as i sit here, typing the way i learned how to in the fourth grade,
i feel my head being weighed down by my thoughts.
i'm scared to get on the scale because they surely have doubled my body weight, crushing my confidence between their thunder thighs.
it takes a lot of self-persuasion to convince myself that i am not made up of numbers.
i am not the amount of bones in my body,
i am not the result of a test,
i am not what i dial into my phone just to hear your voice mail recording,
i am not the numbers on the scale.
three digits are terrifying, two bring solace to my night.
but do they really?
are two digits enough to stop the thoughts in my mind from running before my body catches up?
"******". "obese". "huge". "disgusting".
how can TWO DIGITS get rid of these thoughts?
newsflash: they can't.
two digits don't do as much as i used to hope.
my body is finally keeping pace with my mind and i'm realizing that there is more to life than numbers.

do you know
what's harder than
crying?

when people think
you're fine
because your eyes
don't look puffy
nor are they bloodshot.

do you know
what's harder than
losing sleep?

when people think
you sleep peacefully,
dreaming behind your closed eyelids.

do you know
what's harder than
living?

when people think
you've moved on,
looking for a new life.

the hardest thing of all, though,
is when i have to go through them all,
but without you.