Please don’t call me beautiful
when your hands are between my legs,
and god forbid you say it as a seg-way
between you’re so hot
and my caution, your response
you’re sure you don’t want to?
I’m pretty sure the way my body looks,
nineteen and stress-infused with an Oreo belly
isn’t really what you pictured beneath my blouse,
and I’m positive you didn’t listen
to the story about my dad and the bad prom dress
because you cared. It was just sentiment. You said it was beautiful,
but really you wanted me to believe the act
like a description in the Playbill
and ride that trust all the way until the curtain dropped.
Please don’t call me beautiful
when the word ******* is before it
or if we are ******* because making love
is for married couples and you don’t even want me
sticking around for the ****** sunrise that peers
underneath your shade every morning.

Tell me I’m beautiful when I’m crying—
crack me open and watch the colors bleed
like a painting that hasn’t dried. Admire
the light that peaks through the clear parts
like a windowpane, no blinds.
Tell me I’m beautiful when I’m laughing,
when I’m reading my favorite part of a book,
when I’m stuffing my face with peanut-butter
pretzel bites and I haven’t washed my sheets in weeks,
and I’ll know you can’t be lying
because I’ve listened to the waves your heart makes
when you’re sleeping and I’ve called your smile
to the surface many times when you’ve tried
to deflect it back inside. You’ll know that
and you’ll know I’m beautiful.  
Call me beautiful
when you’re not even trying.
Call me beautiful when you’re by yourself
and the smell of my hair is still on your pillow,
or the memory of how dumb I sounded
singing my favorite song breaks your heart back
to the best little pieces.

Spring Ahead
Fall Behind
Walking through the warm leaves
I heard a couple
Thank God
For an extra hour of sleep
But we just looked at each other
With knowing smiles
And headed back to your place
And for that extra hour
We drove in your car
At 90 miles an hour
With the windows down
Blaring jazz music
Cigarettes trailing smoke
And orange embers
Behind us
And we sat on your couch
And drank cheap beer
Till everything was fuzzy
And I couldn’t hear right
And you kissed me when I turned your way
Because you thought I wanted it
And I just couldn’t tell what you said
And you kissed me harder
As you pulled down my skirt
Clumsily
Because you hadn’t done this in a while
And our skin smelled like beer
And nicotine
And regrets
And it was the most beautiful
Imperfect
Night of my life
And when we heard the one o’clock church bells
A second time
You pulled back on
Your ripped up jeans
And I slipped my phone
Under my bra strap
And I left
Closed your door
Covered in chipping paint
Years of frat boys' dreams
Stripping off
And I left
And that was the end
And that hour never existed

Oh Porcelain Heart,
How did they manage to break you?
Why did you fall for their damaging ways?
Let me help you pick up the pieces,
Please, I'm begging you.

                          You soul is over here
                                                                                                  Your mind is over there
You managed to keep your sanity in place

They threw your around like a ragdoll,
Ignoring your delicate complexion
      And the inevitable china emotions
           You unwillingly carried in your head.

Don't cry Porcelain Heart,
I tried to put you back together again,
Without the King's horses and King's men,
One pair of hands tried to fasten you to reality,
But I let the rope go and let you slip into fantasy.

I wish you’d kiss away my tears
Wish you’d open my lips
The way you have
Every intricate part of me
And steal your name
Right off my lips
Right out of my mouth
Until all thats left of me
Is this drunken desire
To drink to forget
Your
Name

A beleaguered mind behind placid eyes
This stoic facade is my disguise
There's a pain I cannot fully verbalize
Impossible to rationalize or make you realize
My emotions run deep, that much is true
They are the reason for my heart's grand coup
Its fighting my mind, making me blind
Makes me want to run scared of an attack from behind
It consumes my thoughts and fuels my fears
Its a battle I feel I'm losing and it brings me to tears
I feel the loss of control taking a hold over me
And its my darkest thoughts that say they'll set me free
Make me free? I want to believe
Because after it all who would really miss me?
Nobody knows of my pain, driving me insane
Spreading like cancer throughout my brain
I try to reach for help but the doors keep closing
Its a living night terror and this world is a show screen
There's no wake up or brake up from this terror existing
My thoughts told me how to end it - drop from a building
Kiss that pavement, make a statement, go out nice and quick
Because dealing with my problems makes me always feel sick
My head's always in the toilet
I'm a walking disappointment
I'm so afraid to face myself, I missed my psychiatrist appointments

Black figments flitting in the corners of my mind.

Shadows fluttering and swelling on the winds of memory, pressing      and closing about me.

Darkness, blinding and choking the light I struggled to gain.

I see blinding light, shredding shadow and opening the world, saving me from myself.

Your eyes.

I knew all day that you didn’t want me.
The sirens rang, red flag tear ducts, and I
was just waiting for the bomb to drop.
I felt it, in my gut as they say,
like a paperweight, and choked
on all the tears before I even knew
they were coming. Here’s the thing—
you asked me. The rest spoke for itself.

The dress, the earrings, the phone call, the couch,
your gym shorts, glasses, and answering machine.

But we went to dinner, and you called me beautiful.
You threw croutons over the table, made me laugh,
let me hold your hand while they brought my iced tea.
I even found myself picturing you next to me.
I spread my palms, open, but I didn’t ask for a thing.
Yet, you kept defending yourself, explaining everything,
and I just wanted you to pay for the two of us to eat.

Your face is all that I see. Then why, why do I find myself
time after time again in these situations
where I keep plugging myself into equations
that obviously aren’t meant to be? You’re so sweet.
But if you searched through the crowd,
I’m not sure you’d want to find me.

I should have left you on the couch. Honestly,
I knew all day that you didn’t want me.
But I kissed you a million little times,
let your tongue explore my silent confessions,
willed you to find yourself
through the spaces of my mouth.
I should have just left you on the couch.

For a generation labeled as "Reckless" we only seem to be reckless to ourselves.

When you kiss me
Do you taste
The words left dead on my lips
A mouthful of ghosts?

When you breathe me in
Do you fill your lungs
Then choke me down
Like a shot of whiskey?

When you touch me
Do you trace your fingers
Along the signature
Depression left on my arms?

When you hold me
Do you feel all the pieces
That won’t ever be put back together
Can you tell
That’s the way I was made?

I’m not broken
Because I was never whole
In the first place.

My son runs, wrapping arms around
my nebulous waist.

"l love you, Mom!"  He squeezes tighter,
as if letting go would be his black hole.

"I love you, too, " I squeeze back, absent mindedly.  (Where is the cream? I need coffee.)

"I love you more!" he breathes, without pause.
He gazes into my eyes,
searching my planets.

"Oh no, that can't be true," I retort.
I forget the coffee, his eyes are starlight.

"I love you to infinity!" he exclaims,
staring harder.

He wants to sail the Milky Way with me.

"Me too," I reply, and remember oxygen tanks.

I'm speaking in light years, and I hope the sound waves will catch up to him.

His face cracks into a million years of forever, before he lets go,
dancing across the universe of our livingroom,
his solar system intact.

At least for now.