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Caroline Lee May 2016
And as existential doubt sets in,
I know that I couldn't want you
But I couldn't help the rush of rejection
And so I fell
A thousand times
Screaming drunk filthy
I swear you were the one
Until I sit alone with myself and I know what lies within
But I don't know what lies beyond
And my hollow eyes find yours across the church
You in your white dress or suit or whatever nightmare you picked out
Plastered perfection
I was not the one for you
Because currently eternity has been looking more and more like a graduation ceremony
And I watch as everyone I've ever loved or loathed makes their way across the stage as I am seated in the back
And it doesn't really sting
Until the curtain falls
And I hear congratulations
With a mouth full of hell and a head filled with wine I stumble out into the crowd
And I spill myself all over your gown
Church or school auditorium it's all the same now
It's all the same now
Let the curtain fall on this too as I say congratulations
Congratulations
Congratulations
I still feel the same.
Angsty
Caroline Lee May 2016
And after long six years,
I'm still not sure if there's life on mars.
Maybe a life for someone else,
But not for me.
Highschool is almost over and I'm not even sure what's happened in the last years.
  Apr 2016 Caroline Lee
Aoife
he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs,
cleared the air and breathed his blood.

he made a universe
of stars made of her
they had her name and they breathed life.

he loved her
because he thought it meant
loving himself
but he should've known that
two explosions, when finished,
eventually result
in darkness.

he thought the universe was heavy,
yet he carried her to bed every night
for a week and a half
while she battled her tears
over “what if?”
and he would put her to sleep
with gentle cradling and soft whispering
because he knew stars needed to sleep too.

he made flowers grow
in her body,
he let their stems wrap tightly
around her ribs and hold her together,
and he was scared of the darkness,
but he'd come to love the eerie glow
of the moonlight.
his fingers were drowned
in the outpouring of her agony,
and they were fixed to her cheeks
like constellations in the sky.
the person she used to be
was now a faint ghost,
etched into his memory,
but it was how he kept her alive.

the things he thought about most
were the things he talked about least
often times,
the sounds of their children's laughter
stained the fibres of his mind,
but he couldn't recall those sounds,
for they had been replaced
by his wife's shaky breaths
and painful cries.

he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs.
perhaps that was where she should be,
for maybe life can begin to grow again
and wrap tightly around her ribs
and possibly, maybe, hopefully,
hold her together.

he wished the flowers good luck,
because even gravity
couldn't bind the universe.
• written for two people in a story I am ecstatic to tell.
Caroline Lee Apr 2016
There isn't much left to say but,
I felt every part of this
from the hot nights spent with  friends hanging out the window on the interstate chasing feeling beyond cognizant thought
to the cold day in my back yard back when it all began when I realized for the first time that I was truly, and honestly alone and that nothing and no one could save me from the person I was becoming
no one, that is,
but me  
and some concept of God long forgotten with space and time.
and I see every fault so clearly
like my past is just a passage in my chemistry book with every misstep highlighted in different colors
one color for the effect it had on my existence

Yellow: to remind me that no matter how close to balanced I may come,
I will still feel the need to deconstruct every good thing I know
so I can understand the higher significance
and **** the magic and well being of everything I love.

Orange: for the bridges I burned
the relationships that if I had only been more gentle
or more caring
or more honest
or more careful
I could still have today.

Red: for the messes I made
to remind myself that no matter how much bleach I can pour on a stain
there will always be a slight discoloration.
doubt
trust issues
bad reputations
being held at arms length like one might hold a filthy child

I see every fault so clearly.

and I can move away
change my name
dye my hair
pierce my body
cut off my friends and family
turn the ******* page
but I will still be able to see the colors no matter how many pages I turn
all the yellows, oranges and reds bleeding through like some unholy sunset
staining my body and covering my eyes
So you can hear it in my voice.
So you can taste it on my tongue.
and there isn't much left to say anymore
I feel it all.
Pessimistic retrospect of the past six years. There is one part of me that believes this. There is another part of me that is happier and fuller than I have ever been. I am alive and I am thankful. But I also have baggage. Which we all do. We're all just messes of men.
Caroline Lee Apr 2016
Rivers flow from my open mouth as I'm fallen back at your feet
Indigo and bruised I always come back to you
Sweaty and sick on a Thursday night
Wash me clean in dewy grass and light me up like the air planes in the night
The want will never end.
This want will never end.
And I've plastered up my body so that you cannot see the cracks
But I come spilling out anyway
Crucify me with your kind eyes
Resurrect my broken lungs
What a pretty thing to pity the girl who'd wash your feet
What a petty thing to want.
I've had writers block lately so yeah I understand most of my writing has been ****. Hopefully this is better. It felt good to get out.
Caroline Lee Apr 2016
And there's breath in everything
From champagne glasses to the long ride home
Flying down some golden highway singing of all that is lost only to find that my hands are far from empty
And I am fully feeling again
Scraping the tapestry of the night with my bare hands through the open window
Skin tinted gold
Soul whit hot accentuated by street lights and lack of sleep
And it's over.
It's over and done
It's a short dash to that finish line and I can taste the blood in my mouth
Finally reconciled with the fire within me I am only just beginning
I am only just getting started
So before I finish
Let me just set to flame every lie I ever let under my skin
Let me purge my body of every misconception or deception I took into my ribs with quiet reserve and called my own
I may be young but I've grown since then
And I won't pretend to be any less than myself  
I won't pretend to be the quiet shell of a girl who couldnt take her eyes off the ground or raise her head to stand up straight
That girl is dead
She died,
Not peacefully
But in a forrest fire
A fire that ravaged the wilderness inside of her and lay her bones bare on the blackened earth.
So if you're looking for all that she was,
You won't find her here.
You'll only find the fire that tore her apart
And the breath,
The same breath that binds everything together,
Stitched safely in between her ribs.
Things are different
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