On cloudless moonlit nights
When the world is silver and darkest blue
And silence seems to reign supreme
If you stretch your hearing inwards
You will hear the distant moans
Of long lost lonely dreams
Homeless and obsolete
Fading away
To become endless shadows

                                           By Phil Roberts

I remember relapsing on the floor of my mothers basement.
I still remember what it was like to feel my conscious
leave my body and
float into a complete world of
darkness.
There were no pretty patterns or
surreal hallucinations.
The bright light that everyone
spoke of
was not there
and I wondered
if I was to blame for it
being gone.

And at the same time,

I remember what it was like to wake up.
To see my mother, father,
brothers, sisters
and friends
standing over me.
Crying helplessly wondering if I would
ever be the same again.

I remember what it was like to look into their eyes.

And I remember what it was like to push every single one of them away.

I remember what it was like to argue and walk out on
the same people that said they would
always be there.

I remember because it was the only time in my life that I
truly didn’t care.

But here I am today.

Trying to find the words to make you believe
that I am a better man.

Here I am,
pulling truths from parts of me
that I have not visited in years.

But being transparent does not
******* me like it used to.

It motivates me more than
ever before.

This shaky,
raspy,
unattractive voice of mine
is all I have.

And by any means,

I am going to use it.

There’s only a few other things
I was put here to do.

And if speaking
even when I’m not
spoken to
somehow
saves my life,

then so be it.

Because I remember
what it was like to
keep everything bottled up
and how it got me
absolutely nowhere.

I remember being stepped on
and squashed
as if I did not matter.

I remember what it was like to have
no faith in myself
because that was what everybody
taught me to believe in.

That it was wrong to step out of line
if it meant losing friends or
loved ones.

And I believed them because I didn’t know
anything different.

I didn’t have any independence.
I didn’t have anything to stand for.
I was just a little kid,
four-foot-something,
trying to make it through
another day.

And for every night I prayed
for tomorrow not to come
to a God that I do not believe in,

it always came.

And even though this embodiment
of doubt,
that is my existence,
has never been a breeze-

I can only hope that it has been
worth fighting for.

That every day and every night
I spent hungover or
strung out on the floor
did not go in vain.

And all I can do now is work hard
every single day.

All I can do now is give every ounce
of energy that I have to
making a difference
on people that are going through
what I’ve been through;

to give someone a voice that is
comfortable and
familiar.

and despite the cliché,
maybe even some hope.

Because I remember what it was like
to figure it out

all on my own.

I loved you and you turned me to stone -
Took my soft words of caring
And sharpened them into daggers.
Stabbed me right through,
Cut out my heart
And left me to bleed out on the floor -
Stole the hope I had left and gave it to her
Used my kindness for your own personal gain
And got angry when I had nothing left to give

I loved you and you turned into a monster -
Or maybe you always were
And I was just too blind to see it.
The anger when things didn’t go your way -
When I stopped walking on eggshells
And began to raise my voice

I loved you and you destroyed me -
Broke me to pieces I may never repair
Rid my world of all that was good
Made sure I’d never feel safe;
That no place would ever feel like home
Forever bound to roam
Reminiscing on my life
Before I truly knew how hate could ****

i'm not even
sure
i know
how to love;
not anymore

i think..
all that i had
you took
with you

and now..
now there's
nothing..
nothing but
a you
shaped hole

where there
was once
sunshine

The night is strangely quiet,
But not silent-
The air thick,
Heavy,
A looming fog rumbling in.
Only the faraway yelping
Of a wayward dog
And the dull buzz
Of a tired sodium light
Dare break the silence;
The latter casting stark,
Sepia shadows among the leaves,
Hiding more than it reveals.
Strange,
Isn't it?
How the light can obscure

I sit alone
Among star and shadow,
And some things that are
Both,
And some that are
Neither.
Tugging on a bottle of cheap whiskey,
Filling lung with smoke,
Fruitlessly seeking solace in the

Stillness,

To empty my mind
In the brief hush between
Cigarette,
And shot.
Drag,
Swallow.

He hasn't buried the baby within
but today he buried the ashes of his baby
crying like a baby
as the river devoured the bone dusts
and all the remnants
of the cuddles and kisses
hollowing him to remember
the guest of his blood
that would feed on his grief
for the rest of his life.