I thought about it
And then all at once if consumed me
My mind was filled with thoughts
Wondering what the texture of your lips were

And when it came, so sudden and sweet
It was different that I had expected
But not bitter in the slightest

I didn't expect the cravings
To always hunger for just one more
Your lips, ever present in my mind
And oh how much I long
For just one more kiss, one last time

But now the leaves have fallen
And all I have are memories
I would kiss you again
A thousand times, until I die
But I cannot
For your lips belong to another
As sweet as they are
And as sweet as they seem

So I long now
And teach myself to long to more
For or first kiss was a blessing
And the last a curse
Our first a song
The last a missing verse

Some darks
Are to deep
For even
The brightest of lights

Most days I survive
But it would be unkind
And sort of rude
If I did not take a day
Or a night here and there
Just to grieve
For the heart
Ripped from my chest
And the soul
****** from betweeen my toes
They were mine
And they were stolen
A blessing in a way
But still my nerves
Are frayed and split
And send messages to a brain
Overloaded with drugs
And fill with pain
So tonight a grieve
One candle lit
And one sleeve barred
Goodnight I say
Goodnight you sleep
But you will rest
While my skin weeps

The stars rose into the sky
And as they died
They fell to the earth
The sand embraced them
Coveting the warmth of the fire
Like kisses of passion
That beat like drums
Into the night sky
They race to the heavens
And the in showers of waves
Like the hair of a goddess
They fall to the earth
And the kisses of smoke
Filling the lungs of the moon
Out of the sky
Into the water
Petals of guns
Roses of the midnight hour
Burning into the souls
Of the mortals below
Who worship the night
And all it contains
Boom. Like a heartbeat.
Rainbows in my veins
They scream through the night
Out of the lungs of the gods
Over the earth
And all it contains
Until they die
Wrapped in the earth
Like a blanket of death

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

My body betrays my mind
And my mouth betrays them both

I wish that I could live in my own house
Where my brother's and sisters live
Where my birth giver and male parental unit call home

A few things stand in my way
The emotional disconnection gives a slight separation
The abusive love and controlling tongues play a part
The creepy old man who touches me in ways no one should

That.

Definitely is a big part.
I mean when you got your Father card did you skim over the fine print where is says protection? Did you forget your glasses so you couldn't see that it said, "must go to a loving home"?
I mean these are all technicalities.

But me?
I'm not. I'm your daughter.
It sounds weird the way it rolls off of my tongue. The metallic after taste, like I've just been slapped. Daughter. Something doesn't seem right.

I mean why have a home where you feel loved, supported and valued. When you can live in a place that devalues all that you are, for all that you stand against.

You tried to make it about yourself
Saying that I was attacking you
But I didn't even call you names
How could you be so selfish

You tried to make it about me
Saying that I was throwing a hissy fit
But I didn't even victimise myself
How could you be so blind

You tried to make me feel crazy
Saying that it was all in my head
But the proof was in the paper
How could you be such a fool

It was about their safety
Big no matter what I said
You invalidated every word
My entire childhood a lie

Sisters, I could not love them more
My trust in you, could not be so lacking
My heart, broken with your response

It's not about me
And it's not about him
It's not about them
And it's not about you

It's about saying the right thing
And doing the right thing
No matter who you are
No matter what you face

But still you chose
To punish the victim
Not the assailant
******* **** culture