you pretend you've lost count
                                (feverishly, insides painted red and dripping-)
of how many times it's ended in "i'm sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry please come back"
"please listen"
"please dont leave"
(he won't and the door slams)

of how many times you've dredged yourself out of icy lakes to
grasp desperately at his clothes, his skin, his hair
breathing cold air into cold lungs, smearing paint onto his lips
to pretend
that this isn't another
                                                                (please god no)
                        
                                                      rewind

you tip the coffee to your lips, a dark brew, red dripping down the cup
and-
you know how this ends, but you always did, didn't you?

He's drowning hes dying someone save him hes drowning
hes drowning
              hes drowning
                             hes drowning
hes
always been drowning, stupid girl, didn't you know?
Didn't you?

sometimes the pills do it (32), sometimes the blades (48)
sometimes he just doesn’t wake up (25)
sometimes he climbs to the tallest building and-
                                                     rewind
rewind. rewind. rewind rewind rewindrewind rewind

you pretend that you've lost count
but you know
you always knew
that it would come to this, that it would end and
                                               (im sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry)
the only thing you could do was drown with him

sinking
sinking
sinking
into icy depths
watching
the fish swim by as your lips turn blue and his eyes close and your insides burn like a gallon of bleach and

you tip the paint to your lips, red falling from the corners of your mouth,
snaking down your throat, wrapping around your heart
you dredge yourself out of an icy lake and-
                                                      rewind

Oh....
You came.
You should’ve gone home, this is just a waste of time.
…
Why did you write that?
It was full of lies.
I don’t like lies.

And I don’t like you.
You smile all the time, never stop talking, and can’t seem to take a hint.
How am I supposed to get a word in?
You don’t leave any room for the truth in your mind.
It’ll be your downfall one day, honestly.
Maybe that day’s today.

Wait- are you crying?
Oh no, don’t do that please, I can’t stand to see you cry.
I-
It’s not your fault so please don’t cry.

I guess I should’ve been more clear.
Maybe then, you would’ve seen the police tape sooner.
And we wouldn’t be here.
But-
….
But I could never blame you for trying to see the best in people.


I’m...I’m not the one for you.
You said that I could’ve replaced the sun with how bright I shine.
That I’m the one poets serenaded for, and-
My smile was the only thing you needed.
That you loved me.

But you must be blind.

If I shined, then trash cans must be impossible to look at.
Because I’m about as good as the grime under my shoes compared to you.
And the only poets that write about me wear blue uniforms and shiny metal on their chests.

And this twisted thing on my face...couldn’t be called a smile.
It’s a mask at best, a scowl I sometimes flip around,
And about as genuine as a politician's silver tongue.
It’s a sham compared to the beautiful rise of your lips- a ***** fraud.


Honestly, darling-
Don’t look at me like that.
I know your hearts so large that it’s hard to see-
But I tried to show you sooner.
I tried to show you just how ****** up I was,
But you didn’t understand.

Please, do yourself a favor and get out while you can.

I break everything I touch,
Held together with elmers and staples,
A patchwork blend of hard-edged parts,
None of them fit together right.
They’ll cut you if you’re not careful.

I carefully forge my expressions in my heart-
Fiery hot like a potter’s kiln-
But so icy cold when the orders stop coming,
And suddenly there’s nothing.

So you see now, right?
I’m broken, a defective model.
I can’t do anything right.
So why would you waste your time on something like that?
When someone like you could have so much better-
Could have the world-
If you wanted it.

Maybe…
If you’d seen the walls I built-
All my sharp edges designed to keep the world away-
The caution tape I wore like bandages to warn people like you.

Maybe It wouldn’t have come to this.
I wouldn’t have to watch you cry over a ****-up like me.
I wouldn’t have to try so hard not to do the same cause ****-
The truth hurts- and oh god was this all too true-

I’m so sorry.

I shouldn’t have come.

I should’ve gone home instead of wasting your time here.

I should’ve written you a letter-
Full of words that come as close as possible to explaining how amazing you are-
And how I’m the complete opposite- a shadow of a person in your light.

Cause I love you so very much,
And I hate to see you cry.

“Hush..hush..hush”


Well not today, my lovely, darling, babe...

These stitches you lovingly laced in my lips,
I'm throwing them away.

Along with the fluttering butterflies, long dead anyways,
Saccharine smiles, wilted rose bouquets,

Looks like it's about to rain.

But I brought an umbrella, what about you?

What a shame, your suit is brand new!

And you just got your hair done today?

How could this happen to you?
,    ,     ,
  ,     ,     ,
,    ,    ,
   ,     ,   ,


I wonder if these raindrops remember us,

How it was,
Before it wasn't,

Before dancing in the rain drowned in the flood,
And love wasn't lost in the waves.

Sharks haunt these waters now,
Flattery lining their fangs,

Looking for starry-eyed babes in the wood to play with and entertain.
.
.
.
Until you don't care anymore,
And I'm here to look pretty and brighten your day.

But I still have something to say, my love,
For I've finally grown my own fangs.
And I'm tired of being a pretty show dog,
Tired of being contained.

One day, you'll look around and see that you're missing someone, something,
And I'll be happy, dancing, beloved, far far away,

And you'll be in some pain,

And It'll be far too late,

But maybe then you'll realize what you let wash away.

“^Betam ewodihalehu”, The man stares down at his lover.
“I haven’t seen you in so long”, He says, recalling the last time.
They were celebrating their anniversary, taking a trip to ^Addis Ababa,
Eyes shining brilliantly, skin warm under the sun, their hands linked,
Wearing a pink necklace.

They’d sat under their favorite tree, the one he’d proposed under,
The one he’d napped under, head in his lover’s lap
Staring up into cocoa eyes.
Staring up at the happiness dancing in those eyes.

He woke up and looked at the empty space on the bed.
Something was missing.
He made breakfast for two.
Someone was missing.  

He found him under their tree, dancing,
With a German necklace around his neck
Choking the happiness out of his sweet eyes.
“^The Western disease”, they said.

The man wondered if these times are really so different,
From the disturbing death of love in concentration camps,
Pink triangles pinned to lifeless frames,
From the accusations of being non-German just because
They didn’t show the same love.

He wondered why the world must be so hateful
That he had feared to hold his lover’s hand,
How so many had lost their lives in the name of
A warm, innocent, love that was no different
From their prosecutor’s.

He stares at the fresh ground, the wooden cross,
Feels the cold air chilling his face,
And wonders why of all the things,
The glorious history that his home contained,
They’d had to inherit the *******.

Someone once told me that everyone dies alone--- and all I could think when I heard such a thing was,
                  “What a lonely end that must be.”





But I don't want to die alone.
When I’m to meet my end, I would like to meet it with you, my lover, my family, my friend, and the stranger that may be reading this.

Sweet Death, give me anybody in this endlessly beautiful universe; I know you have someone to spare.

All I ask is that I do not die alone,

For to die alone-
Must be a terribly lonely end.