I would like to write but right now that's not going to happen.
I cannot grasp nearly enough words to describe how I feel.
sad, disappointed, confused, hurt, alone
Those are some, but only scratch the surface. So for now I will continue searching.
Not only for words, but for myself, and how to live without you.

I hate myself

I hate myself because
I'm not strong enough to say no
I kissed you knowing how I felt
I held you even when my head said not to
I let you think… I let myself think…

I am despicable
I hate people like me,
The world needs to be rid of
People like me.

The space between the sheets
that mastered your every contour
is hollow like the whistling breeze of a mountain high.
The pillow, the top of my thighs,
that cradled you while you dreamt
is stiff like a rose left cracked and shambled in baking sun.
The spot just above your ear
brimming with memories and 'mares
is cold from the barrel of a constant gun.
Your finger or mine on the trigger,
it does not matter to me,
either way waking with a bullet cozy inside
filling like the space between the sheets
and softening the brain like feathers in a freshly fluffed pillow:
A memory that haunts and delights,
a hug and a kiss
a scream and a tear,
one and the same
like the wrath of tidal waves and soft bubbles of sea foam.

I dreamt of being a snowflake while I slept a restless sleep.
It was quick -- painless
Like the death I always thought I'd be given.
I thought I fell from the heavens,
Touched by immortality and morality,
An open book -- open arms
Waiting for someone to save.
The prideful, hubris rotten, humans
Are the first to fall like bodies that could never quite get the parachute to open --
Frantic and regretful until... Splat.
I dreamt I was a snowflake,
But I do not deserve such a painless and gentle death:
Take my life, give it to another,
Surely there is any other more worthy than I --
I who have never reach for another,
I who cannot because pride demands me not to,
I who never learned it's okay to be weak
Until I found myself broken --
Like an oversized icicle, mocking and proud until gravity took it down.
I know it was just a dream when I saw myself a snowflake
Because I will not go gentle into the night.