Inclinations were vetted to the linear
attributes of  my desires, for so long
I had never wavered in the ideology
of your unwavering intentions.

But then I awoke to visualize the knowing
that I had believed falsehoods of a yearning
heart, Never true to itself confused by the
complex wordings of what you meant.

I wandered through crowds of silence,
my heart never uttering a moment fatigued
by what was contemplated. and then I realized.
"Where had the love gone, and both were silent

blurry image, out of focus
closing in on hopeless notice
broken glow, prone to coldness
holding on to low the closest

lambent lacking, saddened blackness
lasting facts of tragic practice
shattered glass, facet blasted
passing granted hands the fastest

Have you ever counted hour by the seconds
feeling intensely hungry for life?

If for once the sun forgets to rise
this night fails to usher in dawn
what my memories tell me are lies
it's today only I was born.

If this day is filled to the brim
in a blissful child's innocence
yesterday is a bad dream
tomorrow makes no sense.

If only this night is a ceaseless flow
never short of word for a rhyme
on her axis the earth spins slow
and the morn is away longtime.

If only I'm allowed to choose
to relive the life whole night
a fantasy is the hangman's noose
calling me by first light.

Way out here in outer space
Searching every distance place
The Moon's so cold without your embrace

I'm still here in flight
Way out past the satellite
Hoping one day we may reunite

Rising quickly is my frustration
Knowing for me there is no salvation
As I see your face in every  constellation

I can't see the silver lining
Even with all the stars still shining
Because all I can do is keep on crying

Loves resurrection is over due
So I will keep on searching for you
Just leave me a **** bread trail, a clue

Because on earth you'll never be again
My heart will never be whole, never mend
The death of everything is the wages of our sin



©Pauline Russell

The tether of reality is my moment when
the book is looked upon in past tense views,
but where moments were etched in perpetual
granite a reflection of substantial etchings fades.

Images that were of conciseness now only
viewed in edited additions, those facades
of what I once knew, are seen as scratched
out faces of what was once there now threadbare.

I walked in the footsteps of my past, losing every
past one linking then to now. Footprints were
neither in front or behind, I was lost in blindness
of white washed memories now excluded from thought.

"You asked me a question today?

"Do you remember me Daddy,

I just looked at you in a distant fog, and remembered a face
once known and then it dissipated in to confusion and anxiety.

"Your daddy must be worried about you little one,

"He always worries about me,

As tears fell from her eyes I gave her a tissue and as she wiped
them away a sadness in her eyes as she said.

*"My daddy got lost but I hope to find him again one day,

Little bear* eyes OPEN
Little bear everything SEEN
Little bear held so TIGHT
Little bear keeping me SAFE
Little bear my only FRIEND
Little bear shares BRUISES
Little bear held up PROTECT
Little bear thrown ASIDE
Little bear  "HELP ME"
Little bear witnesses TEARS
Little bear sees EVERYTHING
Little bear now buried with ME
Little bear I wish you could have *helped me.

It is easy to feel distant
At 5:55am,
My head a little sickly
My eyes like holes in snow.
Lights still out.
No history is made
Nothing yet laid out
in cold stone.
It's okay to feel alone
When you're a million
miles from home.
Hurt is just a metaphor
For paths we didn't take,
Each and every thought you have
Are just Godless mistakes.
We're unloved and empty
It's a fact you fail to see,
We're just little boats
Floating on a mighty sea.

Splitter splatter, pitter patter,  rain dance my cares away
Pitter patter, splitter splatter, on this cold and lonely day

Doing your tap dancing on the crisp Fall leaves
In your rhythm all my worries are relieved

Slapping out the tune on the old evergreen
The most beautiful sound I have ever seen

Splitter splatter, beating on my windowpane
Trying to break my heavy mental chain

Pitter patter, rapidly tapping on the glass
Trying to warn me, of shadows yet to be cast

©Pauline Russell

Conceal
Don't feel

Plaster a smile on your face
Remember your place
Dance that same old dance
Happiness at first glance

Conceal
Don't feel

Happiness at first glance
Don't give them the chance
Keep them away from the fringes
Your coming off the hinges

Conceal
Don't feel

Your coming off the hinges
Blinded buy the vision
Of the misty gray
Of all your yeasterdays

Conceal
Don't feel

Of all your yesterdays
Only sorrow flowed your way
But remember your place
Plaster that smile on your face

I look back on years gone by
Trying to figure out the how and why
How we clung to each other trying to easy the pain
We clung to each other in the cold November rain
The rains have come around again this year
All alone,  I'm standing here
Head held down
As this freezing cold rain splatters on the ground
Making puddles at my feet
As I travel down this dead end street
The cold penetrates my bones
For your not here, I'm all alone
Your memories can't keep me warm
Only images of you in my mind are formed
They where desperate times for you and me
But looking back I can clearly see
We where never ment to be
I was only a life raft in your troubled sea
I wish I'd known then I was just your crutch
That I didn't mean that much
For now the only sound that resounds
In this frozen heart of mine, is this cold November rain falling down

Solitude I wear
      like a second skin
my biggest weakness
       my greatest strength
   wading through 
quiet and tired 
    in seclusion
 as dawn draws
    her arms around me 
cold       and damp
    like the sea
           with no oil
for my lamp
       to light my way
through another
      dark    and lonely
November day.