everything is numb again
i'm back in that familiar grey
the grey that weighs down my shoulders
it lays on my chest and
traps my breath in my lungs.

Why must I be depressed?

Here lies
All of my lies

An epitaph

i fear i'm drowning
i'm searching for the words to write
i need to express these feeling
in some way healthy
so i write
i write
i write
i write
i write stories that have no ending
and ****** poems
just to validate myself
i want to get rid of these feelings
so i write
i write
i write

GOOGLE:

how to help someone
when you cant even help yourself

falling apart
in shreds at your feet

will you help
put me back together?

Good morning
Good morning depression
Good morning self loathing
Good morning anxiety
Good morning ADD

Good night stability
Good night happiness
Good night understandings
I’ll see You later

When I finally wake up from this nap

its happening

my lungs are constricting

breathing is stuttering

hands are shaking

i thought i was better

its been so long

my head pounds

i just want to go home
to sleep
to be alone

i could fake sick

but i wont

the monsters in my bones
clay away at my skin
begging to be let out
like a dog seeing a squirrel
the rip and tear away at me
destroying me from the inside out

i am trying
to remember how to write

i can write this
can't I?

Crying Prozac tears tonight

i try to write on my own
without having someone it read
but it is very hard to keep everything to yourself
they say to let it out in a journal
but where does it go from there
it stays in your back pocket
or in your backpack

i write for myself
but for people to read
and to see

****
these monsters in my bones
they claw away at me

my life my soul, my dignity
i need it back

please

If I hide they won’t find me


Please don’t let them find me

When I’m at work
Sometimes I am a total *******
I believe it’s to make my coworkers hate me
So when anxiety creeps up and tells me
That none of my coworkers like me

It’ll be true this time

Why the hell would I want to torture myself like that?
That’s absolutely crazy to do that

Yet here I am

my science teacher has no anxiety

i wonder what thats like

I’m so tired
I’ve pushed my body to its limits

To my limits

Who knows how far this body
Is willing to go

To survive

I’m sad today

everything angers me
these trivial classes im forced to sit through
i just want to scream
and tell them all what i think
but i wont do that
so i will suffer
in silence

my lover is leaving
dancing far away with another
her name, Nin
and as she goes
so does Will
Will who?
Will to live, of course
Nin and Will run far away
leaving gaps in the seats of the theater
empty spaces that will be filled
with people clothed in red
wearing masks labeled
happy
love
nice
giving kisses that leave you empty
flowing out into the bedsheets,
the bedsheets that you and Nin used to hide under
when the thunderstorm hit
when the lightning flashed
and you and Nin watched movies
until Will came in and tucked you to sleep
taking Nin with him,
and you would sleep peacefully,
knowing that they are right outside the door

but when you wake up
there is somebody else in your house
in the spaces that should've been filled
they whisper their names,
they could never speak loud enough to be noticed
Mia
Ana
Nia
There will be no more calm in this house
it is filled with the sound of shattering glass
breaking bones and ripped clothes
ring through the shell of a house
the house that once stood tall
now slumps in front of a heavy backpack
not able to be heard or seen

and you wait for the return of Nin
and for Will to make their way back in

and they come back
in the form of a blue pill
oblong in shape, and glimmering in the light
almost as beautiful as Nin was
and the ingredients on it say
Serotonin

words scrawled across my skin
words that i cant read
only feel
they carve themselves into my flesh
a constant reminder that they are there
and i am nowhere

and even though i cant take the pain from the words
the pain will fade
it always does

until there are more words to be carved
printed into my skin,
never to be forgotten
but not quite remembered