I can't seem to fill
The endless, gnawing void in my stomach
That infinitely expands with age.

The black hole in my stomach
That keeps me from truly feeling home
With anyone, anywhere.

They say home is where the heart is,
And maybe mine got unknowingly
****** in too.

Everything consumed by the pit of loneliness.

The sunlight flickers in and out
Like a game of peek-a-boo
As the fan blows the curtains.

I lay flat on my back as still as I can
As I watch the world spin
With my eyes locked on the ceiling
Hoping that if I don't blink
Or move or swallow
That it'll somehow keep me grounded.

I will not silence my truth
So you can be comfortable in your lie.

Help me find something that makes my soul sit still.

Being forced into my mind
And into my body
And into my heart
Is an excruciating prison for someone
Who grew up living
As an escape artist.

I used everything I had control over
At the time and the only thing
I had was my mind.

So every morning until the night
I'd let my mind and soul
Take flight
To cope with the monsters
I had to fight.

Dreaming in my wake
And in my sleep
Hoping that, by morning,
I wake
Somewhere safe.

You ruined my life.
My every waking day
Shattered by yelling
And the constant verbal abuse.

Nothing satisfied you.

Now nothing satisfies me.

I've run in every direction.
My daydreams tried to take me
But you wouldn't set me free,
You couldn't just be kind
And happy.

So I turned to alcohol until
It burned my insides that I realized
That it isn't fun anymore.
It's just poison and I'm useless,
Mindless on the floor.

So I chose to smoke some ****
Hoping it'd get rid of the
****** memories.
And it did..
For a while.
And now it's not the same
Because all it brings is numbness
No longer a smile and heightens the pain.

Now I'm stuck here.
Aware.
In my body and in my mind
And weirdly enough
The real world feels more fake
Than my dreams ever did.

Forever ******* miserable
Because I have a damaged inner kid.

Crack the sky open

And spill forth all that was hiding behind the curtain.

You will not hide the Truth from us much longer

and you will die trying

as we die fighting.

God always wins.

Time, you *******.

The way you stop and slow,

The way you rush us through.

The whiplash might just be too much
for me.

My soul, the filter of the self,
***** and grimey.

Sticky energy stuck,
Karma links,
Life amuck.

I'm scrubbing myself clean
And finding the shine underneath.
Yes the process is long and mean
But after I've made it past the bleak
Heath,
I will come out as my true being.

Human words oversimplify everything that I am inside.

God, I hate the way my coffee turns cold in such a short amount of time,
Before I've even gotten close to finishing the cup.

It just reminds me how warmth fades.

It fades
           and fades
                              and fades...

I can't wait to shove hot knives down your throats after all the times you made me swallow hot truths that even my tongue didn't want to have to spew but you cowards could never.

So who will stand for justice if not me?

I won't apologize for my skewed ways
Of execution either,
Because its your fault im twisted baby,
Let's play five finger filet,
Whats wrong?
Don't you trust me?

Maybe there should be a different word for forgiveness because there are two kinds.

There is the forgiveness that we all automatically think of when we hear that word.

The kind where when they apologize and you feel the betrayal and pain come crashing down, collapsing on top of you all at once. Your world falling apart, or maybe just the walls of defense but as they begin to crumble, you can hear their, "I'm sorry," echoing through the back of your mind as you let the pain wash over you.
With each wave that comes you begin to bathe them in the cleansing waters too.
Your pain transmuting through a hug and three little words and you can feel it all wrap around you both like a big warm hug and you just...
Let go.

Then there's the kind of forgiveness that happens with boundaries.
This kind gets you stuck in your anger because more than likely the other person isn't going to come to you at their knees and try to show you they wanna make it better.
Or maybe, they just plain have run out of chances and your good graces wore thin but this kind of forgiveness will bring you to your own knees.
Begging for reprieve from the knives that have been stabbed into back. You just wish it was the person who put it there to give it but it won't be them.
It'll be you.

And you don't ever really "forgive" someone when you've finally removed THEIR knife the way you do when someone takes accountability for their half of the pain.

The other half of forgiveness is painful and lonely.

But you do it for you.
Just like they did it all for them.

You don't get a loving hug.
You get rug burnt, bleeding, hot trembling hands as you finally let go of the weight that was slowly about to drag you off the cliff from holding on.

But the minute you let go you find relief as the cool wind lightly kisses your callouses.

So you let it go.

Let go.

I breathe in the stars through my nose
Cough up the dust
With leftover light in my lungs.

Breathing in the night and his moon,
Galaxies in my chest.
I have dreams that are tossing and turning,
never set to rest.

I will always burn and flicker here
Among my common friends.
Laying under my blanket we call the night
Until my glow finally ends.

Life is a **** deal.

No matter how great the cheap thrills, tricks, and food is,

It isn't worth its counterpart.

The pain isn't worth this chaos carnival ride

And the only ones who think it is

Are the clowns.

Sometimes instead of listening to the shouting in my head
I scream back
By blasting music through my skull so loud
That they no longer have a voice powerful enough
to be heard.

There are people who become my drug
And continuously I find myself with detox after detox.
The fatigue, the shakes, chills,
And anger.
A desperate need to go back,
The fever, night sweats, and endless vomiting again and again.

No one understands I'm a recovering addict
Who always finds a new drug in someone.
Please don't stick around
If you can't stay and be loved.
It never ends
and I fear it never will.
Not
Until I learn control
Or overdose so my heart will stop.

I am the Great Awakener.

I will bring you to your knees in humility.
I will show your shadow the light.
I speak truth.
I breathe truth, I bathe in the everlasting light of truth
and I will shatter your very fragile realities.

I will show you every reason
To stop the lies.
To yourself and others.

Wrap you inside a cocoon of transformation
and I will force you open, ready or not,
And spread your wings wide so that you can fly too.

Fly in your truth, in your light,
and we can show the world
the One and the way.

I am a wish

Among the weeds.

I refuse to believe

I

Am

Undesirable.

I'm back tracking my steps to figure out

Where on my journey

I left my soul behind.

Where is my hippie soul?
Who preaches peace in every scenario.
Who loves with no limits
Or conditions.

Fighting the good fight.

He'll lay against the grass and scry the clouds with me.
Positioning flowers in my hair
To make a colorful arrangement.

His gypsy soul never settling down.

His eyes never leaving the stars.
I almost want him to love them
More than me.

Finding passion amongst the trees.

Look for me.

I'm twirling in between the trunks
And if you stare just long enough
You'll see me dancing with them.

Shaking the leaves
As the Earth
Makes love with me.

I'm so beyond tired of flipping through this book
Trying to be on the same page as you.

We are all canvasses walking around,
Clueless, that we are also the painter.

What kind of masterpiece are you going to make?

Sometimes I think of taking this skin off like a jacket to show my soul
But then I remember,
The world is a cold and frozen place.

She understood that she fell in love with
No one
Because he's always changing face.

He mastered making masks
So he never had to face himself.

Oh how badly I wish
I wasn't alone in this.

Tornadoes swarm me and my feet touch the ground
But my head just spins.

Energies
Swarming me, beating me,
Bombing me, throwing me up and
Down and sideways
And I just want to stop.

Please, oh God,
Be still.

The stirrings within that you create
Might make me lose my will.

The longer I go on
The more am I amazed by the way pain can take us in it's hands like a fresh sheet of paper
And crush us into a tiny crinkled ball of mess.

But the cool thing about us humans is
How we flatten ourselves back out
Wrinkle by wrinkle,
And we can fold ourselves
Into beautiful works of origami
Over and over and over again.

Your laughter always reminded me of wind chimes.

Light and airy, soft.

The way I swear it stirred up fairies from their slumber.

I'll never forget the magic in the echo of it in my memory.

I can feel her peeking,
Shyly one eye around the corner.

I can see her sneaking,
Flying under curtains.

Giggling at the thought
Of finally being out in the open.

Playfully teasing,
One foot in and
One foot out.

She gets closer and closer,
Preparing to just dip her toe in.

I coax and cheer her on,
I'm ready for the show to begin.

She's almost ready
To come out after
Being long, long hidden
From within.