everything is numb again
i'm back in that familiar grey
the grey that weighs down my shoulders
it lays on my chest and
traps my breath in my lungs.

****
these monsters in my bones
they claw away at me

my life my soul, my dignity
i need it back

please

its happening

my lungs are constricting

breathing is stuttering

hands are shaking

i thought i was better

its been so long

my head pounds

i just want to go home
to sleep
to be alone

i could fake sick

but i wont

i am trying
to remember how to write

i can write this
can't I?

Good morning
Good morning depression
Good morning self loathing
Good morning anxiety
Good morning ADD

Good night stability
Good night happiness
Good night understandings
I’ll see You later

When I finally wake up from this nap

the monsters in my bones
clay away at my skin
begging to be let out
like a dog seeing a squirrel
the rip and tear away at me
destroying me from the inside out

GOOGLE:

how to help someone
when you cant even help yourself

falling apart
in shreds at your feet

will you help
put me back together?

i want to write
but
i dont remember how

theres a part of me
that hates my body
that wants to tear me apart
eat at my heart
and never let me breathe

my science teacher has no anxiety

i wonder what thats like

Here lies
All of my lies

An epitaph

I saw the help button on here
I almost impulsively pushed it
Trying to get help for myself
Then I realized that the button
Is if anything goes wrong
On this site
Not with me

Hahaha

I’m so tired
I’ve pushed my body to its limits

To my limits

Who knows how far this body
Is willing to go

To survive

please

save me

this is a cry for help

longing for attention

dont let me go

back

back to that place
the familiar darkness
that creeps around me

steals the air from my lungs
and the blood from my veins

i long for the end

or the before

when there was nothing
but me

or the end

where there is no more adjusting

i hate the process
breaking and healing

then breaking more

i worry that i wont heal
from this

anymore

i fear i'm drowning
i'm searching for the words to write
i need to express these feeling
in some way healthy
so i write
i write
i write
i write
i write stories that have no ending
and ****** poems
just to validate myself
i want to get rid of these feelings
so i write
i write
i write

he tries his hardest to be seen
he stands tall
he looks mean
but still there's this look in his eye
hes just trying
trying to survive
he is trying to live
he wants to succeed
in his dream

If I hide they won’t find me


Please don’t let them find me

everything angers me
these trivial classes im forced to sit through
i just want to scream
and tell them all what i think
but i wont do that
so i will suffer
in silence

my lover is leaving
dancing far away with another
her name, Nin
and as she goes
so does Will
Will who?
Will to live, of course
Nin and Will run far away
leaving gaps in the seats of the theater
empty spaces that will be filled
with people clothed in red
wearing masks labeled
happy
love
nice
giving kisses that leave you empty
flowing out into the bedsheets,
the bedsheets that you and Nin used to hide under
when the thunderstorm hit
when the lightning flashed
and you and Nin watched movies
until Will came in and tucked you to sleep
taking Nin with him,
and you would sleep peacefully,
knowing that they are right outside the door

but when you wake up
there is somebody else in your house
in the spaces that should've been filled
they whisper their names,
they could never speak loud enough to be noticed
Mia
Ana
Nia
There will be no more calm in this house
it is filled with the sound of shattering glass
breaking bones and ripped clothes
ring through the shell of a house
the house that once stood tall
now slumps in front of a heavy backpack
not able to be heard or seen

and you wait for the return of Nin
and for Will to make their way back in

and they come back
in the form of a blue pill
oblong in shape, and glimmering in the light
almost as beautiful as Nin was
and the ingredients on it say
Serotonin

words scrawled across my skin
words that i cant read
only feel
they carve themselves into my flesh
a constant reminder that they are there
and i am nowhere

and even though i cant take the pain from the words
the pain will fade
it always does

until there are more words to be carved
printed into my skin,
never to be forgotten
but not quite remembered