1997
the roots of my family tree
are shallow and malnourished,
breaking through the Earth's skin as a reminder
that it cannot always keep the ugly
hidden underneath.
my DNA is a life sentence for a crime
I never wanted to commit.

1999
my father called my brother a king
before he even left the womb.
a solar eclipse that has lasted years
because of my inability to escape his shadow;
though, I'm not sure I ever will.
the world will always be his stage,
and I, just a poorly constructed backdrop.

2005
my skin has turned
black and blue back into flesh.
I hope, one day,
my mind takes a lesson from my body
and learns how to forget you.

2011
they call him the all merciful god,
and I can't help but to laugh,
because the only thing he promised
to those who hurt me was forgiveness.
I prayed up until the day
god changed his phone number.
atheism is a learned behavior;
I only wonder when god stopped
believing in me.

2015
I live my life in reverse.
I drink coffee at midnight,
read the epilogues first,
go to bed in the morning.
I spent my childhood in this grave,
now it is time to dig myself out.

And everything inside me is connected
From the isolation to the need to be in constant contact with everyone I've ever loved or seen
And I don't know what all this change means
All I know is that something in me is different than it ever was before and the rate at which the change comes is staggering and I am drowning trying to understand these new tides within me
From that still small place i learned to find peace in on those endless drives home
To that raging waring firestorm brewing in the base of my ribs threatening to consume everything and everyone I once called good but have since fallen from my hopeful hands

And I can't be by myself
But I can't be with my old friends either
I can't see inside myself
But neither can anyone else

And all I am gets wrapped up into some great swirling question that hovers over me as I sleep
calling forth the dreams I pushed so far down inside of myself that I mistook them for muscle mass or grey matter
And they rise up one by one and take my tired form between their teeth and remind me of why I buried them in the first place
Every failure or failing of my systems systematic switch screen horror stories of the terrible creature I once was
And I don't make much sense anymore
But I don't know if I even want to try to understand
Disconnect of fact or fiction I am a swirling contradiction stuck in static addictions fighting each new wave of self in fear and trembling
and in fear and trembling I reach with timid hands to grasp the veil about the face of my spirit
Calling out the life in me and raising up the dead
So that I may see what it is that is truly taking place within my head.

And maybe our relationship was brittle at best but still I trusted anyway and gave you my weight
A naive show of faith in what you gave before I had even stopped to consider what our delicate frame could take
And I don't know if it was god or some old ghost but something brought me back after every single fall
So bruise by bruise I somehow in my blind eyed optimism convinced myself that you were worth it all
That somehow there was something cosmicly important in the way you entered and filled a room
But I let you into every part of me before I was ready to be known I let you in too fast and far too soon
So now I keep myself up at night picking at our past trying to find the places I fell through
And I think it's pretty telling that whenever i tried to open up you only heard what applied to you
And I couldn't hate you
I couldn't condemn you to hell
But I can't love you
And I can't wish you well
Some things have to burn out on their own
But I never learned to leave fire alone.

the church pew thrasher
I'm stuck somewhere between what they say and what they do
communion cups and inner church affairs
painted faces and sanctified stairs
and though I once was blind I now can never unsee
this place has been a heaven for the rivers of hell that abides in in me
and I crossed all of my fingers
knocked my white knuckles on those pews of holy wood
but I found all was lost that kept me young, kind, and good
I learned quick that things never turn out just like they should
and still I cling to hands raised and a few honest bars
the musing of the man on the microphone and my quiet life on mars
If there were any walls they met my fists
if there were any rough edges they all met my wrists
drunk on the blood of my saviors fallen from grace
unable to understand but still a need to see the savior's face
there is no other explanation
there is no other reason

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

and I'll never understand how much death I lived through
in a place that boasted life for the pure, holy and true
milk and honey met blood and abomination
innocent eyes and tiny hands lead to the greatest devastation
the betrayal of trust
the bread and the cup tarnished with rust
I'll never understand
but still I reach for the Hand

If there were any walls they met my fists
if there were any rough edges they all met my wrists
drunk on the blood of my saviors fallen from grace
unable to understand but still a want to see the savior's face
there is no other explanation
there is no other reason

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

So I sing to the kid in me that never grew up
the once who's still tripping under the weight of that cup
be still
be still
be still
it was never his will
be still
be still
be still
it isn't your fault, it isn't your crime
don't let it consume you
don't let it poison your mind
just
be still

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

You tattooed the small of my back every time you took the round about way of saying things
Through your body and through your hands
Calculating our distance and the ways in which we failed our fellow man
Be gentle with yourself
At least be kind to yourself if you can't be to me
Tan lines and sunken eyes
We sit inside the dried up river bed right where the water once ran
dark brown and green
Right where used to swim and play pretend till we could not move our limbs anymore
I told you then I'll tell you now I could never ask for more
Than to be gentle with you
Once more in muddy water
Tripping over stones and catfish
Bruising spines and tender minds
Time be gentle with me
My legs are unsteady and my heart is a bursting ****
Freeing pent up oceans, plant life and messes of men
Time Go easy on me
And you
Walk tender with me
Because you cant help but permeate my body and ink up my soul
In hairline fractures of your brilliance
In jagged cuts of your ignorance
I cannot separate your imprints from me
I cannot clean up these tracks even though I know you'll just leave
I know you're gonna leave
I know you have to leave
But you don't leave me alone
You're everywhere.

And still I wonder at the feet of some strange Phantom Other
of all the crucifixes and hymnals I misplaced over all the years
Hands unknowingly raised I found myself in the midst of an embrace I was so firmly braced against
I set myself also against you
But is it odd that I see it hovering over you too?
I hope you feel it too.
And all the mistakes I made I keep quiet in the back of my pocket
To use as reasoning against all the ways I could ever let someone close again
When all I want is for someone to burst in and tell me I was worth it all in the end
Self loathing embedded into me like some cultural progression of an unholy procession of higher self
But all I ever wanted was to be one with myself
Instead of hating my own skin
And still the holy ghost hangs over it all quietly watching and projecting pictures of all the people I'd come to love
Happy in their holy havens safe from everything I feared
Everything I feared that had been hiding in my skin
And the countless Sunday mornings I spent observing others fall out seem so distant now when I'm finding church in my bathroom alone
Safe from sanity safe from my darker self
In this is the only purity I will know
May I never be as the winter snow
And it's taken years for me to write in honesty of all the friends I've lost and of my personal heroes who have fallen
But it will take me many more to portray my 40 days of wandering in the house of the lord
Because 40 became 60 and 60 stretches on until I find my footing again
And know the Phantom Other as friend
And learn to let the light fully in
Because I know that you know that I am not too far gone
I'm just learning to move on.

Sometimes I like you best when you've got nothing to say
Dog tired, **** out of luck, in the tender hours of the new day
I like the way you stare at the ceiling thinking about God or some feeling
You left long ago in another room back when these days weren't soon
Well we'll see it soon
And I know it hasn't been easy but I'm still thankful for this
Between failing grades and modern crusades this is an ungodly kiss but it's the one we needed just the same
It's  the one we needed after 4 years of destructive games
and this is the happiest I've been in years
Don't bother wiping my tears
I just want to sprawl out on your bedroom floor
Cds and video games spread out all over I am breaking at the core
I just want to talk like we're still in the 10th grade
Young and hopeful full of **** back before the mess was made
Back before we made them
But we keep on making them just the same
And I confess I've never screamed my lungs out like that before
But the fact that I could call you at 1 am no strings attached never meant more
I'm still stuck there on your floor

How the wonder years go

Modern baseball in my passenger seat you didn't say a word
Because you knew I needed just to be and that I needed just to be heard
Still sore from the lessons I had to learn
Still recovering from the bridges I burned
You still listened
And I did too
And I love the early hours of the morning when there is nothing left to say
Because we've been talking for the past four years and I think it's time to call it a day
And even though we can't we might as well try to stay
Just
stay.
for a second at least.