I act
So I can release my pain
Without anyone knowing its mine

Today I was walking along with you
We were hand in hand
Im so sorry
Oh god, I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for what I might do to you
I'm sorry I can feel your love me and I can continue to hate myself.
I'm sorry I can not see what you see in me.
I'm sorry I hate myself with the passion I should be loving you with
I'm sorry I can never love myself the way you love me.
I'm sorry I can not feel happiness along with you
I'm sorry you see me as whole and yet I feel so empty inside. About to crumble
I'm sorry I begin to cry silently in your arms, so you'll never know
I'm sorry I feel guilty when I look in your eyes. knowing I might hurt you
Im sorry I'm not actually what you see. I Push you away so that you don't see how broken I am
Deepest, I'm sorry I will leave you with a tsunami of pain
I'm trying
Oh god, I'm trying
To ebb that pain once I'm gone.
But now, all I can think is
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
As I form a fake smile
Walking along with you
Hand in hand
But I know, these days are numbered

I can still feel it
A flicker inside me
A burning beacon of hope
That I can return to who I was
I can stand up to who I am
But I know I can't
I've tried
Looking at my wrists I see the final blow
That I really can't go
To live the life I lived
I'm letting myself go
Down this far path
And yet I can't willingly stop myself
From hurdling down the path

hate you.
For everything.
The list goes on and on.
Your insecurities
Your stupidity
You're unattractive
Your failures
You're fat
You can't stand up for yourself
You don't eat
And you shouldn't
Everyone hates you
And you know it
You're a doormat for others
Bending over backwards at their beck and call.
You won't amount to anything
You're always wrong
You try too hard
You act like everything is a contest. Yet you consistently loose.
You wont achieve your dreams
Your best is never going to be good enough
You're always plan B or C
You've never been part of the in-crowd
But you just want to be part of any crowd.
You walk alone in the halls
You stare at a blank phone at lunch. Trying not to be awkward.
The last party you were invited to was the third grade.
You can't do anything for yourself
The worst is you hate yourself which makes me hate you.

They say go **** yourself
Or I want to **** you
So why dont you?
You wont be missed.
Sure some will cry
But no worries, you'll soon be forgotten.
No more than a drop of water
Floating among the ocean

I accidentally let it happen
I didn't mean to I swear
All I can is say sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
And yet the actions I took were pre meditated
And I don't know who I'm saying sorry to
Myself?
But didn't I do it to myself?
But didn't I mean for it to happen
And yet now it has and I feel worse than before
I never meant to hurt myself like that
And yet I love the pain, the pressure
I'm already thinking about doing it again
Yet I want it to stop.
Does anyone else feel this way
Is it just me?
So confused
Going this way and that
Thinking I know where I want to go
And then I go the wrong way
I want up, I go down
I want the light, I feel for the dark
I can't let it get inside me, I welcome it in as an old friend
I reach to others for help, I slap there hand away once they try
I want the darkness to fade away, but I want to fade away.
I don't know what I want. To stay, or leave.
But will I ever get the nerve to actually leave? Or is this just me being foolish.
I dont know. A haze is on my mind.
I have darker things on my mind. They scare me.
How did I get like this? How did this happen? I dont want to hurt anyone but I know I will. I dont want anyone to hate me but they do.

I am a Dull gray
Drifting amongst
a sea
of vivid primaries
Always plan d or e

I yearn to be
accepted
Like My opinion
matters
When I have a
revelation
to have a partner to
confirm it

When you have
Not a person
To freely converse with
Life seems mundane
Just standing in vain
With a load of pain
The yearning coursing through you  veins

Yet it seems
Out of reach
To again live
The life I once thrived in

I walk through the hallway
every day
No way to erase the problems
Of yesterday

Have I gone to far?
I keep thinking about it
A tickle in the back of my mind
I constant nagging I can't shake
I want to be happy
Peaceful
But nothing seems to work
The less I eat the fatter I feel
The harder I exercise the more I pick on myself
The better grades I get the less I feel I've accomplished
I dont know how to get back where I was
To undo the wrong turn
But I dont know how to do that.
The harder I try to climb from this hole full of darkness the deeper I slip back down