When she was younger she wanted to grow up and be happy.
Now that the years have granted her another birthday.
Is she happy?

She would tell you that happiness is a fluctuating feeling.
And that she stopped looking for it.

She used to plant seeds where seeds did not grow.
Recently she started to plant seeds in herself, even though the weather is uncertain
And the wind is strong
And the soil is still healing.

Something has grown...

Now that she's turning 21
All she's looking forward to, is seeing her garden be filled with flowers.
She's grateful to be able to experience all of it.

That's all she has to say.

You were always loving me "despite"
I needed you to love me "because"

I feel you
across the expanse
of the city sleeping
all fallen quiet
big city hum
undercurrent of
industrial buzz
now silent
in lockdown

you
live way way way
away
across town
still
I sense you
in my dreams
crushing in
running me down
still looking for the win
my sleep
your hunting ground
you steep & creep
my affection
no longer yours
so keep
off my astral plane
baby

it's too late
I shut that gate
my heart is
a barren landscape
for you
bears no oasis
there'll be no succour
no comfort
no tenderness
here for you
the cost
of doing it
how you do
I understand
you believed
when you tricked me
into breaking 7 years
of silence
not hearing my voice
not seeing my face
nor smelling my scent
I understand
you believed
your charm
would win me again
but listen up
heed...
your need
is not my need

your voice just as it was
the first time
you whispered my name
tenderly fervent
against my breast
in love
but I remember
the pain
I remember it all
your spectacular fall
from loves grace
keeps a constant pace
with my broken heart beats
paper planes dissolving
in the ***** bath water
no blue sky horizons
or a return
to happy landings
sweet words of love
whispered against skin
this one
you'll have to take it
take it
on the chin
**** it in deep
a serenade to your chagrin
give it up ghost
no scenario here
in which you win


© J.C.