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I wish I felt like you really loved me.
I feel like you want to see me when you don’t have a better option.
I feel like you have a secret life that you don’t want to share with me.
I feel like you don’t care whether I stay or leave.
I feel like you are not attracted to me.
I feel like I’m doing everything to try to make this a “real” relationship.
I feel like you don’t have respect for me.
I feel like you are embarrassed to be seen with me.
I feel like I’m nothing special or different than the hundred relationships before me.
I feel needy and unwanted.
I feel like you don’t want to touch me.
I feel like you wish I would just be happy with a relationship on your terms and not have other needs.
I feel like all I’m going to get from sharing my feelings is the response, “smh” or "this again" so I keep it to myself.
I feel like you don’t really care about how I feel.
I feel like I’m almost done.
I am in relationship prison.
Being told when I will have a visitor
Never knowing for sure day-to-day
Always on someone else's terms.

My voice silenced.
Not for lack of a voice but
Learned behavior that expressing my feelings lands me in isolation
So I stay quiet.

There are no romantic words
Or tenderness.
No making love just
*****, slutty, impersonal ***
To feel something. Anything.

"Good morning (prisoner)"
Is what maintains this relationship.
No other conversation
Words that are superficial and empty
Until "lights out" at the end of the day.

Resentment and anger begins to build
Innocent of whatever crime that
Landed me in this awful place
Just praying for a pardon and
A glimmer of compassion.

"It is hard to maintain a relationship in prison.
It is deeply frustrating."
I once heard a prisoner say.
This year I hope you will...
Read the best book of your life.
Be kissed by someone who thinks you are wonderful.
Enjoy the peace of sitting outside on a beautiful day.
Make or find great music.
Visit somewhere you've never been.
Have days when you are neither haunted by the past nor worried about the future.
Purchase a product that lives up to the advertisement.
Feel the warmth from a genuine compliment.
Accomplish something important only to you.
Discover a great new restaurant.
Laugh out loud at an unexpected joke.
And finally...
Have a year of health, wealth and peace.
An unexpected kiss
four years ago today
after a late flight,
after a Greek salad (no onions),
after awkward chit-chat
and a win by the Colts
over the Patriots (35-34).

I miss that kiss,
that man, his touch,
those caring eyes,
that adorable smile
and handsome face.

I am excited to my core
when holding him,
hearing his voice,
touching his hair,
caressing his hand,
the feel of his tongue.

An unexpected kiss
four years ago today
changed my thoughts,
my heart and soul
...forever.
Stripping away
the pretense
to expose the
naked truth.

Nothing to hide
as the warm water
flows over me.

Washing away
yesterday's mistakes
and disappointments.

Watching as regrets
disappear with the suds
down the drain.

Cleansed of the past.
Ready to start a new day.
My Heart and Mind had a discussion one day,
About a man that they both knew quite well.
The heated discussion continued for hours,
Both with arguments meant to compel.

A debate ensued between the two,
With each taking a different perspective.
The Heart believed the man to be true,
And the Mind thought he was deceptive.

Heart started the discussion with an obvious point,
"He is sweet and gentle like no man before."
Mind responded smugly, "That's great in the moment
but how does he act after she's walked out the door?"

Heart countered, already knowing the point being made.
"Sure, he may not be able to write or call;
He is busy with constant demands of his time.
What he feels in his heart matters most of all."

"I disagree," and Mind continued to say,
"Actions mean far more than words alone.
It is when words and actions are considered together
that a man's true feelings are shown."

"He has to compartmentalize to get through the day."
Heart continued to defend his intentions,
When they are together his feelings are real,
but her insecurities span many dimensions."

"It's funny you would mention compartmentalizing.
Apparently your memory isn't as sharp as mine,
He was once quoted as saying this was not his strength,
proof that his statements don't always align."

"You are cynical, suspicious and guarded."
Heart was clearly tired of this dispute,
"Those traits are clouding your judgement.
He is genuine and telling the truth."

"I think you are overlooking the obvious but
I'll relax and stop doubting his intentions
if he makes an effort to send a simple sign."

Heart and Mind both wanting to prove their point
and have the bragging rights of superiority.
Mind sure that the man would disappoint her;
Heart confident in his genuine sincerity.

Both waited patiently for some type of gesture,
Something to demonstrate that he really does care.
Heart began to worry and whispered to herself,
"Stay calm and trust that it's not just another affair."

Patience prevailed and an email arrived,
just as Heart had hoped and prayed.
Mind, although disappointed by being proved wrong,
was relieved and no longer afraid.

Trust and calm filled her spirit when thinking of him,
but it was both that won in the end.
Maybe they were more than temporary lovers
and could also be permanent friends.
A simple kiss
gentle and sweet
electrified my soul.

A wave of
****** feelings
never felt before.

A simple kiss
became complicated.
Feelings of passion,
anticipation,
longing,
love.

A simple kiss
ruined by
regret,
shame,
guilt.

I miss
A simple kiss.
A simple hug.
A simple friendship.
A simple love.
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