TEAR IT OPEN
SLIDE THE SILVER DOWN MY ARM
WATCH ME BLEED
I WANT IT
PLEASE!!!

LET ME HAVE IT...

No. You must show restraint

I'M ALWAYS RESTRAINED
LET ME HAVE THIS!!!

You cannot do this. You know it.
They'll notice. You don't want that.
It's not for them anyway.
It's for you.

please.... just let me bleed

the motion of the blade is calming
repetition so as to not go too deep
i want to play out what i do in my mind
right through the center
where the skin is most fragile
a long, smooth stroke
from wrist to elbow
a laceration

LACERATE ME
PROVE YOU'VE FELT PAIN

and anyway
so far it's my most proven method
of shutting off my mind for a bit
can't think
just a blade and a victim
please.... i want more....

I really wish
There was some part of me
That cared about anything

I don’t think I’m abusing it yet
But I couldn’t stand it
I took some extra pills
It’s better.... calmer
I’m tired
Nearly asleep
Just let the darkness take your mind
And rest
Away from the torment
Until you wake

You... you took it away from me
I got sick
And lost the privilege
Of feeling alive
Instead... you kept telling me
“Feel better”
And gave me more pills to choke on
But don’t you understand??
I never wanted to feel better
I just... I just wanted to get to feel
Enough
Of everything

Aw and man... the *******...
The ******* phantom pain
The stinging on my wrist
From where it remembers
And where it wants me
To cut

It’s begging me
The phantom is a cruel tease
I just want it to be real
I want to draw it in....

tw: self harm


How do I go back?
How do I walk in there
As a failure.
What a heavy burden I’ve picked up
I probably don’t need to carry it
But I don’t know how to put it down

Although
There’s this urge
Something to be my painkiller
My distraction
My ****** punishment
It would keep me from thinking
Alleviate the guilt
Because I’ve let them down
Let everyone down
And I’ll tell myself I was sick
Do anything to absolve myself
Run from responsibility
But it’s my fault.
I just.... I just need to release it
I need to see it
Dripping... delicately...
Down my wrist....
And then... only then...
Will I be able to breathe

You make my heart soar
Wild, warm, blissful
You excite me
To unrivaled levels
My brain can’t think
I’m at a loss for words
And I love it
I love you
You have this power over me
You can twist and **** at my heart
You could control me
And I would trust you to
Because you’re wonderful
You’re good for me
I can’t believe I have you in my life
I just want to hold you

I’m so ******* alone.

I feel sickness setting in
Darkness coming for my thoughts
A plague to paralyze my heart
Evil steeping in my soul
The futility of living
Growing ever loud
How do you want to be alive?

What have I done
I knew this would happen
As soon as I did it
The very first time
I knew I wouldn’t stop
I knew better
But now here I am
And every time
The adrenaline starts
Instinctively
My nails search for a target
Anywhere will do
Fingers, palms, shoulders
I don’t even realize
I can’t hardly feel it
What have I done
This will not go quietly....

The demons want back in my head
They’re waking up
They’re making noise
I can silence them
If I swallow the tablets
But then I’m rendered dormant with them

How many milligrams
Should I take
To treat a heartbreak?

When I remember things that hurt
All the pain, the strife
The months, years of brokenness
I know they hurt
I know I should be able to feel them
They should break me from within
But instead
I just feel
Still

Give me something to indulge in
I’m tired of feeling grey
I want to feel truly, properly alive
Let me eat until I can’t stand it
Drink until I can’t stand at all
Pleasure me not by my own hand
Surround me in comfort
Delight me
Would someone please kiss me?
Just give me one good reason
Just something to hold on to