I get it
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
I get it
that is not so
I
I am not inadequate
you
you do not love me
you
you want to possess me
your pride speaks
your cowardice
holds me to you
your selfishness
hidden by  layers
of mellifluous sensitivity
hits me
you
you want to hurt me
you do not even notice
what you say
you do not see
the bleeding gashes
you  keep leaving
on my skin
you do not feel
swollen and distorted scars
on my mind
on my heart
pains
you've inflicted to me
with your silences
with your absences
with your looks
with your words
empty and useless
and false
drawn with black ink
as the planned route
on a cold map
you see my pain
you see my insecurities
you see my guilt
and you walk to your way
heedless
you do not care
it’s been all about you
fake victim of the world
hidden
by a mask of dignity
papier-mâché made
glued with slime
script writing
for an ignorant audience
vacant and bigots faces
you speak
you do
you look
lies!
they’re all lies
black like  pitch
you pretend
you mislead
you are sneaky
with me
against me
I believed
I thought
I suffered
for you
for us
for me
for my inability
to love you
again and again
but I
I loved you
I fought
I gave
I kept quiet
I waited
gestures and words
that never arrived
I was
I was there
you could just have
to see me next to you
you've grown
our most beautiful rose
now
it is buried among the thorns
dry and withered
its scent
is consumed
in waiting wind
a persistent
moldy smell
into our  nostrils
I was alone
the only color
in a gray landscape
holding a watering can
without water
the fire has gone
no embers under the ashes
I get it
I am not bad
I am not inadequate
I am not inept
I'm not nonentity
I am
I must
I exist

i broke today.
i watched my bones shatter on the ground
and fall into a million pieces onto the floor.
as i stared at my breaking body,
i came to a realization.

the pieces that were one so beautifully sculpted
were deformed and
unfamiliar.
a distorted picture of who i once was.

i cried for the person who resonated
darkness in me,
staring
standing
still.

i will conquer and fix myself
someday
but for now
im okay with not being okay

Doesn't reside in
Swollen hearts
Not one singular
Chamber free
Busy with its own
agenda.

The stomach
It'll find no home
Empty rooms
No space for feelings
With the Drink
drowning Butterflies

Love is a
choice behind the eyes
With
Conscious thought
Deep contemplation
Uncovered
Found
Buried in white.

Days like today bring me to reminisce,
of the life we shared, now an abyss.

Recent life has been testing,
this lonely Mother’s Day solidifies your resting.
Today it feels more like you were never here,
what type of life is it that I’m now investing?

Posed with the question of happiness.
what is this meaning without you?
living today admonishes the truth,
only former memories allow me your bliss.

Mixed feelings of love and hatred,
circumvent in this current conquest.
As I contemplate reaching out I'm reminded,
that your remains are all that is left.

Be at peace with the truth,
is the message you conveyed well.
I question God about this new reality,
a life filled with constant duality.

Your loss is permanent,
& recognizing this is pertinent.
This daily battle without you,
I cope because your gift of a DNA armament.

“Time brings perspective”,
were the words that escaped from your soul.
You are still my everything,
and today I escape into your memory.

I wish upon a star,
To see you again.
Hoping that when I do,
You will smile and give me a hug.
And all I want for my birthday,
Is you to show up.
Wishes are love

I lie awake at night,
Wishing that you were here.
Not able to sleep,
Without you by my side.
Wishes are love

I daydream about you every day,
Wishing you was with me.
And when I’m with you,
I wish to stay with you.
And wishes are love

She left her cave,
heart full of bones,
and unzipped. Her dress fell
to the ground. She stood, exposed,
layers unravelling in the sunlight.
Toes curled into fresh soil,
the smell of rain. Her body exploded
with bright, vivid colour.
******* bared to the whispering wind,
a bead of sweat found itself trickling
down the centre of her back.
Her arms stretched upwards as she
rejoiced the morning air,
laughing to the sky.
She stood firm.
Birds came home then left again.
Days changed to night then back again.
Winter came.
When the ice began to thaw, it started
at her feet.
She willed it to.
You can hear her peace
in the thrum of the ocean.
Her skin became the enticing
reeds, swaying to the beat
of the wind's drum.
You can feel her sorrow
in the cries of lonely wolves.
Her limbs became the stretched shape
of trees, making the horizon jagged
and green.
You can sense her anger
in the crack of lightning.
Her body became the earth, each
person born as one of her children.
You can see her, even now,
glowing with the sun and singing
to you in the morning air,
standing firm.