it's not so bad,
being alone that is
once your mind and soul
has turned numb
your body will follow
and it becomes okay

so when you ask me whether i'm lonely
i guess it would be accurate
for me to say yes and no
but it's okay really
i don't need pity and your useless love
because love doesn't get you through life in the end

you should try it some time
if you ever experience
something painful
come join me
in a shell of your own

we will sing the songs of past times
bright pink tinged with cold blue
and it will stop hurting for you
over time
when you become as numb as me

then you will see
that it's better to be lonely
than to be afraid

and it’s on nights like these when hope seems futile, when the air seems heavy and the weight of everything sits on me like I can’t breathe without imploding. when I walked alone in the dark and the warm yellow glow from the street lamps illuminated my every step and I took solace in the little lizard staring at me from its perch on the wall. my movements become sluggish and all of a sudden I seem to lose patience and passion for everything because there’s absolutely nothing I can do about things that are set for failure, and the night air seems sticky with apprehension and my fingers itch to dig into something. to scratch something out with permanence to see actual, solid results.

and it’s on nights like these when I find my thoughts drifting into darker streets, with every doubt clouding my path. when even friends and happy memories seem more like distant street lamps that manage to cast more shadows than bring light. when I find solace in being anonymous in crowds, bearing the curious stares of people who will never know me. on nights like these, the wind blows hot and cold at the same time, and I stare at regrets carved into skin. and all of a sudden, I find myself adding on to a marred canvas and it’s infinitely more comforting and stuffed full of guilt at the same time.

and it’s on nights like these, when I just crawl into bed quietly and end the day with a whimper.

yesterday, I watched, as you fell apart
bit by bit,
emotions aching in the scars found on my ankles and your wrists
yesterday, I listened, when she told me that she had her mother's freckles,
and she closed her hand around the phantom grip of someone
who had already left
yesterday, I couldn't breathe, while I lay in bed,
thinking of people who didn't deserve all the hurt that they were feeling
yesterday, I was a useless friend
who couldn't be there
for anyone because I
wasn't strong enough

today, you texted me
saying that you're no longer clean
and I broke inside
because I was so afraid that one day
the hospital halls you walked the other day
would become the halls that I would walk
if you let the pain consume you

I asked you to be strong
I asked you to promise me to never
make my nightmare come true
but you couldn't.

the day you thought
it out
i can imagine
it not

but today
no doubt
with words
i play

and on friendship
i am taught
and to this heart of mine
i try to grip

thankful i say
are we for this world
a home in the whirl
of silent frozen cold

You kissed me once, and it was as if the whole universe stood still.
The nights our beings ended up in the same room, inadvertently drawn closer to each other though the dawning of midnight had long passed.
Breaths heavy with the lingering scent of whatever alcohol of choice we drank down through out the evening as we occupied the same space.

I, constantly going over in my head how I could possibly bring your eyes to mine.
Seductively blinking under tired, intoxicated eyelids.
Our friends floated in and out of the surrounding space, dancing around us until we were left just with each other.

It's been quite a few years now, but we've occupied the same space since then.
Once in a while I find myself wondering if you too remember those moments, and then I laugh cause you were drunk and I was stupid.

I was leaning over the railings
Of your condominium's 11th floor fire exit.
It was a beautiful night, just a clear sky
Filled with stars.
I was smoking then while
You were just standing right behind me,
I leaned a little bit more.
You told me to stand back
"Aren't you scared?"
I told you that i have conquered
My fear of heights
Long before we spoke again
After weeks of complete silence.
I wasn't lying.
I wasn't afraid of falling—
dying anymore.
But that morning,
Your hands around my waist,
Lips on the nape of my neck
Just breathing,
I drowned.
My throat closed up,
My lungs filled with your scent,
My heart got heavier.
Your touch wasn't supposed to make me
Feel every inch i loved about you.
I was falling again,
Dying for your love;
I thought i have conquered my fear.

"Aren't you scared?"
Terrified.