Back in this prison,
                               Confused,
but not.

Not sure what to think,
                                         dazed,
but not.

Well aware of my surroundings,
                                                    blind,
but not.

Wanting to leave.
                                                          staying,
but not.

These people perplex me.
                                                                 crying,
but not.

I don't know how to feel,
                                                                       Confused
but not.

Everyone says
That their childhood was the happiest
And as they got older
Things got difficult

But for me
My childhood and
Present
Are the same

I was abused
I was forced to fear
I was yelled and spat at
For things that were not my fault

I was never given the same love
Given to my brothers
I never even felt love
Like they did

I was forced to lie
So I don't get beaten
I was forced to withhold my screams
That would get me in trouble

I learnt not to share my opinion
Because I knew
That they
Would insult me on it

I was never allowed
To express myself
My feelings
My ideas

My childhood wasn't a happy one
But I've learnt to survive.

You told me today,
That you wanted to die.
I could tell in your voice,
That it wasn’t a lie.

I never noticed till now,
Of how you fidgeted more.
I never noticed till now,
Of the sweaters you now wore.

But I did noticed now,
How your skin seemed pailer,
How your eyes darker.
Have you been eating?
Have you even been sleeping?

But when you told me,
I finally saw.
The darkness that surrounds you.
When did you start to fall?

Why didn’t I noticed,
That your smile missed your eyes.
Why didn’t I noticed,
That your voice told such lies.

If I had noticed sooner,
Would this had ever happened.
If I had noticed sooner,
Would you had never saddened.

I screamed for you,
Wanting it to not be true,
I cried for you,
Though I didn’t have a clue.

I waited for you,
For you to react,
But the mirror stayed still,
My image intact.

A final letter I'll write,
For everyone to read,
For when I'm gone,
I will no longer impede.

A gun to the head would work,
But then so would a noose -
Tie it, hang it, and leave it for later.
Oh no, this is too loose.

I wish I could unsee it,
I wish I could unhear it,
I wish it never happened -
And I don't want to believe it.

Talking to her,
It's all a blur ,
For during every session,
I weep through her slurs.

I have been debased,
I have been misplaced,
And every time I see her face -
I feel like an absolute.

Disgrace.