I've been attending my funeral
In this new reoccurring dream
It seems even my subconscious
Is growing tired
Of this Low self esteem
And the man behind the gun
Is just the man in the mirror
I've even started praying to god
That  this muddled vision of my future
Might become a little clearer
Because this gift I've been given
Is like a malnourished seed
All this time waiting for flowers or trees
But left there at my headstone
Just a pile of weeds

You come through my opened door
And I feel your hands softly wrap around me
I turn around,  but you are gone
Then yet again you're behind me
This time pushing me to the ground
I used to be able to pick myself up
Yet now I see I rely on your touch to give me strength
I feel you carry me and lay me on your lap
My head on your beating heart
I allow myself to forgive you
Just as you throw me off
When it's good
We can do anything and it's us against the world
But when it's bad
The chain around our hearts tighten until it almost kills us both
I get up to leave
But you pull me close
Forever making me stay by reminding me of my love for you
I couldn't go without your touch
Even if you push me down
I don't want to live without hearing your heart beat
Even if it's not for me
My heart and my brain go to war
One afraid of getting hurt
The other not caring as long as you're with me
Many watch us as we play the confusing game of love
They cringe and mock
But it's us against the world
Until you, mi amor, want to fight it alone

I was at a party last night
tipping poison down my already-burnt throat
because I thought it could help me to forget you.
however, I forgot my own name
and left yours stuck on my tongue.

they asked me for drugs last night
but they laughed at me
when I told them about your smile.
everything about you is addictive
to the point of me craving you every second.

when everyone had gone last night
and I was left alone to pick up
the shattered pieces of themselves
that they left on the floor,
I wished you were there.

in a way, you were with me last night.
forcing me to empty the bottle of *****;
whispering with your lips touching my ear;
occupying every single thought I had.
I thought I didn't miss you anymore.


I was wrong.
you were never the one that was missing.
you took me with you.

you asked me what love is today, little one.
I smiled and said,
love is your mummy and daddy smiling.
love is how we care for you.
love is the way we kiss.

I wish I could say that love
is always made up of comfort
and warmth
and a cherished feeling
spreading through your veins.
but it's not.
love is the tears stained into your cheeks.
love is the constant feeling of jealousy
because you can't bear anyone taking away
the only person who makes you happy.
love is sadness
love is broken
love is a knife
that twists in your stomach
every time he doesn't reply.

I wish I could say love was easy, little one.
It's not.
But it sure as hell is beautiful.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you fade.
I'm waiting until you become dust
all for a more prominent ribcage
and to be able to cut diamonds
with your collarbones.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you cry
in front of your reflection.
your pain is never beautiful
but your soul always will be.
you always were.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you die.
you were always so fragile,
so delicate. I fear you might snap
when I try to hug you close,
with your bones digging into my arms.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you fight.
although, it's not so much of a fight
when you're too tired to
and the winner is guaranteed
and you never wanted to win anyway.

you were a galaxy*
and i was a black hole

it hurts, you know?
what you say, what you do
i'll put up with it anyway
even when i know it's toxic
your actions fake,
untrue.
it's hard, you know?
when all you do is complain
i listen to it anyway
wishing i had half the problems you do
makes me resentful,
insane.
please know
what i say, what i do
you should put up with anyway
listen and care, compromise
be unselfish and optimistic
even if for an hour,
a day.
i'm tired of not feeling like a person
but this won't escape me
i won't tell you, no
it just hurts
and it's hard
really
you know?