I’ve stopped drinking
(for the most part)
but today is the first time I’ve truly felt like drowning

fighting the urge, stumbling to the bar
asking the shadowed shell of a human behind the bar for
"Whatever will put me out the fastest.”

instead I battled with the ceiling
(and the back of my eyelids)
for longer than I’d like to admit

my eyes, surrounded in black
as my make up has washed itself off
(one less thing I have to deal with)

-

i lost control of my left leg today,
(usually it’s the right)
but I guess the panic attack was
quite literally, keeping me on my toes

(It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this)
my body dripping in perspiration trying to make
sense of everything
the sounds of the city have drowned me more than any bottle could