The ground beneath me trembled,
The lights were dimming,
A dark hole below my desk
And only my desk
I had become a target
I should have never volunteered

I should have never volunteered to read in a language that was not mine
I needed the grade
How dare I have an accent
How dare my eight year old self, not know better
How dare me.

All around me, I see endless fear.
Fear of heights, sure, fear of scuttling things
Fear of darkness, fear of bites
Fear of brightness, fear of fights.
This is the fear we can display
Because it’s little, simple, understandable.
But the fear I really fear
That we all let consume us
Is deeper,
Darker,
Cold.
It’s the fear of friendship, fear of love,
Fear of what’s ahead of us
But even more of what’s behind us
Fear to see what’s really beyond
The faces we all fake.
Fear of the unknowable
Fear of what we know
Fear of speaking out or up or for
Fear of conforming to something more
Fear to test the limits
Fear to taste the truth
Fear of what’s uncomfortable
Rather than the deception of comfort
Fear of what to do
Fear of striving for perfection
When perfection’s so unattainable.
Fear of to leave what has been known
Fear of what has been done
Fear to see past fabrication,
Fear to show the truth.
I’m talking fear of emotion
Or fear of not feeling enough
Fear of silence, but worse,
The fear of candid words.
Fear to look someone in the eye
And say, “I know you,
And I care for you.”
Fear to let someone see the darkness that comes with your light
Fear of rebelling though it’s time someone did
Fear of doing what you want and know
Because of what someone told you you should
Fear of being who you are
Because every day everyone is telling you
What to do and who to be
And what is acceptable
And what is not.
I’m talking fear of having an opinion
Because someone will shoot it down
Fear of defense or service or selflessness
Because someone won’t approve.
Fear to accept because of fear of acceptance
Fear to truly love someone
Because it’s risky,
And you never know
What someone else really feels.
I cry for the fear of
Every person who can’t be
Who they are and who can’t
Let people see them in their entirety
Because after all everyone urges
And persuades and demands and values
And idolizes and expects,
You don’t even know yourself,
Because you've been too busy
With trying to be so many different
“Someone Else"s.

I ache for this relentless fear.
I mourn the stagnancy of the condition
Of the human soul who is so afraid
To let go of fear
And BE somebody,
To do something or say something, or simply believe,
That the only thing they truly trust
Is the familiarity
Of fear itself.
That’s why fear is frightening
That’s why we should be afraid of fear
Because it stops us, cages us,
Bars us behind the façade we display
And muffles the words of our heart.

I see these things and wonder
Why can’t they change?
Why can’t this need to fear be erased
From the human condition?
And I realize it’s because everyone
Is afraid.

And I’m so afraid too.

As the sun begins to retire for the day, we sit here in my black, 1965 Lincoln Continental convertible, gazing upon the glowing city skyline that is illuminated in orange and red, a perfect complement to the burning house at the bottom of the cliff.  

This shared moment couldn’t be any more perfect.

I look over at her.  

How did I get so lucky?

With her I don’t have to talk. I can simply enjoy her company, me eating a vanilla cone as she inhales a burger and fries.  

Food gone, she looks longingly at me, so I extend my right arm to share my ice cream.

She is so adorable. Her inherent beauty is magnified by her quirky imperfections, especially that slight under bite and scarred face, some scars more pink and fresh than others.  

The sun finally disappears, and we are cloaked by the black, star-filled sky.  I continue to marvel at the smoldering house, taking it in, processing it, and developing it as if I am a photographer in a dark room.  

Reaching for the ignition, I pause.  I lean back in my seat and close my eyes for a very brief moment.  All I see is the pathetic expression on his face, his struggle.  And those ***** cuss words he spat at me – if only I had had soap, but I didn’t.  I lean over to Casey and take off her collar, throwing the encasement of her old life out of the car and into the endless mystery that lies beneath us.

The blisters on my left forearm begin to sting and throb, the heat disrupting the stillness of this reality.  

I need a bag of ice and a bottle of whiskey.  

I can’t wait until we are settled into my apartment, enjoying that cheap air conditioning as we cuddle and watch re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show.

Make my life a hollow reed
That will bend now in stormy breeze
For in numbers I find my strength
Beneath the willow tree

Make my life like the rock
Piled high upon , top to top
A stonewall that runs for miles
Around my lands it stands

Make my life short and sweet
Give me peace not dire defeat
Give me love and woman's sigh
Amidst the clovered fields

Make my life a Godly song
One that knows right from wrong
With wisdon as old as stars
I'll dance inside the fire

Make my life to unfold
I am tired , my shoes have holes
My dreams are seeds cast to the wind
And just the husk remains

Make my life now come to end
It's my time to propend
I'll walk among the ghost's remains
And willingly I quote

Hollow reeds will bend not break
Holow reeds will not forsake
Of hollow reeds my death bed make
And lie amongst the stars

You don't need to sneeze rubies and diamonds
You don't need to cough out pearls
Nor have the golden touch of King Midas
To be able to spin my world

No need to vacation in China
To let a few tigers loose
Or fly in on a magic bus
For me to notice you

You don't need to be the president
Or some international spy
On me all your money need not be spent
For me to want you in my life

You don't have to hold onto your breath
And turn the deepest shade of blue
Or at my dumb jokes laugh and laugh
For me to want to love you

For the common cold you don't need to find the cure
Or the perfect mouse trap
You don't need to bring peace to this world
For me to need to hold your hand

All you need to be is yourself
And to that self hold true
Because all I need above all else
Is to be madly in love with you

No matter the pain
Nor where you've been
No matter the depth
You're swimming in sin

No matter how far
You've drifted away
Wherever you are
You still can be saved

No matter your past
No matter the present
No matter the time
That you are left with

No matter the chains
That weigh you down
Jesus makes the way clear
The lost can be found

No matter your deeds
No matter disasters
No matter all that
Cause what really matters

Is what you now do
With what you now have
A God before you
That holds out His hand

And says no matter the pain
Nor where you've been
No matter the depth
You're swimming in sin

No matter how far
You've drifted away
Wherever you are
You still can be saved

Quite a child
she makes me one
mind windward wild
flies gazelle run!*

On the shore
she’s something more
than picking pearl

opens door
once more
she’s a little girl!

She picks seashells
of sea she smells
she looks alien

free she sails
in her spell
i’m child again!

On the sea
wild carefree
she paints me joy

make hills on sands
small grow my hands
i’m again a boy!