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Sep 2017 · 975
Despite
Devan McLain Sep 2017
I wish I knew how to feel ten times bigger than myself
but I get so lost in the swarm that is me, that is inside of me
this being and entity that I am sometimes too out of touch with
and sometimes I can't separate myself from
I need to feel you, I need to feel that you feel me and I need to know that you see me
but I can't even see myself
can't even fix myself

I get so lost in the sadness that comes from constant failure and I lose touch with all the love that surrounds me
animals who loves me, the man who loves me

I want a man who tells me he needs his girl
you always need your girl
I love you so much
I love you so much for wanting me
I feel like you love me despite of who I am, how I am, who I am, how I am....
what separates my actions from who I am as a person, as a partner?

I may forget everything else, but I will never forget my love for you
I will never forget the pain that comes from just the thought of losing you
I want this to work, I want to work, I want to make this work
I can't' lose myself, but I myself am lost
I can't lose this, I can't lose you
what am I to do?
Where will we be in ten years time, will we love each other still or will our frustrations stopped our hearts from feeling the love despite what we are together?
I want you to love me for who I am, I need you to love me for who I am
not despite who I am...
I need to love me for who I am
not despite who I am
despite myself I love you. I love you I live you
Jun 2017 · 870
I am something
Devan McLain Jun 2017
This is where you lift me up
Just so I have farther to fall
The harder I hit the ground, the further into the mud and grime I will sink
And that is where I will stay, if you have any say about it

You don't, though, do you?
I am the one who dictates my own thoughts. The hauntings and memories of a past life whisper to me sweet nothings that will keep me in this ground, under here where I am safe and sound from the challenge of the world
But I will leave nothing behind me in life because that is exactly what the memory of you is to me.
Nothing.
You will never win. You never did.
You didn't trap me like you promised that night so long ago, you couldn't make me stay to accompany your orchestra of pitifully arranged mind tricks you thought would hold me.
I am something more than you and your lies will never be, I am whole.
Dec 2015 · 497
Cope
Devan McLain Dec 2015
Dangerous convictions take such long walks
and change so much after simple talks
I'm overwhelmed when my mind's unkind
but I'm healthy in my body and my mind

Tell me what's good and how to abstain
but going backwards is not my game
I don't need you to tell me what is real and whats not
Im hid from it all and I don't have no thoughts

Spacious in here, inside my mind
Don't tell me what to do cause you'll just waste my time

here i can stay till the end of my time
but don't worry..
I'm healthy in my body and my mind

What do you do when you're all out of time
But it's all you can do to not lose your mind

Say what do you know as you take some to unwind i
Why don't you sit down and we'll do another line
Cause I'm healthy in my body and my mind

People's advice when they pretend that they know
All you can think is how they put on a show

Do you really know what it is to be sane?
I can't remember my own name
you tell me what to do and you tell me you won't
you say i remember what you don't

I force my memory to stay the same
cause you can't tell me what you can't explain
Can't count how many times ive cried
But I'm healthy in my body and my mind
Another song I haven't finished
Aug 2015 · 703
I was so bitter
Devan McLain Aug 2015
Oh, I don't know what it is
Can't place it
The man wants to stay so I erase him
Left so often at the foot of his bed
Crumpled up with his sheets the morning after

Oh, I was so bitter
but I am better now

You might have seen me, I was trying
But don't you see that I was sliding,
down that spiral, I was dying
Left so often so wide open
Got it together just the same!
I didn't let you board my train

Oh, I was so bitter
but I am better now

You may have had me in your pocket
You may have broken into me
Left so often so wide open
Got it together just the same!
I didn't let you board my train
Another song
Sep 2014 · 458
Untitled
Devan McLain Sep 2014
Leap to see where they bring you when you do exactly what everyone does
Go to see where the bronzed and shiny, the blonde and skinny, the buff and the beautiful, the catchy things sleep here, it's all about the trend and the he said this she said that magazines plastering a wallpaper of celebs and what's-hot on the interior walls structuring my mind
do they feed on your self confidence too?
They crush youth and make believe that caring will be the death of them, that a soul gets ripped free of it's shackles everytime something genuine and real happens, something naked and imperfect, something totally weird and not what you'd say is the norm, here now, won't you see me as I am? It's progressive to be a little bit different now?
What else do they say to you when you are breathless and sighing on the ground- we all see when things are wrong, but everyone here is so small when the big man wants their money and their cars and things, it's easier to have nothing but the stuff that is shoved down our throats has become something everyone needs.
Hi, I'm high. This is my rant. Can't figure out how to make it private, so here you go!
Jul 2014 · 562
I'm no good at titles
Devan McLain Jul 2014
My shattered brow is not wilted by the weight of disgust and I am lifted from agony

I will lift you out of yours.
Nothing is forever, but pain never heals
It can make some stronger
and for some, the cracks only get wider

This passion that escapes me radiates outwards like a Mandala
and it reminds me not to forget,
but to let it go

I feel the words that will pour down from the lips,
and they will be beautiful once again.


Experience is always behind you,
take it away, take it away
Dec 2013 · 747
Poison
Devan McLain Dec 2013
I can hear the shadow come
living amoung our tainted hearts
it will sink into your mind
attracted to all of these damaged parts

when you see this simple start
to a tragic end that's yet to come
you must fight with all your might
you time has yet to come

when you stare into the empty mist
can you see yourself in the headlight?
it pulls you into it so you are lost
you are lost

why oh why can't you recognize
when your heart is not your own
it gets so hard to realize
when it seeps into your bones

I think I've lost my tragic end
I see a light now but it's warm and bright
this ancient recipe for pain and gain
will only see you through for a small part

The rest is up to you
when you start to see
It kills you from the bottom up
It can't be hard to see
sitting there right in front of you
can't be hard to see


why oh why can't you recognize
when your heart is not your own
it gets so hard to realize
when it seeps into your bones

I know I see you sitting there
but you are not alone
your mind is filled with such despair
you are not alone

I cry- and you hear
and you tell me it's an act
am I an actress
in a movie?
Should I know these lines?
A song.
Oct 2013 · 432
Untitled
Devan McLain Oct 2013
I have to stop
looking into that mirror
I memorize lines that have never yet crossed my face
I agonize over every detail of what may come and what we may become
it creeps into your mind and it's all you can see at night
when you are wide awake
and it's gnawing away at the only thing that keeps you alive at times like this-
that feeling of adequacy that washes over your bad thoughts like an ocean will wash stones clean and smooth,
she falls in love with every man she cannot help
sometimes there are moments that are simply perfect
but he's interrupting me
he is talking over me
I can smell the alcohol on his breath over the phone he reeks so bad
I'm pretty high.
Aug 2013 · 586
Fuck you
Devan McLain Aug 2013
You didn't just let me fall, you triumphed only by towering above me and pushing me as far beneath you as I could go.


I am here to tell you that you did not win.

YOU DID NOT WIN. YOU DID NOT BEAT ME.
I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF YOU.
I know you will read this.
Dec 2012 · 503
Standing So Still
Devan McLain Dec 2012
Sometimes I think about how okay with being sad some people are
how they tread so lightly in their lives
to avoid unsettling the dust that might change something.

I hear you thinking
sometimes
about how we shouldn't be standing so still
but you sit so cleanly on your throne of discontent

and I've never seen to you do more than stand and fall back down

wash away the empty, push it into the water and weigh it down with stones because it doesn't exist
And will never weigh you down as much as your own routine
Jan 2012 · 905
Fuck
Devan McLain Jan 2012
******* catastrophes
lifting me up and shoving me into the ground
just to show me how worthless I am
I am dirt, I am mud
I'm not the worm, but the slime that encases them

I need to find a way to fight the **** that falls into my mouth
creeping upward
seeping into my thoughts
with a disturbing promise of permanence
and a heavy heavy volume when it claws it's way back to the tip of my tongue
but only when I'm trying to respond to your stupid, misguided compliment.
This was an excercise from my Writer's club- we had to write a poem starting with a cuss word. DO IT
Jan 2010 · 1.6k
Love in the grass
Devan McLain Jan 2010
With the cloudy sky reflecting in the drops of dew
we made love in the grass,
the passionate entanglement
left green in our crevasses,
and yellow flowers braided themselves fragilely into our hair
what an uncomfortable experience!

Oh, but, one Ill never forget-
you, always so clean, now covered in green, and me laughing away, red red roses stuck between my teeth as we tumble down that hill, and into the neighbor's yard.
Its full of bicycles, new and red, shiny and broken, small and old
and he says he doesn't mind if we take one for a ride, as long as we fix our clothes and get out of his yard-
Take a shower, he said, you look like you
could blend in with the trees and the buttercups-
and don't come back until you do!
Get rid of that green, and that yellow, and
the red red red stuck in your teeth,
you wouldn't want the any of the real flowers biting your toes,
impostors aren't welcome in a field of daffodils, you ought to know-

So, we took our bikes, rode to the river, and we jumped-
SPLASH!
The colorful droplets fled downstream, and joined the trout-
weren't the fishermen surprised when they pulled in a blue fish,
green fish, and yellow and red!
Jan 2010 · 686
Fly
Devan McLain Jan 2010
Fly
You and I are nothing but flesh coloured stone,
composed of emotions that should not exist,
Maybe someday we can bring ourselves to just walk by doors we know have been  
shut instead of standing outside them, howling in our misery,
pounding on the panels of wood
Maybe we can climb through the open window, our arms morphing into wings, and we can fly-
Fly away.
Jan 2010 · 824
Don't open my mouth
Devan McLain Jan 2010
Don't ask me to open my mouth, just so you can look inside and find the words I wasn't going to say.

I tell you I love you because I mean it, not because I've been told to,
and not because I feel any sort of pity.

Why do you say that,
that I can tell you anything,
when all you do is put me down for the words I let escape?
Every time I start to sing a song,
you start singing something completely different.
I sing out loud and clear,
but you sing louder than me.
Your voice is huge,
and I can't hear anything else.
You see me move my lips, but you can't seem to hear a sound.

I'll never sing again to you, if you just can't hear a sound.


Try looking around with a bit of clarity, see your surroundings with a head lacking such judgment.
Look through new eyes, I'd rid my head of sight entirely and let you see with mine, but sometimes my eyesight is just as bad as yours.
Jan 2010 · 625
This Title is Best
Devan McLain Jan 2010
How can you not let me in?
Let me in-
let me linger on your floor-
I am passion, and I am desire,
I can fill you with fulfillment,
I can fill you with pain.
I am what should fill that empty hole inside your heart,
and I am the empty that fills it already.
I am the food you stuff when you feel swollen
and the drink you take to drown.
Why won't you let me in, and make me stay a while-
Have me enter you, and go throughout, let me give you what I can.
You can count on me to never spill, I'll never let my insides fall, no water will ever spill from these eyes.
Jan 2010 · 1.1k
My friend, why don't you...?
Devan McLain Jan 2010
Contemplate your ******
before bearing it to all the world
who do you think you are, showing yourself to any who deem it worthy to glance at?
Practice the modesty you preach, and cover the stark nature of your character.
Prudence is wise, and it is amoung common thought that those who steal the interior of your heart may want nothing more than manipulation of what they see with the wrong head.
Jan 2010 · 757
Come Forth
Devan McLain Jan 2010
Disrobe this statue!
Something real lies beneath
Rising every morning to adorn that mask,
do you wonder what thoughts would cross minds if they could see the underneath?
What crisis would you encounter if the marble were to melt,
and sink through the perpetual prison you yourself set up with grinding teeth?
Would the string that binds together your shattered confidence fray at the edges?

What if your hushed and humbled insides asserted themselves and saw growth within reach, would you allow it to burst forth, and become visible? Or would you push it down inside where the space to retreat seems endless?
Jan 2010 · 3.6k
Excitement
Devan McLain Jan 2010
Don't choke on your excitement, spit it out!
It's not like you can swallow and digest it,  it isn't made for the human body-
Over-excitement is a fatal disease, don't let it overcome your sanity, your common sense.
Keep your head on loose, but not too loose, it might fall off, and once off, it's rather easily lost..
But remember to not wind it too tight, the dangers there are nearly overwhelming, it could pop off from the tension,
or burrow downward, and it's always unpleasant to dig anything out your posterior.

— The End —