Is it funny that i miss my demons?

Music is my oxygen.
As I am stepping into the sunlight my
Body immersed in the deep, clear symphonies.
Drum beats steady; the breaths that I take
Piano keys dance: the blood of my veins
Immersed, this song is a part of me
Sometimes I forget this, as I dip below sea
Heart beats faster, mind struggling to hold on
Then, rushing to the surface, I realize
I can breathe again.

Your words left me shattered
And i bled out alone

Such a compelling urge
To walk the path of self destruction
It is that feeling you get
When your rent is due in a week
And you still don't have the cash
For the third month straight
That force that drives men
To fight for their families
Three thousand miles away
That causes missionaries
To die for their cause
It is reckless abandonment
Of safety and well being
As the needle keeps calling
Or the bottle or the brothel
And you tell yourself:
One last time
Tonight will be the last
Because your heart is racing
Like a train full speed
And one drop will calm you down
And one cut can't hurt
And you'll stop some other time
When it's less stressful
When school is over
When he comes home
But it never ends
This is a vicious cycle that tears
Your heart and rips your veins
It seeps into your skin
And nests in your skull
It is an invisible parasite
Feeding on everything important
Until at last
You wither away

Anorexia is a demon
An angel wrapped in a shroud of darkness
It starts out slowly
Restricting a bit
Chewing 32 times before swallowing
Writing down the foods that you eat
Then she knows you're falling
Maybe you should start skipping lunch
Did you really just snack?
Your insides become an empty cavern as she makes her home in your lungs
That overwhelming guilt
When you reach inside the bag of Doritos
And you want to cry because it's all you have to eat today
No she screams
And you obey because you don't know what else to do
And your sinking in this abyss of loneliness
She makes it better, she makes you feel so free
You think you may collapse from love
Stupid cow
Feel the fat swim around your tummy, thighs, ribs
And you feel so strong when you can go
16, 24, 48 hours
Without so much as a cough drop hitting your stomach
And the empty echo of your stomach feels like comfort
Even though it hurts
She took over my mind and ever since then i have been trying to get it back
My sanity, my personality, my happiness
The light has gone out and i stare at pictures of me
The emptiness behind these dark brown eyes is unbearable
I thought this would make me undefeatable
But i feel more guilty than before
This didn't make me strong, this crushed me more than i thought anything could

So this is me, falling in love with strangers-
With only their words to guide me.

Hold me while i yank at this sorry thing i called a body
I will tear the flesh from muscle
And scream until he hears me.

He hurt me and used me and left me to bleed.

So now how do you like it that i'm bleeding from my arms and from my throat?
Now that everything is gone, will you still say you loved me most?

Let me go let me scream
Until the emptiness draws me in
Weightless but heavy like a black hole

As i sketch out the
Rough details of your face,
Pencil grasped tightly between my thumb and fingers
I find the basic outline of you
The curvatures that separates you from others
Followed tentatively by the smaller details
Blending in the shades around your upper lip
The soft hairs that line your jaws
And the thin, spider web lashes lining hazel eyes
If i dip a brush in a hue and water then
I can make you come alive on the parchment- so i do
Splashing blue to shade your neck and eyes
Yellow illuminates the bridge of your nose
And green sets your eyes on fire
I douse the reds and pinks in water
To find the perfect color for your face
And as the love flows from my soul
I see you begin to breathe in the canvas

The abyss between living and dying
Limbo for the cowards like us
Who feel with vicious intensity
Can you feel the pressure building inside
Shaking your cells like a bottle of coke
Trying to release it- slowly now
Crack the lid

Slicing away at skin as if the disease is in our blood
Dripping ink on paper while our lips pray for love
Wailing curses no one will ever hear
******* useless strangers till the loneliness disappears
Shooting up so your soul finally feels alive
And when all that is gone you simply want to die

A whole bin of toys to choose from
So we don't have to extinguish this nightmare
Because if we chose to let it spill out on its own
We would have to step to one side- personally,
I don't know whether to live or die

My test results came back saying you've crawled into my veins. You've imprinted your name upon my heart and broke me apart in the process.
**** breathing is so hard when your chest is being crushed by loneliness.
This thing that consumes me is incorrigible and inhumane. And unspeakable evil that pulls at my stomach until i collapse.
I swear when you told me you loved me i fell.
And i am so scared of hitting the ground.

I put a cigarette out on my wrist
And smiled as I thought of you
I'll keep smoking keep drinking
I'll keep fighting until the stench of your hands are gone

**** this constant pointless battle
Because all that i ever hear
No matter what i'm doing right or wrong is:

Stupid coward weak and selfish

And at least while i surrendered to the obsession
With ribs and love and hope, perfection
There was a way to win.

But **** this endless battle

How can you embrace these icy lips
Knowing that they've kissed razors
And how can you trace my hips
With the tips of your fingers

When you see the bones begin to show
And red lines crisscross this skin again
When my skin both feels and looks like snow
Ugly and cold like the beast inside

And how can you scream
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?"
While i'm sobbing on my knees
Crushed by the pain inside and out

I CANT STOP. Cant you see i ******* try?
Fighting to finish dinner, to keep it down
So i'll try and try and scream and lie
Because i don't want you to see

You love the girl who gives eskimo kisses
Who lies awake with you for hours
And ***** you and loves this
Silly bittersweet game we play

But not this sick, tormented ghoul
Who's slowly committing suicide
Whose wretched twisted soul
Is rotting her body from the inside out

I need you i want you i love you
But i need to push you away
Because the dark and wrenching truth?
I'm a grenade, about to explode.

I wanted to take all of the darkness out of your life
And transform it into something beautiful
So i traveled to all the bookstores i could find
And googled spells to banish darkness

Your spirit sat in melancholy as i poured over words
I whispered prayers to whatever deity there may be
And questioned how far i would go for you
As i pricked my skin and abandoned my life

What a strange thing it was to find coming home
That you had decayed into an emptied shell
For as i was trying to find out how to fix you
You had fallen apart because of a cureable loneliness

I want to take the darkness away
My hands throb with the wish
To rest upon the ground and
Absorb the loneliness from this earth
The light still casts to many shadows
For my sensitive eyes to see
I wan't to cast out the darkness
And give unto you beauty
You are much to young
To feel such pain
But life is not a wish granting factory
And the tears still stream down your face
I want to take back the burns on your thighs
I want to scream until the wind returns your laugh
I made a wish on a dandelion today
That you could find happiness
And i blew as hard as i could

I wish poetry could flow from my lips
Delicate and simple; natural like
The way your hair flows with the wind.

And i would use the words given to me
To tell of the sloping curve of your neck
And the exact hue of that freckle on your shoulder.

If i were one of the great poets
I would write a hundred sonnets to your name
Until the mountains exploded- leaving flowers instead of ash

And you would listen and understand
The simple truth that lay within my words
That you are beautiful and precious my love.

Weak.
Weak is surrendering
To the alluring voice of chocolate
And devouring rice by the spoonful.
Weak.
Weak is.
Adipose dangling from your armpits
And jiggling thighs each step
Strong is
Perfection.
Inhaling ash and smoke while
The mortals simply gorge
Wispy arms and jutting ribs
Empty inside. Pills.
Strength is weakness.
Too weak to stand
Waking up from hunger pains
Blackened vision.
This is how you become perfect.

I read lyrics like some people read poetry

Everyday, i look at the scale and pray
That the number has gone down
Because i don't know how much longer i can hate myself
With such vicious passion

I'm sitting here
Reading her poetry
And i know i would hate it
Despise her, scream and shake
If she ever did that to me but
Nevertheless, here i am
Tears rushing down
As the lonliness
Pours out
From her words
Spilling through the screen
And dripping down my shirt
In fat drops of saltwater and mucus
And my heart is aching i wonder how
Much pressure the human heart can take
But my A&P; teacher hasn't taught me that yet
The pressure keeps building and i want
To give her all the love she deserves
To rip the sadness from her chest
And shove it inside my ribcage
Keep it locked up so that
She doesn't feel pain
I'm so sorry

Like the ancient Greek gods and goddesses
It is a boastful caricature of qualities
To some it is heaven, nirvana, swarga loka
A promise of better days to come
If they can once (just once) be good enough
Its a pure soul, a blissful life
A polished floor, the colors of space
Perfection is everything

Perfection is nothing
Like the ancient Greek gods and goddesses
It is too full of itself, pretentious and vain
To some it looks like heaven, nirvana, swarga loka
Far away but they want to touch
If only they could wash the stains from their souls

But those stains are necessary
They are the stars in the sky
The universe is composed of inkstains blended together
Accidents exist but if we look
We can see the imprints the leave
The cosmos, the stars
Hurricanes and fires
Newborn babies, hope and love

Lost limbs and burnt eyes
Death and cruel lies
Are not perfection
But they help us see the strength in us
They help us find real love
By embracing imperfection we learn to live

You told me you still loved him-
after everything he did to you
And i wanted to scream and cry
because that is absolutely insane
And hold you because i know it's hard
To let go of everything holding you down
And how easy it is to surrender to sadness
please, i don't want to see you drown
In depression and *** and falsettos
Of love.

But please baby.
I may not be able to hold you like he did
And i cant kiss away your demons
But i am here
And i love you.

Let me in and i swear, i will give you everything

From inside myself i can hear
Shrieking, roaring voices
Telling me what i am not
Stating what i will never be
And screaming at me the worst
Which is what i am
NOTHING
    WORTHLESS
           STUPID/FAT/UGLY/*****/****
And i want to fight back
Rebel, scream, cry, cut until
They've seeped out of my blood
I don't rebel, i
Obey their every word because i know
That those words are true
And i deserve this

I think it's beautiful
The way we can look up to the sky at night
And see into so many different centuries of time
A spliced ray of light from prehistoric eras
Two from the creation of the universe
From so many different times
Before we even existed
Before a single cell or paramecium
Before words like him and her and love
There was light
And we get to see that light
After it's three-billion-year journey to reach us

At times like this i wish i had just slit my wrists when nobody gave a ****
In sociology we learned the term culture lag,
Society takes some time to adapt to new technology
It took me a while too
So why do you only choose to love me once i hate myself?
Its not fair to ask me to be okay now.
Once i've started agreeing to everyone telling me i'm worthless
They've started saying words like talented, gorgeous, kind
It. Is. Not. Fair.
I cant take it anymore. Everything is a lie and im so sick of it.
Dont tell me you love me. Give up. Hit me. Hurt me. Dont write about how you cry when i slice my skin.
You only loved me once i became incapable of loving myself.

I avoid food and love and lust
Because I ache for it
Because it makes me feel normal

A momentary high is not
Worth the inevitable plummet
And as you reach your hands around my neck I am not sure if you are going to

Caress me, envelop me in kisses
Or choke away this pulsing pain
I am not sure which I long for more

Inside me there is darkness
A contorted version of the little girl
I used to be once upon a time

I am still that ugly little girl
Who prayed for birds and bugs
Then turned around and beat herself up with bike chains and pavement and rock

But maybe i am something more now
Fear courses through my veins
I am deciding who I will be

You,
You think that you are alone
And you do not understand
Why i call you beautiful
But galaxies spin, contained
Behind your perfect hazel eyes
And if you could gaze into them
You would understand why
A simple touch,
Or a whisper from your lips
Can set my soul aflame
Because
You are so sad,
Yet so beautiful
And full of love and passion
That i cannot help but
Clasp your hands in mine
And kiss your lips like
I would give anything to take away
The dark you feel within you
Because when our bodies touch
Even my cells are replenished
Drinking in happiness and love
You're my impossible boy