a poem at night

Your hands
Intertwined in mine
The feeling of warmth, safety,
And a whole lot of 'paasa'.

Your smile
Directed at me
Dimples showing, eyes twinkling
And a whole lot of 'pakyu'.

Your voice
Laughter filling the air
As your mouth speaks with sweet words and promises;
Also a whole lot of 'sino’ng ginagago mo'.

We wake up, opening our eyes
And basking in the sunlight
Or not; burying ourselves out of sight
And the silence replaced with sighs.

And despite a horrible morning,
We end up chanting a mantra hoping
That somehow the day gets better
Or negativity a tad bit lesser.

As we reach school, we face
Numerous formulas and boards
All with problems in hoards
And an anxiety that stays.

And as class ends our eyes meet
And a smile creeps up to my face
And of course, you never missing a beat
About the heat on my cheeks

But I pretend I feel nothing
Because by the end of the day
I pretend we were something-
No, I’m just another idiot today.

The day you told me
You believed in me
Was the day my brain thought
“I guess I’m not that flawed”

Because you were the guy
Who everyone painted as dangerous
And to be friends with you,
I couldn’t get myself to buy.

I gave you what I thought I could give you:
Thoughts, words, promises
And yet I realized now
How stupid I actually am.

I believed in an us:
Something we could’ve been
I believed I was something, somehow significant
And unfortunately I was wrong.

I can’t write poems
Or sing good enough to be acknowledged
Or draw pictures of what we could’ve been
Or have talent, simply because I can't be your type.

I can’t write poems
Because I’m a complete failure
In typing and scribbling out words
To even create something comprehensive.

I can’t write words
To string up to create a poem
Because I can’t even think straight
Because I can’t think of anything.

I can’t write poems-
No, I don’t write poems
Because I can’t tell you-
No, I love you, I love you, I loved you.

To You

Shade and spiteful
How carelessly I thought
You were better than
Them.

I shouldn't have written this poem
In fear that they think I still think about you
You were a memory, long forgotten
And one I'd rather not recall.

"Do you love me?" No.
Because the sun's still shining
And the Earth is spinning
I did, but now I don't.

"So much that it hurts?" No.
Because I finally managed
To move on
Past the things I used to hold on to.

"That it's scary?" No.
Because I've let go of everything
That included you, me,
And every little thing in between.

"I loved you." That's great.
"You rejected me." That's fine.
"I gave up." Congratulations.
Because I'd hate to have toxic people around me.

How stupid of me
To push people away
Afraid
They might pretend to care but actually don't

How stupid of me
To isolate myself
Destroying an avenue
Where I could've been helped

How stupid of me
To be like this
Attempt to ask for help
But too scared to speak up once helped.

Please
Talk to me
Save me from the monsters
Inside my head

Please
Talk to me
I don't want to die
Trying to fend off my thoughts

Please
Talk to me
Because I can't seem to say anything
Because my mind is louder than my own voice

Please
Talk to me
This is a desperate cry
Begging you to save me from myself.