The chaos in my mind has been brewing
So quietly, so still.
It's driving me crazy; I would rather be ill.
I just want to feel, again and again.
I don't care if it hurts; I want the pain to seep in,
To every part of me so I know that I'm here,
So I can face that real reflection in the mirror.
I want to see those eyes shed at least one single tear;
I am so sick of that blank, empty stare.

Seeing past my pettiness,
I can realize true friendship.
Now that I am able to step back
From the burning itch to satisfy
All of my selfish desires,
I can approach you, selflessly,
Not as a hidden enemy.
I am so proud of what we have;
It is not the bond between lovers.
It is the common understanding between us,
The care and compassion,
With no need for physical compensation.
A beautiful, often underestimated kind of union.

I inch so close to opening up.
I want so badly to not close myself off.
Hinting at the truth but never fully revealing it.
Can't be too obvious, have to keep it mysterious.

I'm tired of this act; why do I do this to myself?
It would be so easy and freeing to reach out for help.
Why can't I just give in and trust someone else?
I'm too embarrassed to do it, to express my real self.

Two faces
Two different places
These facades she likes to wear
Can you bear
The truth, of which you are aware
Now that you have seen
Both faces.

Look at the mirror
See ugly
They take your picture
Feel ugly
A compliment that you're pretty
When you're
Ugly, ugly, ugly.

You know I'd never break your heart;
I love you too much.
Sometimes I can be difficult.
Sometimes I will make you feel
Like you need to be some kind of superhero.
But in reality, I appreciate you
For who you are, and that alone.

Underappreciated,
For overworking.
And yet look at what you expect!
A smile every day and a simple
'No problem, I can take care of it.'
And you answer the phone,
Take your several smoke breaks,
Try to impress the higher ups,
While looking down on all of us.

I am so quiet on the outside
So loud within
And maybe you can hear it,
If you really listen.

I want you to imagine
The floor being ****** up from under you
And the ceiling taking its place
And you're free floating in space
Because gravity doesn't exist here
And up is down
Silence is sound
As you spin 'round and 'round
Until you no longer remember
Who you are
Where you came from
Or who's in charge.

Life breathed into me
Its last breath
Leaving me empty and sullen
Unforgiving and cold
A murderous mind
Calculated moves
Dead, dark eyes.

If I just vanished
Into air
No one would blink
Or breathe a little less steady
Or even ask
Where I went.

Like a case of fine jewelry,
My vulnerability is on display.
It would be locked up tight though,
If I had my way.

Walls built so high
Walls scare me, I don't know why.
Maybe because I was told not to cry
And if I did, my feelings were denied.
I stuffed them down, and they learned to hide;
I suffocated them, and they slowly died.

The medicine's not working
As usual
And the effects are brutal
As my mind makes up the strangest stories
About you, about me,
About anything
That it can grasp,
So paranoid,
I can't relax.

Sometimes I forget what happiness is.
Is it a hug at the end of the day
Or paying the bills off right away?
Is it the feeling of rain when it's warm
Or a roof over my head while it storms?
Is it the arm around me while I sleep
Or the extra soft pillow upon which I weep?
Can it be both, or is it only one?
Is it practical or is it fun?
Can I afford to smile, even for a day?
What is happiness anyway?

It is not greed,
The thirst for riches.
It is not lust,
The hunger for skin.
It is not wrath,
The delight in spilled blood.
It is not sloth, jealousy, gluttony, or pride.
It is simply evil,
Devoid of complexity,
Absent and empty.
It is all-encompassing, surrounding you, surrounding me,
In a cloud of poison, toxicity.

I love what you do to me,
Sickeningly sweetening,
Viciously inviting,
Altogether frightening.

Whenever this happens,
I just white it out.
I keep opening up to you,
Despite all my doubt.
Looking back, I always come to regret it,
Wishing I didn't feel so weak and pathetic.
Erase, erase, erase
Anything that can save face
Anything that keeps me out of that dark, helpless place.

I can be just as likable as I am unlikable.
I can be just as charming as I am annoying.
I can be just as kind as I am cruel.
I am not consistent, not predictable.
But the one thing you can always count on
Is my stubborness,
My unwavering, steadfast spirit
That will never compromise
Despite my inconsistencies.

I'd like to write a poem
To explain
Why I don't trust you
But I can't because
There are no words
For the fear, and the terror,
That I felt
As a young girl,
With no help,
Abused and deceived,
Forever changed
By all of those things
That I could not control.

I do not write solely for expression.
I write to be known and heard.
I write to be felt and feared.
I pour truth out like water and ask you to take a sip.
There is no shame.

I am so out of luck.
Nightmares, burning up,
I'm drowning in this withdrawal.
I do not want to be someone else;
I do not want to need this help.
Pressure on my chest, bizarre thoughts.
It is a flood of pain,
When you have everything to lose
And nothing to gain.

I trust women;
I fear men.

I need women;
I want men.

I respect women;
I ridicule men.

I love her;
I lust after him.

This is the only way I have to fight back.
Words on a page.
A voice that resonates.
It's not much,
But it will have to do for now.

When you're depressed, it's hard to say 'yes.'
'Yes' to the start of a new day.
'Yes' to any opportunity that comes your way.
'Yes' to a friend in need.
'Yes' to doing a good deed.
Because 'no' is easy, 'no' is safe.
'No' allows you to stay in that cold, dark place.

You're not just mean; you're evil.
And yes, there is a big difference.
You don't scowl, you merely smile
While you do something rotten and vile.
You don't shout; you merely whisper
And somehow everyone seems to concur.

She has been molded carefully,
As she shuns all equality.
Her arrogant smirk,
That loud, interrupting voice
Seeping with sarcasm,
Cockiness.
She looks at the world
Through superior lenses.
You are her next victim,
Then it's on to another contender.