Just as I started fixing myself,
Someone else broke himself.
It was like a continuous cycle of hopelessness.
I watched it.
I watched as something happened to him and he broke.
And he couldn't pick up the pieces.
So,I helped him.
I maybe not be able to fix him but he will know that someone cares.
That was all I needed to know and no one showed it to me.
I'll show him.
No one deserves to feel this way.

words have never been enough
to convey what's on my mind
i'll never tell you
what you should pay attention to is the pauses
between my fleeting
i'm okays and thank you for askings
if you listened closely
you may have heard
my cries
there is much said in the unspoken
if you looked closely you'd see the red ring around the area just below my elbow
i'd fallen asleep at my desk again
thinking
sobbing- that's something you'd have noticed if you saw the puffiness of my eyes
then you'd know i cried this morning too
you'd know that my smile
was a mere facade
and if you'd understood that
and if you listened close to my heart's thump
then you would have noticed the hum of suicidal thoughts running through my veins
coursing through my very being
feeding into every cell
ringing in my ears
like a mantra
like a death march

Some days,
I feel sadder or more depressed than usual.
Some days,
I'm suicidal again.
I try not to be but,
I can't help it.
Some days,
I'm just more lonely than others.
Some days I think about my lack of friends and how I have been stabbed in the back by so many.
On those days,
I cry.
I cry silently and secretly.
I cry throughout the day.
Some days,
I cry in school when I see you looking so happy with your new friends.
The ones you left me for.
You left me wounded.
You left me to die.
You never looked back.

I am going to close old doors and open new ones.
I am going to forget about all the hurt.
I am going to forget about all the fake friends.
I am going to severe all ties with my previous class.
See them in corridors?
Who cares.
I choose to ignore and forget that bunch of losers.
I am going to forget the thirst for malicious gossip and rumours.
I am going to forget all the lies I have heard.
Thankfully none of them are going to follow me to my next class.
I'll turn invisible.
Sure, I'll have friends but I do not want attention.
For when you are outspoken,
people will make fun of you.
However,
I am not going to stop being successful.
Even though the most difficult part of success is finding someone who is happy for you.
This is it.
As I forget them,
I feel happier already.
I won't attend any reunions.
This will be a blank part of my history and I like it that way.
This is a new chapter of my life and it will be the best one ever.

when i saw you the first time
you took my breath away
eyes that shone full of life and hope and warmth
and you smiled and said hi
and i
crumbled
because your smile made my heart race and calmed me at the same time
and
i smiled back and then i knew that i could never have you
i knew you would never want me back and I tried to stop falling
but
i tripped over the smooth and velvety sound of your laughter and
fell
head first into 'like'
and I knew that you were too popular too smart and too good looking
but
we had to much in common and i had hope because you talked to me too and sometimes i'd catch you staring at me and we'd make eye contact and smile and i'd be breathless again and i hoped and i hoped and i hoped and then we talked and you said
that you wanted to date a nice girl from your religion
and
i fell apart
i knew we'd never be together but
i'd never thought it would be because of a man made construct such as religion and
my heart shattered into a million pieces
because there is nothing i can do to get you back
the bright-eyed boy who radiated hope rendered me hopeless
and i still loved it

Such suffering,
The debt we pay to human guile.
Oh lord, have mercy on our tortured souls as our energy is drained and we feel as though we cannot speak. Tears blur our vision. Our mind goes blank. We are nothing for we are mere mortals. All these numbers and letters mean nothing as I crumble to the ground under the pressure,lost girl, no salvation. Oh lord, have mercy for I am the common sinner. Oh lord have mercy.

I feel much better today.
Today,
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel alone.
I don't feel the emptiness in my soul.
Today I feel fixed.
It can't be!
Can it?
What does it feel like to be fixed?
Then this question popped into my head.
Do I want to be fixed?
Of course I do!
It's a ridiculous question.
I try repeating that over and over in my head but,
I don't manage to convince myself.

I've lost it.
I'm tired of being the imperfect daughter.
I'm tired.
I'm sorry I can't be her.
I hate that I'm not smart like her.
That I'm not perfect like her.
But I hate that I don't have your more.
You have driven me to this point.
With all your insults.

All I wanted was a friendship like the one we had.
Not a day goes by without me wondering why
we fell out.
Why couldn't our friendship last?
Now, I live life in a lonely corner and I see you,
laughing,
smiling,
joking.
Doing everything you used to do with me,
with you new "friends"

I sat there and I wondered why I was not motivated,
Why I failed my tests,
why I was not doing as well as I hoped to be doing.
And then I realized,
all I was doing was sitting at a table and asking why and dreaming of going to the top schools in the nations and dreaming of getting straight As and dreaming of proved them all wrong and dreaming
Dreaming was all that I was doing.
What's the use of dreaming if you don't act upon your dreams?
You'll keep dreaming and life will go on without you.
You'll keep questioning and complaining about the education system but you won't realize that you don't do anything.
And then you wake up and it's April and you panic. Where did the past 3 months  go and you realize that you spent three months wasted in Dreamland, living a pretend life with your pretend As.
It was then I had an epiphany of sorts, in the mostly unlikely place,
a dingy car while half asleep joining the mad dash to school.
It was then I realized that I could change my future, and I could just do it.
I mean, I knew this fact all  along but I never fully understood it.
But in my groggy state and gloomy setting, I understood what it meant and I realized how easy it was to pick up my pen and choose to write that essay. I did not have to succumb to the voice within that told me to relax or watch videos.
I had a choice, I had a way.
How remarkable is that?

Glad
Exhilarated
Exuberant
Overjoyed
Ecstatic
I won't have to face my fake class anymore.
*Ever

Plastic.
Fake.
Liar.
Cause of my tears.
You broke me.

I blew up,
once.
I cried my eyes out for no reason.
It felt good.
I felt that the tears dissolved away my problem.
I felt happy.
I blew up once
That's no reason to treat me like a grenade.
Like I might burst any second.
I'm stronger than you think I am.
I'm stronger than I think I am.

I stared out at the sea.
Gazing at the choppy water.
Looking at where heaven appeared to meet the earth,
where it looked like the world was never-ending.
Only a few ships dotting the horizon could be seen.
Hues of oranges, pink and blue filled the sky as the sun sank below the horizon,
appearing to sink into the ocean.
In that beautiful sky,
I could only see one face.
Your's
Oh, what have you done to me.
This unexplainable feeling of exhilaration.
The feeling of butterflies in my tummy.
Senses in me , that I never knew existed, roused.
Even your presence leaves me breathless.
A single word can make my knees weak.
I lean back into the sand with a content giggle.
Thinking of you makes me happy too.
You're a drug.
And, boy, am I addicted.

I'm the girl who remembers almost everyone's birthday but no one remembers mine. I'm the girl who give everyone stuff but n one give me stuff. I'm the girl who comforts everyone but no one comforts me. I'm the girl eho gives my all but no on cares. It's like they expect it of me because I'm so easy to step all over.

It's always my fault,
isn't it?
She just sits on her laptop the whole day and I help out with the chores and,
it's my fault.
It's my fault for making an attempt to be less rude to you while she screams in your face.
It's my fault for studying harder than her so I top the class while she barely passes.
It's my fault.
It always is.
I don't even know why I wrote this.
I can't change anything by writing poems and that,
will be my fault as well.
*It always is

how do you explain the hollowness you feel within?
how do you tell people that you feel empty, like someone scooped everything out of your soul
how do you fake a smile and talk real loud so that you drown out the demons within
whispering, taunting, urging oh go on, it's only too easy to...
how do you say you're fine while hoping, praying someone will look into your eyes and say 'No, you're not.'
how do you cry yourself to sleep every night and go to school with a pre-planned smile, yes I'm fine just really tired, math tutorials make me want to **** myself
and they smile knowingly because they understand
but if only they knew just how true that statement is.
if only they knew how you stared out of the window, knowing that there is nothing that could possibly hold you back from leaping over the edge and soaring, spiraling down to your reprieve from this hell, this flesh prison to which you are bound.
if only they knew how many times you held that bottle of pills in your hand, knowing that if you counted out 27 pills and downed them all at once, your oh so tired heart would slowly slow down and eventually stop, sending you into a peaceful slumber .

if only they knew that some people were born to die,
and that's okay.

It was a few days ago,
while I was still on holiday with my family in Bali.
We went for a buggy ride and I was with my mum.
It was a particularly wet day and the buggy skidded.
We nearly crashed into a large rock wall but we managed to stop in time.
Maybe we would not have died,
maybe we would have.
But,
the panic I felt in that spilt second,
the panic I felt when I thought I might die.
The fear was real.
I realized that I did not want to die.
Not that way.
I wanted to grow old and leave my mark on this world I did not want to die.
I wasn't suicidal anymore.

i have gotten so good at pretending that everything is okay that it is second nature to me now. with a straight face I will tell you that I'm fine and with a relieved smile you'll say great and we'll go our separate ways and at night i will cry everything away and i night my demons come out to play my mind is their playground and oh my how much fun they have they plunder and pillage all the happiness I once had

I see you wave and smile at me
And
my heart skips a beat
And
I think to myself
*Well ****

Before the exams started,
all I wanted to do was play.
Now,
after the exams,
all I want to do is study.
The guilt of not studying harder
gnaws at my stomach.
I try to ignore it,
I can't.
Why am I regretting now,
when I could have studied earlier.

You can argue that hatred is the absence of love.
Or that love is the absence of hatred.
One thing you can't argue about is that either one can exist without the other.
On the basis of love,
there must be hatred.
On the basis of hatred,
there must have been love.
One can simply say that,
love is hatred and hatred is love for,
both end up hurting you.

Hey uhm so therr's this guy who I knew in primary school (sort of like middle school for those of you who live in the US). Now I'm in secondary school (high school) and I follow him to instagram and Twitter and stuff and recently he's been talking about need someone to talk to about life and I really want to help him but I haven't talked to him or interacted with him in YEARS. So, I don't exactly know how to approach this. Sorry if you felt that this was a waste of time. I couldn't ask my friends or family because I know they wouldn't understand and they would jump to the comclusion that I want to get into a reltionship with him when I just want to reach out as a friend. So erm please advise( if you can) and Thanks!!! :))

One of my deepest worries is if anyone will ever love me.
If anyone will ever want to date or marry me?
I can't imagine anyone ever worrying if I will go out with them or,
if I will marry them.
I can't imagine anyone wanting to get to know me better.
I can't imagine anyone having a crush on me.
I can't imagine anyone looking at me and thinking,
"****, that girl is beautiful"
I can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I can't imagine these things because they will never happen.

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?

I came broken, cracked and empty.
Beaten down by life
I came weary
I came exhausted and I came resigned.
You came content,
You came with a smile,golden soul spilling over the edges of the vessel that is your body,
You came with laughter and you came with positivity
and you came to me.
and you patched me up and you held me in your arms and you gave me some of your soul and I am complete and I am content and I am
broken
you came and then you left
you couldn't commit a soul like yours needs to travel
and i nodded numbly tears washing me hollow again
and you never turned back you never came back
you left me alone you never cared you left me
you left

Today,
miracle of sorts happened.
I woke up in the morning with a fake smile plastered on my face.
I expected it to stay there.
As my parents talked to me,
I was able to maintain that fake cheery tone I had perfected.
Then,
I switched on my phone and I saw that Facebook message from you.
It made my stomach churn in a good way,
and,
then I smiled.
I smiled genuinely.
I had forgotten how a genuine smile felt like but you helped me to remember.
*Thank You

i feel like i'm slipping
melting into the ground
blood and flesh combining with metal concrete plaster
swirling together
stronger better
i want to stand in the wind and watch myself blow away
molecule by molecule
like a dandelion
i'll go to the ocean and sit in the waves
and get washed away
the salt purifies me and i am clean again
stepping into the fire
i watch my flesh fall off my bones
i am finally authentic
maybe i'll just sit in a corner and
watch myself disappear
like the cheshire cat
just like this work
someday i'll embrace my insignificance
and learn to die

I bet you never expected that your parents would be the ones to break you.

Sometimes I feel invisible.
I'm screaming and shouting.
Waving my arms frantically.
No sound.
No one hears.
No one cares.
Grabbing limbs,
Tugging at shirts.
I'm doing everything to be noticed.
Not a person turns.
Tears course down my cheeks,
My throat is sore.
My cheeks, red.
My bair is  in knots and my palms are sweaty.
I'm exhausted, I'm a mess.
I'm about to give up on this life and,
No one cares.

Each time I step out of my house,
I feel the societal pressures on my shoulders.
Every time someone looks at me,
I wonder,
Am I too fat?
Is there something wrong with my shirt?
Is there something wrong with me?
I feel judged.
I hate feeling judged.
I've given up.
I don't want to conform to society's unrealistic standards.
Why must I shave my legs?
Why must I wear make-up?
If a guy ever says,
" Hey ------ , you're a really nice girl but we can't be together because you don't shave your legs"
Then that guy isn't worth my time.
I will never change to who society thinks I should be

Hey:) Are you okay?

Persuade me.
Tell me not to go.
Give me a reason to live.
please
Give me a sign,
anything.
Show me that you care.
Tell me I'm worth it.
I'm withering.
I just don't know anymore.

I'm fine. It's nothing :D

You know those days when you sit down and you think about things. You just think. And then you see a post about how someone ket their best friend and you smile because it's so sweet and then you pause to think about how you met your best friend and you realise that youhave no best friend. Yeah, you do have people whom you talk to everyday and whom you smile at but no one you think is your best friend. No one you text everyday or whom you go out with everyday and you realise that during lunch daily, you are always alone.


Alone.

Love is like an airplane ride.
It'll take you so high,
you could touch the sky.

However,
love can break your heart.
Into two different parts.

Love can be good.
Love can be bad.
Love can make you happy or sad.

Love is fragile.
For (almost) everything that falls,
breaks.

Maybe I can fix myself.
Maybe there really is light in this dark tunnel.
Maybe one day I can feel loved again.
Maybe one day I can be loved.
Maybe one day I'll stop feeling worthless.
Maybe one day I'll feel comfortable in my own skin.
Maybe one day I'll fix myself.
Maybe
Just Maybe.

Beep Beep.*
Another message.
What will it be this time?
A threat?
Malicious gossip?
I didn't know.
I had enough.
I told on you.
I guess I told on me too.
Now there aren't any more messages.
The silence,
it's deafening.

Do you ever feel like screaming,
but the words don't come out.
I feel like that right now.
I feel like shouting,
like telling the world I'm not okay.
I'm far from okay.
I feel the words clogging my throat,
a burning gobule of emotions bursting with negativity.
I want to scream till I can't anymore.
I want to cry till there aren't anymore tears.
I want to punch the wall till my knuckles are
bruised, ****** and broken
*Just like my heart

I see the text you sent me regarding the holiday homework we received.
That's all you ever wanted from me.
Academics.
Just because , and I'll admit,
I score well in tests,
does not mean that I want to help you.
That was why you used me.
You used me and threw me away.
Not before stabbing me in the back.
I trusted you,
I did.
You know what?
I hate you.
I don't hate anyone.
You bring out the worst in me.
***** you.
***** you
I'm done.
I'm done trying to make things right,
I'm done trying.
I'm done.

It was then I realised:
Whenever I died a little inside,
you were born again.

music is the way i escape
when the voices are raised and i can't think
and i drown it all out with the music on at full volume
concentrate on the lyrics,
you don't the hear the dysfunction around you.
oblivion by shutting all noise out
pretending it doesn't exist,
shoving it to the back of my mind,
if i can't hear it, it's not real.
let the carefully crafted and polished words of catchy pop songs drown out the raw dripping words being screamed at each other.
music is the way i deal with life

It's the same **** thing everyday. **** this life. I can't stand living anymore. I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. Maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe this is the last you hear of me. Not like anyone cares about a fatso loner loser nerd **** like me.

I feel this burning hate for you rush through my body.
I hate you! How dare you throw my book on the floor.
Then I pause,
aghast.
Do I really hate you just because you threw my book on the floor?
Or has this been pent up since the day I started to speak out?

You think I was acting depressed?
You think I was looking for attention?
Who the **** do you think you are to make such assumptions?
You say you know if a person is depressed or not.
Who the hell are you,
a shrink?
Well, I don't ******* think so.
***** you and your ******* assumptions because I'm done.
You don't exist to me anymore.

A question that lingers on my mind is,
What is death?
Can it be considered a salvation?
Escape from this earth?
Or is it a curse,
bringing us to a worse place?
Is there even heaven and hell?
Where did we come from.
If your answer is evolution or, any other theory,
where do we go after we die?
Do we hang around in the timeless boundaries of nothingness?
Or is there something else waiting for us.
I guess I'll find out when I die,
but, by then,
It'll be too late.

Bones for fingers,
paper for skin.
Bitterness of my struggle lingers,
I just want to be thin.

*Is that such a sin?

Maybe I should just **** myself. Maybe thag will make you ******* happy. It is always my ******* fault. My ******* flaws. I cannot take anymore. You say I was the worst mistake you ever made. You repeatedly tell me I'm useless, fat ugly and that I should die. You don't think twice before saying such hurtful words. If the one person who is supposed to love me no matter what calls me such things, maybe I really should just **** myself because life is not worth living. **** her. **** this **** because I am done b

She played music to her wrist every night.
Blade to wrist, blade to wrist.
A musical of sorrow,
of tears.
Pushed past breaking point,
no where to go.
She feels like she is suffocating,
dying on the inside.
So, she cuts.
She cuts to breathe.
To get away from her overbearing parents.
To get away from the homework.
She cuts.
Every time she cuts,
it's like she's cutting me too.
I love her so much, she's like my sister.
Knowing that I can't do anything to help her **** me.
If you die, I'll die with you.
Maybe just not in the same way you die.
I'll die on the inside.
That's the worst kind of death.
But,
I've lost so much.
I don't want to lose you too.

I'm broken.
You hurt me.
You betrayed me.
I'll never be the same again.
Why?
I trusted you.
You twisted me.
You broke me.
I'll never trust anyone anymore.

The girl in the mirror looks lost.
She looks alone.
I see her in the mirror all the time.
What she does inhe mirror, no one knows.
She looks tired,
weary of life.
She looks so fragile.
She looks like a mess.
She gives me nightmares sometimes.
I can't forget her sunken eyes,
and the way every breath looked like it took all her energy.
She looked lonely.
Who is this girl?
Then, it hit me.
*what have I become?

Today was the first time that I cut four tiny parallel lines on my wrist. I didn't use a blade or a razor. I used the sharp end of a compass. I don't know why I did it. But it felt good. All I know was that the pain inside was too much to bear and I needed to breathe. My demons were suffocating me. After that I ran to the kitchen and took an icecube and rubbed it along those four lines. I hadn't drawn much blood but the lines were there. Now, five minutes later, I can still feel the sting; a dull, numb pain.