I love rereading old notebooks,
Scanning forgotten phone notes,
And rummaging through filled diaries…
I like to see what I thought was important:
Dreams
         Love Notes
                   Cute Texts
                             Unfinished Poetry
They're almost like gravestones,
The way they define a moment
And hold dear to their date of creation.
Even the ones without a month or year,
I know: your name is in most of them…
Back when you used to randomly tell me you loved me;
All the poetry I wrote for you
But was too scared to ever tell you about it;
The nightmares where you weren't there
And the dreams where all there was in the darkness
Was the sound of your strong yet soft voice.
I love these notes and pages,
These tombstones of a happy time,
Too bad they're gone now--
Just like you.

You're not in love,
you just like
entertainment.
Blood boiling,
tense muscles
put your mind
at ease.

You're not kissing,
you just like
the gesture of hope:
the softer the lips
the harder it is
to walk away.

You quote their texts
like you're quoting
scripture.
The tweets you study
cause your heart
to freeze.

You're like a god
without a people:
You're looking
for anyone
to believe
in you.

I dreamt about
a ****** t.v.
movie.
I put myself
in a lover's shoes.
I said, "You're
not that lonely
but you like
the attention.
And I guess
I'd like to
give it
to you."

Suffocated by a web of a world that does not understand:
Words in my throat, caught like little flies struggling against the weave,
Emotions suppressed deep, encased in the widow's cocoon --
I am silenced, hidden under the surface.

Like a star, hope trickles down soft as a weak creak stream.
Light but dull, a beacon in an entire world of darkness;
Little ones walking will be the ones to watch it grow strong,
But I, a little fly, will die waiting for a light that is not for me.

This web is a cold and lonely prison,
I pray that, in this blackness, I am not alone
As I wait for more hearts to light the spark
That might burn away this web of a cage.

Temptation is sweet, subtle,
Like the steady rhythm of beach waves --
Not there unless you're listening and
Watching for the sly and slick riptide.
The wait is agonizing, maddening,
Like walking along shell shattered sand --
Not willing to stop and reason
Knowing the anxiety is pulling people under.
The fall is sudden, quick,
Like the rush of a tidal wave --
Relentless in its destruction and
Scattering the power lusted as the serpent rises.

Snow fall,
Crystal showers
That encase me in the chill of death.
Take me in your arms
And lull me away,
Put me to sleep with the oaks,
Tuck me away under the drapes of the willows,
Lace my dreams with memories of summer flowers
Cover me in blankets of soft uncut grass and
Douse me with frozen snowflake kisses.
I fear the cracking I hear
When I try to open my eyes,
The shattering of an ice layer so thin yet so heavy--
Is that the sun I see?
Washing the white landscape in red and pink
Reaching out, but never touching.
It is always the moment before the dawn
That I forget the beauty of the day.
Consumed by twilight and midnight stars--
Hopes that are billions of miles away…
Upon awkening,
The first steps are always hard.
The chill that encases so many holds fast
Only the strong survive
I fear this time I will not rise with the sun,
But sink low, deep into the willow's roots
And feed from the next tortured soul
Who comes to sleep under the drapes of the willow.

Some times I find myself thinking
Would it be better if I woke up dead?
That, somehow, all those people
That were my friends
My blood
The ones who thought they knew me
And the people who heard of me,
If by my absence everything would be better.
Too many times I find myself thinking
*Yes.

Lately
I've tried
To gain some clarity
In my life
I even stopped writing
But odd strings of sentences
Still haunt me
And sleepless nights
Seem to be filled with
Endless thoughts
Of nonsense
Even dreams are
Jumbled puzzles
Of misdirection
And I just smile madly through it all