the tightnessofthechest

  the d i z z i n e s s

the SCARES AND JUMPS.

  the inhale and the e
                                      x
                                         h
                                              a
                                                 l
                                                     e.
the t e a
          rs of failure
and worry.

**hopelessness, and doubt.

You’re telling me how good the food is,
and I can see him grab her wrist.

"Isn't this salad good?"
I nod yes.

He's now reaching for her face,
she has fear in her eyes.

"Try this, it goes great with the wine."
Everyone can see.

"Isn't the wine great?"
She's crying, he's red.

"Should we get the check?"
They get the check,
she goes for the concealer,
covers the bruises.

"Did you have a good meal?"
I nod yes.

He leaves and starts the car,
she struggles behind him.

"I had a fabulous time, did you?"
I nod yes,
wasn't that wine great?

I think about death too often
my death, I think about too often.

Will I die young?
Will I have accomplished
all I wanted?
Will I have children before my death?
Will they have to live a life with
no mother?
Will I live a long life,
growing old with loved ones
and friends?
Seeing my grandkids have kids.

Will I have neither of those and
live the world's loneliest life?
Will I dedicate myself to work
and work only
Will I die before I even live my life?


I think about death too often,
my death, I think about too often.

I feel I've lost whatever made me inspired.
whatever made people connect to me.
I feel that the criticisms don't make me better,
they make me think I am the worst at what I do.

I try to take it with a smile on my face
knowing they are trying to help.

Maybe I have lost it,
maybe I should give up.