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Caitlin Sep 2014
I have pain.
Don't think I don't.
I do.

I just don't show it...
Caitlin May 2016
I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't want to be hurt.
It's a feeling of emptiness.
It's a waiting game.
I hate it.
You started our conversations,
But now I seem to be more invested in them.
I'm the one catching feelings,
And what's even worse,
You don't even know.
*CGMW
Caitlin Sep 2015
Is this truly what pain feels like?
I don't need a razor,
You are the blade against my skin.
I don't need a savior,
I'm too far in this hell hole that I created,
I don't need advice,
I know what I'm doing, most of the time.
I don't need this pain,
You're my pain.
I never asked for this.
Is this what true pain feels like?
An already broken heart,
Being shattered again?
And again?
A world that I've worked so hard to bulid around me?
Coming down in pieces?
My walls, in parts and torn,
Being crumbled to dust?
Is this what pain is??
Caitlin Sep 2015
I'm afraid I'm gonna have a panic attack,
Or a mental break down and start crying....
Caitlin Apr 2015
Why can't they just leave me alone?!?!?!?!?
Caitlin Feb 2015
You wonder why I spend more time in the band room than in my house,
Its not that hard to figure out.
Caitlin Feb 2015
You say I'm not the boss of me yet,
That I'm only 16,
Yet you fail to realize that I became the boss of me when you stopped caring about me.
Neither of you really know me.
So I am the boss of me.
Caitlin Feb 2016
My past is not simply my past.
For a while it haunted me, like a ghost.
But now, it is a reminder;
Of my mistakes,
Of where I've come from
Of who I don't want to become
Of what I want to escape from
But my past is just that.
Mine.
Nothing can change that.
I've accepted it.
My past is my history.
I've got to look forward now.
Caitlin May 2014
You can do this.
It's no different than before
Well actually it is.

He's not there.
But he could be
No he can't.

I can do this.
It's ok to make a mistake.
I think.

I can't do it.
I'm gonna fail.
I get so nervous I can't breathe
I'm not gonna do it.
I can't
I won't..

I have to.
I have to.
I can.
I will..
You know what I'm taking about..
Caitlin Jan 2015
I'm not.
Stop assuming I am.
Caitlin Mar 2023
It’s been a while since I’ve written
A long while

A lot has changed and I have grown a lot
I’m not sure if I’ll keep writing but who knows
Caitlin Feb 2016
It's funny how you can prepare for something,
Then all of a sudden be pushed to your knees
With crippling anxiety.
And I know I'm not all that prepared,
And I'm stressing the little things,
But my future hangs in the balance.
If I don't pas this audition with soaring colors ,
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Caitlin Jan 2015
Don't you know that I know what pressure I'm under?
I don't need your nagging too.
Caitlin Feb 2015
I need to be strong.
Not for me,
But for those around me..
Caitlin Apr 2015
Is it too much to ask that you be proud of me?
Caitlin Apr 2015
I've figured out what another one of my many problems.
I'm afraid, because I don't trust myself...
Caitlin Dec 2014
What do you see in me??

*I'm nothing
Caitlin Jan 2015
Have you ever thought about love, like as much as I've thought about love?
Do you know that I think of you more often than not?
Do you ever think of me?

I hate this feeling inside when I think that you could come back.
It's a mixture of fear and anxiety and joy.
I want to show you that you no longer effect me, but at the same time I fear that I actually do...
Him. That's all I can say...
Caitlin Jan 2015
So today, I realized that I was depressed, based on the poem "my fear" that is evident. so I told some people. Like my English teacher, who has been very supportive of me this past year. He quite possibly understands me better than my parents do. But what He said after I showed him "My Fear", shocked me. He said I needed therapy, to get someone else's opinion on my life, which is true. So I decided to get a second opinion, from my band director. I love my band director, He gets me. So I told him that I was depressed about family and stress and school. and He started talking to me about this, and how it effects my playing and ect. But one thing He said was that I need to use this pressure, for that was what it boiled down to was pressure, and use it as motivation. And so I left, feeling a little better. But what really got me was that when I enter the band room afterschool, to grab some music to copy at home, my folder is missing. Now folders rarely go missing, because we have our own spot for them. And I did eventually locate my folder, but the thing was that 4 pieces of my music were missing. a exercise book, a chorale and 2 festival music. Now I know that when I put my music away after class, which was 6th period, we only had one class left. but I KNOW that  I had my music in that folder. So sometime within 50 min, someone took my folder out and took my music. Now that, that is out, the fact that I was depressed than this incident with my music made me paranoid, it was not a good combination. I almost started to cry.... it was terrible.
Caitlin Jan 2015
So you want to make me?
A moody?
Ok, here's what you do.

Have a caring soul.
Tear that soul's heart to pieces.
Then try to reassemble those parts.
If you are successful, put that heart inside of a body that is fat, too tall. and not noticed by anyone.

There you have a moody.
Caitlin Moody.
Just me right now.. Maybe I'll write a different one, later..
Caitlin Mar 2015
Don't get frustrated with yourself,
Just keep trying.
And don't be afraid to try.
Remember that.
Caitlin Jan 2015
I need to strive under pressure,
It's the only way to get out of this depression.
Caitlin Apr 2015
It's sad that my parents don't know me at all.
Like nope, my teachers probably know more my parents do.
It's really sad.
Caitlin Nov 2014
It's not at home..
Not at church...

It's with music
Caitlin Jan 2015
It's not at home
Not at church..

I'm not even sure it's with music any more..
Caitlin Dec 2014
I bleed red, just like you.
But I bleed more than you do.

I cry tears, just like you.
But I cry more than you do.

I think, just like you.
But I over think more than you do.

I laugh, just like you.
But I may not as much as you do.

I smile, just like you do.
But not as much as you do.
Caitlin Jul 2014
Saved
A blank page
in the story of my life

For You.
See
Caitlin May 2014
See
How can you be so blind?
          I'm standing right here...
Ummm, I kinda just started to sing and make up words and this was part of it... So enjoy- I think....
Caitlin Aug 2014
I am invisible.
I don't mind.
Really.
You'll see me one day.
Caitlin Dec 2014
I
Don't
Have
Any,

But I am a good actress.
Caitlin May 2015
Set me free?
What if I long for freedom,
Yet and comfortable where I am?
In this prison of mine,
That I created?

Set me free?
I'm more dangerous out there than I am in here.
I'm dangerous to myself.
Can't you see?

You can't set me free.
My prison is myself.
I'm locked in with myself.
Set me free?

Do you know how to set me free?
Caitlin Jun 2015
Do I feel seventeen?
Not really.
I guess I've that age where its just another day,
Just another year.
Maybe..
But I'm still a child.
Caitlin Sep 2014
For so long
I was stuck between your shadow
And you.

No longer.
Caitlin Jun 2015
Questions.
One after another.
They are all I seem to be thinking these days.
Questions
Caitlin Jan 2015
I find it easier to do than speaking up.
Staying silent.
It's the option you choose when you are uncomfortable with how life is but is to afraid to change it.

It's the option that will get you in less trouble then speaking your mind and regretting it later.

I stay silent to protect not only me, but others around me as well.
*I stay silent
Caitlin May 2015
Silent.

Without words,
I am mute.
I cannot tell you how I feel. 
I am silent.

Without music,
I don't have emotion.
I can not express myself.
I am silent

Without soul,
I am empty.
I can't feel.
I am silent.

But the catch here,
Is if no one cares,
I am still silent.
Caitlin May 2014
Where were you when I needed you?
I don't know...
Caitlin Feb 2014
I love to sing
And that's not a bad thing because
I have my mothers voice
I live because of singing
I have had moments in my life
When all I  couldn't function
Without music ringing from my throat
Many people have told me that I sing well
And I take it to heart
I enjoy bring people pleasure
Though my music
Caitlin Jan 2015
I
  Have
   This
    Sinking
      Feeling
        In the
         Pit of
           My
              Stomach...
        No  
          Idea
             Why.
Caitlin Feb 2014
She sits, at the end of her porch
Waiting for the day when everything
Will fall into place

He sits, only inches away from his phone
Waiting for the text
That may never arrive

She stands, finally
Deciding to do something
So all will fall in to place

He stands, deciding
That waiting only
Hurts rather than helps

Will you sit around?
Or will you stand and do something?
The choice is yours...
Caitlin Jun 2015
Only two more days until my time of being 16 years old comes to an end.
I've learned, lived and loved this past year.
I'd like to share some of what I've learned and lived.
1. Never be afraid to take solos, or fight for them.
2. Always remember to have fun, especially in a social setting.
3. Never drink diet soda with mint gum in your mouth.
4. Remember that home is where your heart is, whether if its a house or not.
5. Always sing like you mean it.
6. Never be afraid of your talent.
7. Friends will come and go, learn to move on.
8. Don't go looking for fights- in fact, steer clear of them.
9. Always tell the truth, no matter how harsh, they will thank you later.
10.Family isn't always blood relatives.
11. The people who can hear you when you are silent, truly care for you.
12. Love, endlessly. beautifully, wonderfully.
13. Faith and Grace are two wonderful things.
14. Remember to always love yourself too
15. God will only put you through the fire, to make you a diamond when you come out.
16. Music is the thing that connects generations, countries and language barriers- Give it respect.

Thanks.
Caitlin May 2015
Can't you see?
I am smiling.
But I'm still broken
Caitlin Jun 2014
Today I am sixteen.
I don't feel older
I've always been older....
More matured.

But today I am officially 16.
Wow... 16 years of life.
I lived every minute if it to the fullest
At least I hope I did.

So... I guess the question is-
What am I gonna do now?
Caitlin Dec 2014
Sometimes I wish that I was born in
The time when men came calling.
            Or in the time where love wasn't hard to find.
Or when everyone was important,
            And loved,
                  And needed.
Where I could be loved,
         Needed,
              important.
Sometimes, I wish....
Caitlin Jun 2014
Sometimes
I
Forget
That
You
Are
Actually

A
Human..
I let my feelings get in the way of what we could be- friends.
Caitlin Nov 2014
I'm sorry if I'm worthless to you...

I don't mean to be.
Caitlin Jan 2015
So you know the poem that I wrote, Goodbyes?
Well the guy that I was talking about falling for..
I showed him the poem..

He didn't really react..
I don't think he got it that I was starting to like him.....
Caitlin Mar 2015
State solo and ensemble is on Friday...
I'm terrified.
Caitlin Jan 2015
Stop depending on me so much.

*I'm afraid I'll let you down
Just me right now.. Thinking of band.. And my leadership..
Caitlin Apr 2015
I still give you hugs,
and I still joke around.
But I know, and I know you know too,
That things are different between us.
And I hate that.
I wish things were the way they were...
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