the Sun is slightly brighter after
the winter solstice
I think it's this way because we start to miss Her

maybe it's the reflection off the snow banks
or the contrast from the blue skies

we take Her for granted most of the time -
then when we can't have Her
our minds wander where She went

I find it's this way with most things,
don't you?

days feel like dreaming lately
so much so that I don't think I've
even had the chance to dream

the world is spinning
      faster than it usually does

my head is spinning
      faster than it usually does

my heart is heavy
my hands are sweaty

sweet dreams are not made of these.

Nights like these are calm
and I think about you

and I like to read poetry

and I used to pick the neighbors dandelions

then one day I realized flowers are better untouched

and maybe so am I

but then I think about you

and that reading poetry makes me calm

and nights like these

I rest easy

It’s nights like these where we remember our roots

the rain comes down heavy like a weeping widow 
and the moon lays low in the shimmering sky

six feet a p a r t
please stand six feet a p a r t
do not touch your face
do not gather with others
do not go outside
do not
do not

DO NOT -

Mother Nature has taken back all that she has once offered
Her sunsets have become more beautiful than ever
Her air is finally better to breathe

six feet apart

on the street corner adjacent from my house
people are waiting for the light to turn green
standing no less than six whole feet apart


please stand six feet apart

even more so now
the people of the city are treating others like they have the plague - for good reason


do not touch your face

as more pimples arise that usual
I am fighting internal and external battles
of picking every last one of them until they bleed


do not gather with others

the amount of barren space in the park is sinister
everyone alone - unless they are coupled


do not go outside

the trees are breathing
the earth is singing
the oceans are cleaning


do not
do not
DO NOT


six feet apart
or
six feet under

do you understand the rules of the game?

i feel sick
in my mind
thinking about all the burdens
i have put
on the people i love
most

a trigger of emotions
coming out of left field
a field goal
from behind the starting line

a broken toe on a ballerinas foot
after spending years practicing

one slip up
one moment
one word

can shake it all
can rupture the volcano

at least it doesn't always last for this long

it feels like a serrated knife
has entered my chest with such an extreme might
backed by a force with so much emotion
that it's hard to feel the pain

my whole body hurts when thinking of
thoughts that maybe shouldn't
be
thought.

it's hard to tell the different between dreams and reality these days (i think i'm feeling what i'm supposed to be?)

the knife has been twisted and
yanked out
with a might
I cannot express.

leaving it's wound - is even worse
it was filling a void that not even I could muster
filling a void I didn't know was there.

now that it has left its final resting place (in my chest)
i should have left it there.

Days like this are difficult,
when the silence bites like starving horse flies
when the tides of the ocean rise with might

Sometimes I hear a siren off in the distance
       constant, dull, aching.

The Earth - she is magnetic
the most magnificent creature
caught in the depths of doom
but fighting harder than any of us.

Her trees breathe,
Her air hums,
Her sea sings,

When the silence bites -
Listen for Her. Anywhere you can.

Nighttime,
she creeps up
like a popped tire
on the highway
she waits until
she’s unexpected
she strikes
minds lost
body shivering
thoughts racing
unable to regain
control

Nighttime,
she says,
“it’s quite now,
we can go.”

Nighttime,
she always
returns
with daggers
ready
to fight off
the demons
that sit heavy
in your head

I call myself a Professional Sleeper
Because I was convinced I could sleep through
any type of sadness or any type of confusion.

I was convinced I could sleep after
any argument or any type of disaster.

Yet, for the past two nights I have weapt myself to sleep
as my brain swells against my skull and makes my thoughts feel like cymbols in a marching band

I was convinced I would be able to sleep off even the worst of times
and that would be how I coped

But once you try to sleep when your heart is breaking, and your head is screaming, and your eyes are too sore to shut,

It's impossible
I promise you.

honey sherbets skies
haze in the distance
shouting through the oxygen
covering our faces
ripping our insides
out by our outsides
fifty-two days down
i can't decide
who i'm becoming

the sunset melts like sherbet in the freezer
when the power goes off
suddenly we were never better
sinking and swimming
drowning or staying afloat
to live is to die
to die is, well, who knows

stop

breathe

recognize the leaves
of the trees
falling in patterns
on the ground
we cannot recreate

notice the hum
of the street cars
and people frolicking
to and from bars

wrapping themselves
in sweaters
trying to handle
the change in weather

a tune to hum while
dancing in the fall
skipping steps that
matter more than
anything at all


stop

breathe

stop

b r e a t h e

I am swimming
at the bottom of the ocean

it's black and I am lost

and I can't swim fast enough
to get to the top in time
before I suffocate myself

a strange series of events that don't make as much sense as we thought they would

i don't understand much -
i spend a lot of days obsessing about things i shouldn't
my brain running faster than an olympic gold medalist sprinting over hurdles -
diving through hoops -
of what could have been or should have been -
what could have made things different
what should have stayed the same
what unapolgetic thing did I say because I always say at least one

I need to start biting my tongue
or thinking about things that actually matter

compartmentalization, I haven't found out how to do that yet
I'm not quite sure if I ever will

save me from myself
so I can save me from you

my mind runs faster
than that racehorse, Thoroughbred -
He holds the record in the Guinness Book of Records for fastest horse racing.


Mine is held for
mind racing

when you're sitting on a coast, in the middle of the jungle, waves crashing in front of you... Is it possible to break the record?
Or must it still be held?

I find moments where I overthink to be oddly satisfying.
I have a brief moment of confusion and frustration, where I am writing stories in my head that are not true.

Sometimes it's difficult to find what we call - a middle ground.
Sometimes i'm not quite sure what that means anymore.

Life as we know it- is changing.
No one knows what it will look like three months from now, or three years from now.

My heart aches to realize the devastation of that which we are currently experiencing.
To truly understand the depth of it all.
The motions,
What is normal,
What is,
What is not.

What we see,
What we fear,
What we love,
What we challenge.

These moments are trivial.

Trying to breathe deeply
is like trying to find God
in a world riddled with
people named Lucifer.

The reality is,
you will never find God if you're
searching too hard.

Looking too deeply for anything
is like blinding yourself
from the reality that
sits
right
infront
of

you.

it's like a sumo wrestler is on my chest
so heavy that my ribs have started to break

it's like four walls closing in
never to see daylight again

it's like the sun never shining
             the birds never chirping
             the leaves never falling.

its like dying
             but slowly.

some days my vision goes
some days my heart stops
somedays I'm so faded I could faint.

it's like drowning when there's only three yards left to the shore.

some days
you fall hard.

harder then you've ever thought,
harder than you've ever fought.

HARDER -

when all you wanted was to be okay.

After the screams die down
I feel Peace
Not the Peace I want to feel
Not the Peace where a smile is real
Not the Peace when bathing in comfort

the Peace where my mind is exhausted
the Peace where not seeing straight is normal
the Peace where breathing doesn't fill my lungs
feeling so empty and so helpless
like the squirrel I watched die in the front yard today
like my dog I watched get hit by a car when I was young
like the E I received on a college paper
like the emptiness in my heart has consumed my soul

The peace that I am most used to,
the Peace of feeling uneasy.

I’ve stopped drinking
(for the most part)
but today is the first time I’ve truly felt like drowning

fighting the urge, stumbling to the bar
asking the shadowed shell of a human behind the bar for
"Whatever will put me out the fastest.”

instead I battled with the ceiling
(and the back of my eyelids)
for longer than I’d like to admit

my eyes, surrounded in black
as my make up has washed itself off
(one less thing I have to deal with)

-

i lost control of my left leg today,
(usually it’s the right)
but I guess the panic attack was
quite literally, keeping me on my toes

(It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this)
my body dripping in perspiration trying to make
sense of everything
the sounds of the city have drowned me more than any bottle could

I started crashing today
walking to work
I thought maybe, for a few short moments, I would pass out -
  
      right on the pavement
      next to the flowers.

It would be pretty to lay there for just a few
      uninterrupted moments.

each month seems to get easier
and the everyday routine
is more familiar

the black and white world
slowly regains color once again

everything is different between the hours of midnight and four AM
mainly from when the sun sets until it rises again

sometimes the world stops spinning for a few unsolicited moments

can you tell a dream from reality
or are you still in denial?

when I came home I laid
with all my clothes on
sinking into my bed
then fell asleep

it was comforting
being held by cotton
for the night
it reminded me of you

everyday I have slept
in these clothes
that I don’t like

because they remind me
of how your blankets
hugged my hips
and your velvet hands
touched my skin

I’ve slept in my clothes
every night since then
and now it has
become a habit
I’m not really
reminded
of you
anymore

on Tuesdays the clouds hang low
they rest just above the foothills
blocking the mountains

on Wednesdays it always clears up
the sun rays come out to cast
happiness upon bike riders
and hikers
and visitors
and kids playing outside
and lawn mowers
and puppies rolling in the warm grass

each day seems to get a little bit brighter
a little bit easier
a little bit happier

do you think the grass is always greener?
or must you disagree?

i cant begin to express the thoughts that dwindle though my brain each day
they are too complex for the any human to digest
honestly, even i can't digest them.

the sun sets around 6:45pm here
we get a few extra minutes of sunlight from living on the coast
the west coast
best coast

best

coast

i
don't
know

im confused and torn
ripped to shreds
by my own frustration
by my own confusion
by disappointments over and over

trying to live my life without expectations is a complete and utter lie

i have to learn how to live

before i decide to die

I am emotionally exhausted,
fighting demons in my head
every minute I'm still
breathing.

captivated

in every sense of the word

It's hard feeling...
anything.

winters are warming
the icicles inside my aorta are melting
allowing my emotions to push and pull
with the blood coursing through my veins

the flowers inside my ribcage have been weeping for so long
until you began to water them
purposuly and diligently
with tenderness,
affection,
devotion.

here I am,
filled with passion for you.
hopelessly devoted to everything that you are
and everything you will be.
everything we will be.

i tried to write about it,
i thought it would help.
but i found myself
four lines
and
two
stanzas
in -

and I was already shaking

cold winters are warming
they wake you up to reality
of fighting the demons,
chasing the tides,
counting your wishes,
and being alive.

each year I break,
in two, in three,
in four.

drowning and wondering
about so much more.

cold winters are waking me up
like someone sitting on my chest
it's too warm and crimson

im not ready yet.

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently

where the howling of the trees 
makes my soul feel at home

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
where
I remember that 
I am not stagnant

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
when
I’ve thought that 
this isn’t right 

but my mind circles back 
on its seventh time around

the round-a-bout

and I try not to get stuck

in the cal-de-sac of lies 

that this town 
is trying
to make me 

believe

I’ll never forget you
not because you’ll never forget me
but even so if we were on opposite ends of the earth
I would still find you

I’ll never forget you
because the way you looked at me melted my soul
It melted the chamber of ice around my ribs
melted the cold heart that sits inside my thorax
melted my mind and reminded me
that not every living creature is as bad as the last

I’ll never forget you
because the seeds that were neglected in my ribcage have turned
into beautiful flowers because you never forgot to water them
your eyes were blue like the ocean and they drowned me

I’ll never forget you
because you always came back when I needed someone
and I don’t always need someone
but I always need you
and I can’t do this alone
but I can’t find you
are you here?

where are you going
I hope you come back

I know you will
I hope you will

I used to feel like a little kid
going to the playground on Thursdays
because Thursdays were the days
where I got to see you for four days straight
and mondays were sad because i left your nest
and i went back “home”

On Tuesdays I missed you
I didn’t get to see you,
even though every other Wednesday I did
but then not for another weekend
not until Thursday

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was eight, and I couldn’t change anything.

I was four when you sat me down
four years old and you said you didn’t love mom anymore
and mom said she didn’t love you
and you said you were going somewhere else
and I didn’t know where
you wound up living in a womans basement
and now that i’m older I know her ex husband

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was four, and I couldn’t change anything.

I hurt myself for the first time
not because of you
no i don’t want to blame you
but it also wasn’t just me
I hurt myself more
and you didn’t really think
when you told me I was doing it for attention
because then my vision was white and my head was heavy
I thought of those words
I still think of those words

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was fifteen, and I couldn’t change anything.

I heard you cry
because I was dying
the only time
I’ve ever seen you
have any emotion
it changed my life
but didn’t change you

Im twenty years old and I live with you
I’m twenty years old and I don’t see you for days
I’m twenty years old and you have no idea who I am
I’m twenty years old and you seem like you’re dead

I’m twenty years old and twenty year olds still need a Father.

together
like the softest dance
the sweetest movements
swaying back and forth
creating space for one another
walking through fire and water
jumping through hurdles
running through glass with bare feet
confronting fears
and hiding emotions

this feeling
of contradiction
confusion
frustration
but
love
understanding
calmness

a dance i cannot follow
a dance my feet are unfamiliar with

i've never really thought about it like this