I said goodbye a long time ago,
But I can never seem to keep you off my mind,
What have you done to me,
How do I still feel this way,
What spell have casted upon me,
To cause me to think of you more,
You made me laugh,
You made me cry,
You stole my heart,
And then you threw it away,
Those memories I still have come back,
They appear out of nowhere within reach,
Why do I still feel this way,
How do I still want you,
I moved on,
But I guess my heart didn't
My sisters miss you talking to them,
I still long to talk to you,
I still wait for this sadness to overcome me,
I wish I could know how to talk to you,
I wish I could know what you think of me know,
But all I know is that you want nothing to do with me,
So, if you're willing,
Maybe another chance;

"drugs replace love when you're lonely..."
words from an old head who died of an o.d

...rest in peace sobriety,
rest in peace o.g.

Intellectual stimulation* from a twisted mind
Bringing life to the *insanity I tried to hide
Cracking whips to break the chains, feeling death drip from my veins
Pouring poison down the drain from infections inside
Chasing rumors through the sewers, lost in tunnels of depravity; God's the only viewer but this show's not quite reality
Gravity scraped knuckles with me all the way down
A brute stuck in a boot loop asking me to drown
These restarts after crashes turned my synapses to ashes
Now I can't feel the rats in my cyber cerebral casket
Dead in the head and strapped into my bed
I dug at my wrists until I saw red
The doctors applauded at everything the gauze did
It still couldnt stop it *so on it bled

Why did not you
cross the black river
and remained innocent?
Unhealed, failed inside, broken and honest?

You won the race,
the space, the heaven.
Moving away to the farthest blackness.
Your god sits crosslegged, clotting.

Brown hands on white shoulders, boneless
move in circle. Deportation
of words opens the green wounds.
Birds carry the snow on the wings.

I was confused, wanted to love
my broken vowels, for absolute you and me.
The baby face pops up again
in my perfection, speechless.

before you know it, you’ll create time.

let now
give me hope
for the past

I was a fish. it wasn’t enough.

–

we’re the founders
of absence. off the clock

–

like newborns

I have been, I am and I will be documenting the complexities that run rampant within.

It’d be easier if my mind and heart spoke
the same language. Most times they’re in conflict.

So I’ll cope in the best way I know how.
I’ll keep posting...

Because no amount of sentences...
Can succinctly form the verses that fully capture what I see and think.

No amount of metaphors...
Can successfully mask and satisfy what I truly feel.

No amount of poems...
Can accurately draft the blueprint of what and why I am.

Do forgive me for I have fallen far and deep. And for the umpteenth time, I am looking for that window or door so that I could see and taste purpose again.

So please bear with me...
There will be more to come as I indulge in my quest for equilibrium.



Yours in ink,

ryn

.