As a child
I wasn't really afraid of the dark,
There weren't really monsters in my closet and the feeling of checking under my bed was never something that I had to fear,
But as I grew older,
I learned that the monster was always in a far away place,
I learned in school that monsters didn't really exist and there was nothing I should have to fear,
I grew up in a Christian home
Learning that in some way I needed to be saved and I accepted that protection
Learning that living in hell for eternity was worth being saved from
But in my innocence I forgot about the monsters that live here
As planes are crashed into buildings
And snipers in cars
Inciting terror upon innocence
As a child in a free nation is oblivious to the fact that there is something to truly be afraid of
Something that's hidden
The cracks in the glass of this facade only seem to spider across the dark crevices of my brain wishing to...
Wishing to be free
Clawing their way up my throat
Asking for forgiveness instead of permission
Wishing to let go of their bonds because the only thing that's keeping them there is the thought that they could be kept at bay
Brittle chains with keys in the locks and the only thing that stops them from being set free is us
I've been told the eyes are the window to the soul
That if you look closely you can see their thoughts and desires
And demons
And as it turns out I'm blind to the fact that when I try to look in the mirror
That monsters won't chase me in my sleep and claw away at my soul

That no one is in control of the monsters
The monsters are in control of me.

Humanities greatest lie is that we can save our selves.
The monsters won't be free because we won't let them take control until they do
And this great deception has conceived this monstrosity that nobody has seen because everyone is afraid to look inside ourselves to see how awful the wound really is
We can't see our own glass houses caving in
The monstrosities of this world are our own creation
With homicidal tendencies
and a Picasso like disposition
Spraying our own blood upon this ripped apart canvas and calling it art

As a child I was told monsters didn't exist
That, the monsters were in a far away place
They couldn't attack me in my sleep and that there was nothing to fear in this world
I just didn't realize it was all in my head.

As children we are afraid of the monsters under our bed
Asking our parents to look under neath them for us so that they can prove that it's just our imagination,
"There's nothing to be afraid of" they tell me
Running to the parents room in the middle of the night to ask to stay with them because we don't grasp the reason why we are scared to begin with.
I wonder if nightmares are from the monsters trying to be free
Breaking out of their shackles of our parents lies telling us that monsters don't exist,
That there's nothing you have to fear because the monsters can't touch you.
And you as an innocent young child convince yourself that they only tell you facts because you can't comprehend that,
It's all in your head,
The greatest lie that the devil ever told was that he didn't exist,
The second is that there are no monsters,
Lying to ourselves cause we are the monsters
And they lie to us so we put them off as non existent
It was all... in my head.

I'm gonna ask you to look in my eyes,
I wonder,
I wonder if you can see mine

How should I begin?
Maybe with a question
But I just did
A first impression failed
An old demon that you saw behind my facade
I try,
I try to hide but those piercing eyes
Merely touched the surface of this one sided window of mine,
But I found that they shattered it 
Cause when you have eyes the color of the ocean
The weight of the ocean,
tends to drown me
And as deep as I am,
the pitch black continues to consume
So I assume I should begin with the end because if I continue to sink you'll be the death of me
But they say you've never lived till you've almost died
And you've arisen an addiction of free falling
Or...
Falling on my face
Because that's the only way to get out of this haze
This high state where my brain has no sense of gravity
No sense of anything really
Because my sense of reality has become just a fallacy,
You're my mirage,
My wish upon a star,
Your a dream ,
Just as much as you are a nightmare
When I close my eyes and see that smile I can never tell when I should pinch myself
Awake
Or stay dreaming
Because a dream is a wish the heart makes I learned that watching princess movies hoping that I would be the guy that came in to save the day,
But it seems to me that I always end up being an ogre;
And Shrek was just a fairy tale,
they don't alway get the girl
And no matter how many onion layers i think i may have the scent will still make you cry
And honestly that's why you can never get close to me
But its ok cause I can only postpone the sown truth for so long
So how should I end?
How about,
I'm sorry?

A normal person from the west would see a town square here,
They’d see light from the sky,
Bricks in the walls,
Nothing to hide from
or expect from the outside,
They don't look on the hearts,
Oh the tragedy. Oh the tragedy

The faces of people they didn't want.
A model for what not to be,
They had no way to choose who they were.
They couldn't choose to be anyone else.
Oh the tragedy.
                 A wall covered in faces with names,
names with stories,
stories with feelings and hopes and dream,
So many stories that will never be said a billion years ahead,
I feel so small.
When windows have no reflection,
the intention was intending for us to not see ourselves in the picture.
I’m as cracked as the next man,
On a train to what only the darkest of dark men could find in the deep nooks of their black hearts.
Hearts like ours only hope to hide our eyes from the horrors
See the scars of total depravity
as we all fell of the rails from the start,
Who are we?
Oh! the tragedy

(STUMP)
"I marked the place of mass graves. Blood sprayed on my skin and my eyes looked into the eyes of all these dead men, women and children.
I saw them slaughtered like lambs. Watched hundreds of them be shot and murdered.
I now find my rest looking into the eyes of new faces,
those with tears and steely eyes, trying to hide their emotions."
Oh the tragedies I saw.
Oh the scars they carry."

(Boy with the sign)
Speaking doesn't take your lungs to send a message,
When dead men will say the atrocity was not the Jew;
but the people looking back at us.
--I wonder how old he was when he decided to
become enemies with his neighbor.
Oh the tragedy

They say building bridges
connects and unites,
I see here it’s used to do the opposite.
Bro-ken a p ar t like the way we came into this w o rld,
The separation from men
-and men
is perceived as the separation of men
and monsters,
Thieves and
liars,
Deceived and
Deceivers,
Bridges made to break what’s already broken.
Oh the tragedy.
(THE SOLDIER)
I killed a man in the hopes they would tell no tales
I raised my gun at his filthy heart in the
hopes to give him what he deserved
I am his executioner,
His god,
His judge”
I don't look him in the eyes cause he doesn’t deserve that
oh what a beautiful future it shall be
As I BANG
Men will look on me in the future and say…

Oh the tragedy.

"They did what was right in their own eyes."
How weak we are when we think we are strong.
All that falls apart had a place to start.

Another week over and my eyelids are drooping as I type this.
They say that
success is in reach if you just tell yourself you can do it,
But see, I've told myself to reach for success but whenever I look I only find failures
With skelatons as gifts  because I always try to get my hopes up and they end up being miscarriages of the mind,
I dropped the ball on the touchdown line
Missed the layup
Failed the class
They say success is in reach if you tell yourself you can do it.
I found that failure is more common
That disorders of the mind that go from A
to C instead of making a B line for the right answer
leaves me to believe that the work we do can only take a lot of back breaking work
and struggles and pain and late nights doing all you can to succeed and,
realizing that the dreams you dream
lead to something
Because failure leads to something too
It leads to droopy eyes and morning reflections
and doing your best to get out of bed to revel in your failures because
you will succeed.
Just keep going
Keep running
Spreading your wings as your learning what flying means from jumping
from the nest without the parachute because
we all know life is a sky full of possibilities.

Joy, shining 
Fly, happily
I'm living, 
Please, join in
Knives, slicing 
Eyes, crying 
I'm dying 
Please,don't, let me go
Warmth, sunshine 
Life, thriving 
Birds,singing 
I don't want to go 
I'm, 
So cold 
Death, 
so close 
Please,
don't,
Let 
Me
Go 
White,
Sterile 
IV in my veins 
I'm living
They've imprisoned,
me
in this place 
Sky,***** 
Stars, missing 
I'm stuck on this 
Earth 
I'm, living 
I'm, dying 
This worlds a cruel place 
I'm dying 
I'm living 
I wear my true face
Take this gift for what it is
Please don't let it go

You could learn a lot about yourself in a year,
I know that's a cliche statement,
A given if I should be so bold
But it's something that I haven't thought about till the end,
I learned that I have a tendency to hold onto things that won't hold me back in return,
That I desperately want to love
And that the lines you cast don't always lead to something at the moment,
I learned that time doesn't heal all wounds
And the truth is always the best policy even when it hurts,
And it does.
I learned that I have two ears and one mouth for a reason
Speaking doesn't always have to take your lungs for it to send a message,
and that words have volume,
You have to listen to be a leader
And I hate it when people in charge can't hear how wrong they are sometimes,
You can learn a lot about yourself in a year,
I learned that my freedom comes with a cost
My love should never come with pre requisites
And that my love tends to be acted out  rather then spoken,
I learned that I don't like to be rushed
But I enjoy being fast
I go at my own pace even when every one else would rather walk with the crowd.
I learned that acting drunk can make friends really quickly
And that some people are intimidated by things they don't understand
Do I scare you?

I'm seventeen years old,
My name is of Hebrew origin and means The Lord remembers
Gilbert means bright promise
And my middle name means maker of arrows
I have lived  six thousand five hundred sixty eight days (at the time this was written)
And while I've been alive I've truly been learning how to die,
I lean on the side of danger and enjoy testing my boundaries.
I've learned that the eyes are the window to the soul and if you follow someone's gaze it may reveal things you didn't want to know.
I learned that monsters are scary because they are human and anyone is capable of evil
I learned that I'm afraid of becoming somebody I'm not and losing the people I care about
I've learned that you can also find miracles in the messes and but you have to look at the bad sometimes to see the good
I don't like being the reason people are gone, and I would go to the four corners of this round world to gain the forgiveness of someone.
I **** at math
I have a short attention span and I like to focus on things that aren't noticed most of the time.
Like that wall over there

I've learned that moments are worth more than gold
Everything happens for a reason
Love is irrational
I need to keep my friends close because time moves quickly
Keep your eyes open
Forgiveness is hard but so is accepting your wrong
I've learned to not believe in coincidences,
I've learned that it's not my place  to judge others and every good gift and perfect gift is from above
Friends are the reason you can't have nice things
And the truth always comes out now matter how much you try to hide it
I've learned how to say just enough that it won't get me in trouble
Scars are tattoos with better stories
I guess you could say I'm tatted
I've learned a lot in a year
A week is full of treasures
Friends are every where you just have to look
And you are friends of mine

You could learn a lot in a year
I know it's a cliche statement
I've been bold enough to say so

You're hard to miss,
As if,
Trying to resist the urge to say something silly
Tip toeing around at two in the morning just to see how fun it will be to see the sunrise peeking over the ocean
Gazing at the stars in the sky as if we'd never seen something so pretty,
Etched into my memory,

You live like your dying,
With a tendency to smile and a hunger to leave earth
If only for so long
I can see it in your eyes
Etched into my memory,

You are lovely
No matter what anyone says
It's a part of you no stupid guy can take away,
Don't give up hope,
It's the one thing that keeps me moving,
It's etched into my memory

You are hard to miss,
Easy to appreciate
And easy to befriend
You're smile is gleaming like the last drops of sunlight on the oceans horizon
Waiting to say goodbye and giving the stars a chance to say hello
Etched into my memory

Don't grow up too fast,
It's a hard thing to do to your soul
And just know that
I'll get the chance see you again some sunny day
So we can say
Hello
It's etched into my dreams

So,
they say you can read a person like a book if you look from the right point of view.
If you try to...
Read deep enough into the book you may actually understand the person as a whole.
But when I look at you I feel fogged because where words should be is empty space.
A black hole.
With infinite knowledge and
Secrets like
Like empty space in our conversation where I should be attempting to say something funny but I only feel the tension that could be cut with a twig.
Or...
Your soft stare because your warm eyes seem to draw me.
Catching my glance like I'm stumbling I ask a question that I already think I may or may not know the answer to.
Only to end up mystified again.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.
But when I get the guts to try to verify its like I'm a peeping tom with tinted windows on the other side.
I see my own reflection,
Myyyy own...
Confusion
My pauses in my sentences that I try to fill with a smile that fills about as quick as it takes to pour out water.
Or blank like my soul search history
But I got mostly doubt
I strike out
Because I got all L's when I tried
And when I tried to go for the goal I tied on the way through the ribbon.
Last time I tried to read someone the game was  over before the first base was ever touched.
And all my " loves " were L's or lies because I lied to myself in saying I was an okay person or that somehow my dream girl would become reality
Because this heart is open for realty
Realtor is Cupid with a diaper and tie but I may end up with another tie because when I asked if u wanted to hang when u came back.
You said yes.
And then you asked why it was awkward for me
I said somethin like umm it was...
Nothing that I could remember
But I remember the feeling I got when I got caught in that smile like the tide. Thing is I thought I could read your emotions but could never read between the lines.

And then I blink again and we are in an embrace.  
And after the "date" we never went on
I think I tried to save face.
But the mask was more of my real face and it was blushed
All the guts that I had were kinda flushed with the flirtation and...
Space that is or isn't between us.
Because that 5 second rule was probably established between just us
And now I got space bars where my voice should be
But it's become more of an injustice
My puzzlement got me locked up in this prison
That I've been living in since the beginning offfff...
this year.
And there's a fire in your eyes its plain to see
And right now I'm hoping this is not another fantasy.
Like every book there's always the words and those are plain to see
But when I open the book I can read the seen words but the mystery lies between the lines.
So in a leap of faith I,
I cast my lines.
But, where do they lead?

I'm stalling
Trying to hold back the truth in all honesty,
Filling the empty air with...
What ever is within reach and light enough to throw
Trying to keep hold of your attention without revealing the intentions of my actions
I'm stalling,
Fumbling over my words like a quarterback getting sacked and hoping that you'll catch what I'm trying to say
What can I say?
Can't form the words without shattering the fabric of what ties our lives together

 a Wish...

See I've learned that if you sit silently when people ask you a question
 they wonder if you're paying attention.
Or if they make cents while your trying to register
what they're saying or if you're trying to change your mind
People don't see what's jumping around behind your eyes
They only see the stalling...
I'm stalling
Attempting to push back the deadline to the expiration date of this definite dead-end relationship
As I futilly to resurrect dead memories hoping that the ghost of what used to be will reanimate but in all honesty I have doubts.

A wish,
To fill the void where my love for them used to be
While emptying a Pandoras box of vexation  in a confined and constructed yet confusing confession...
this obsession with stalling sends me bouncing off walls hoping my actions will speak for my words,
I'm stalling.
Trying to push the bars of times prison cell hoping that the seconds will last a little longer than the last one,two,three,four.
Seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
months
years.
But eventually time will stop giving me passes on making the past an eventual future;
These stalls will complete their decay and die and I'm only hoping to die with them...
I'm hoping that I won't have to face the lies I've been hiding under my breath.

The truths I've hidden under my bed

The lies crawling from my lips

And the anger I've buried in my chest

It's scary what lengths man will go to hide the truth;
And I think I've gone too far.

I'm so afraid of what you might think

You don't need to know
I wish things were different
How could you be so ignorant,
I think I love you,

You could be a constellation
But I'll happily kiss you into star dust
Time slows down when ever you walk by
I want to hold you so close that I could feel your heart beat
Your hair smells nice

I'm sorry
Goodbye
I think I love you
Please don't go
I'm scared
How could you not see it
I couldn't live with out you
I'd die for you
Your tearing me to pieces
I wouldn't want to hurt you

He doesn't deserve you
I think I love you
I hate him
I hate you
I love you
I'm sorry

I love you

I'm letting go
This hurts so much
Goodbye

Hello

I wonder if,
nightmares are from the monsters trying to be free
I can sometimes feel them
Seeping into my being in my slumber
Taking over my frame of mind so that the facets of glass leave me blind to any sign of light in the dark.
It's so dark here
And I'm fumbling for function like fumbling for the right words and moments of clarity  these typewriter lines make incoherent sentences
and I but I can't be stop be heard
Because nightmare-sleep leaves me a victim
And I can't erase it,  
Can't escape it
Backspace doesn't exist in the dreamworld
Where reality is a distant memory,
Until the blank spaces and missteps
Get covered up by white out and wishes of waking up in the morning to a day where there are no monsters hiding behind my eyes

I wonder if,
nightmares are from the monsters trying to break free
They bite at their chains
Claw at their prison
Fight for what freedom they have as they baptize my mind with the coldness of their poison,
Neurotoxin making my nerves go hay wire,
Entrapping me in a trance
I try to escape
Not letting me break from the pain that they inflict on my brain and body
Assault and battery convicts stampeding  like elephants across my minds eye making me beg for control
But the guards aren't in charge of the prison anymore
It's so cold here

I think monsters use
nightmares to break free
Because when the sun rises again
I'm left with the scars
And it's a battle to let them stay behind the facade of,
"Everything's alright"
Depression presses through the fake smiles and laughs,
And stretches the sinews of my hope until they scream,
Scream at the world to stop spinning
And until I wake up
The ash and dust that is my temporary refuge
suffocates the hope of my escape from reality
And makes my nightmares come true
Because when we have nightmares we are prisoners too.
It's so lonely here
all in my head
Where reality is a distant memory,
And wishes of waking up in the morning to a day where there are no monsters hiding behind my eyes
Dance across my subconscious
Like stars in the sky,

I wonder what would happen if I let the monsters free,
Let them out of their chains
Freed them of their cages and let them crawl out of my mouth with the wind of my breathing letting them take flight and disappear in the distance.
I wonder if they would come back thinking my mess of a mind is where they belonged or if they would take refuge with the skeletons in my closet and comeback to haunt me.
I'll let them out
Watch them fly away
And go to sleep

The damage they left behind is still there
But,
It's not so dark here anymore...

Wish me away,
Because my darkness can never mix with your sunshine smile,
As I try to play insanity for joy the only thing that changes is the way my face looks,

                         My poker face,
Trying to play a game I'm failing at only gets me as far as hello,
                             Or goodbye

Or I'm sorry,

I'm sorry for my masks,
I only wear them because I can't tell if someone is doing the same to me.
My insanity is my bliss and bliss has become this apology,
I think I've mistaken bliss for ecstasy and I miss more than I hit because mirages are the only thing I actually see,

               Except for maybe your smile,
With a hint of those ocean blue eyes
Like the pacific tide line,
I tend to find myself wishing I wasn't just one of those guys on the side lines
The other side of the rainbow should I say...

I guess that was my fault because I missed out when it was my time to shine so,
Let me start again,

Hi.
I have a tendency of holding onto things that won't hold me back in return;
Like your soft hands,
Cause holding them gives me the hope that maybe the warmth from
Your heart would maybe reach mine
Maybe just maybe,
And that maybe holding on would lead to our fingers being more than just platonically intertwined,
That dancing with you doesn't really mean more than just friendship with me,
I've mistaken my own desperation for you liking me,
I'm sorry
My darkness is blinding
So seeing an angel take form in a blond is sight defining,
Because my far sightedness mixed with my astigmatism so looking I had to walk backwards to see what was happening in front of me again,

Your blinding to me
The Bane of my existence is wishing for things instead of acting
My tideline is a rip current
I don't want to drag you down with me

          So wish me away,
Because my past is passing into my present
And I'm forgetting that the gift of today is the present,
So,
I need to present to you this apology
Here it goes,
I'm
Sorry

What happens now?
Now this poem will wash away like me,
Holding on to you is like leaving the darkness permanently,
See,
I have a tendency of holding onto things that won't hold me back in return,
and I don't,
I don't want to drag you down with me

Sitting by your side in front of a boundless sea
The sky is colored by the clouds and the silhouettes

we are talking about the future
Or what the future could hold
And as I hold you close you abruptly begin to dissipate from me
Letting the wind carry you into the boundless sea

So with every thing I have I get up and I run to follow you
I run as fast as I possibly can
But as I do the sand grasps my feet like clasps
And pulls me down with its grasp
The wind is blowing fast
And the waves are crashing at the speed of a heartbeat
And I do my best to chase you
Chase you into the boundless sea

As night falls
A man walks down from the sky
With two hands for a face
And with the moments of the day
He makes me do different things
So I could not chase you,
Chase you across the boundless sea
I will wait for you to return
Wait for you to set me free
Because I'm a slave to him  
I fear his powerful gaze and he won't ever let me go
And Father Time is a master of my life
But he can never take my soul
So my sole motivation now is the hope that you'll come back to me  
So I don't have to be a slave anymore
And you can take me to that place you speak of across the boundless sea.

And now I'm drowning
Drowning in this pain
You send me notes
Send me notes across the sea
Saying that you are coming
You are coming back to
Saying we can be together
Saying that we can escape Times grasp
And fly upon the boundless sea

The other prisoners are planning
Planning to escape
So we rebelled against Time and ran into the boundless sea
And they followed me
And I followed you
Followed you as far as I could across the boundless sea
To a land where there was no time

And I was there with you
We sat together on the shore like we used to
Things were different now
There was a greater shine
You said things were different now because of the time.

Then I began to fall
Fall from the sky
And as the ground came up to greet me I...

I woke up.
To the life that is reality
To the life that is today and tomorrow
And I moved along  from yesterday
I wish I could find out where I landed the thought wouldn't leave me alone.
But the hope that you would be with me then is now gone
Gone
Far across the sea
And you were there with someone else
While i fell into the the land of forgotten dreams

Falling

Falling
With a pair of broken wings and a pained smile on my face as I once again, put on a facade for you,
And wishing I hadn't
Cause putting on the mask of a brave man who thinks he can conquer the world only goes so far as taking that first step,
And I,
I haven't taken it
I've been floating too much in the so far away land of dreams, with galaxies at my finger tips thinking that the bright shining thing in my hands was hope
But it was only expectations
Wishes that were those oh so close but oh so far pots of gold that were just over the rainbow
Cause we all know that if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence we will do everything we can to get there
Not knowing that maybe everything is fine where we are now.

See I was once weightless
No need to worry about tomorrow cause today was what I was living for and the past didn't feel the need to stalk me all the time,
And it's all that it does,
It's in my sleep
My waking dreams
My moments of joy
My misery
The past is that one guy you've known your whole life but didn't realize that he knew you more than you knew yourself
My past has passed the line from staying in my closet to hiding under my bed,
Haunting me
I can hear the crackling of his bones
Trying to slowly take away my hope like a monster takes away a child's innocence
Their weightlessness
And the gravity of the situation is that gravity really only felt the need to fall onto my spine when I told myself,
Wait
I guess it misunderstood that for the word weight cause that's all I have on my shoulders now.
Dead weight that were once wings
So please,
Help me fly again,

Help,
Me,
Fly,
Because I now realize that I'm the only elephant in the room with wings
The one willing to admit he's afraid and still hide in his prison instead of escaping, and yet still hating being alone but unwilling to admit that fear is what controls me.
Stay awake,
That little voice that tickles like the wind like hope on a hot day
I'm trying to find the faults between the lines
Don't know where I'm going
No measure of time,
But i realize now that I see  this finger painted sky.
So every time I close my eyes
It's what I see
It's the way I find hope in this misery.
With a menagerie of feelings to try to control
I'm falling to fill this gaping hole, of emptiness,
Like the facsimile of what humanity was meant to be,
Like metal shells of empty trees
We are only trying to fill this empty God sized hole, of what life used to be
So what I used to be is only able to be free
If I can only stop gravity,
Stop the falling and expectations and turn them into realities
Turn life of eternal falling into a masterpiece
With a painted sky and this raging river of life beneath me
I can finally see that mask on my face is supposed to hide a pained smile.
But I'm not doing it for you,
I'm doing it to hide me,
But i realize now that hiding behind this mask is like trying to go against gravity I'll just let hope take over me.
So, thank you my friend,
You helped me fly, again.

The smell of the dark earth emanates from me,
As the wind tries to kiss my bare skin but only tickles it trying to get my attention like sirens in an empty sea where beauty is found in the trees and these,
Rocks
See,
I was hoping that this life I lived would allow me to stop and smell the roses
But I found that time doesn't care what you want
it only sees straight forward and doesn't care about the means to reach the end,
The,
Final destination,
Whether or not your destined for greatness you're destined for a dead end, which time has orchestrated,
And final dying cries are her symphony
Because you only see how beautiful she is when she's gone,
When your out of time
Because we always want the things we lack and then it's wasted when we have plenty
I live for days wondering which second of the next minute will be my last
Because they say time waits for no man,
It doesn't have the time to as it laps you twice seconds after hearing the gun
And honestly I can tell you now second best is never good enough for me
Especially when you find all that you thought you had worked for turned out to be a lie
See time,
is brutal
Especially when it's wasted,
Because the smell of dark earth emanates from me,
And the wind tries to caress my bare skin
And I see that I should've stopped to smell the roses when I had the chance,
but I learned my lesson too late

I've challenged myself to,
in a manner of speaking,
summarize what I've learned,
To look within see where I've been and what I've picked up along the way,
And
I've learned looks are deceiving,
Like, life is a masquerade ball.
Where people tend to put on a disguise so strangers aren't a danger and potential friends will be lost in a crowd,
I've learned that until we wear true faces no ones character matches the way they look, even though I've tried to wear a mask my heart constantly is bleeding on my sleeve,
Beautiful facades can only cover what's inside.

I've learned that I take for granted what's right in front of me,
That time is substantial and that I don't spend enough thought considering it a blessing.
I've learned that buyers remorse is not only found in cash but also in seconds.
That I need to balance how I spend differently.
That people spend a lot of time wishing for what they can't have,
For example if wishes were fishes I could feed the 5,000 and then some.
the fast life isn't that attractive when you watch someone crash,
And the most interesting man in the world can't seem to quench his thirst.
I've learned that with a blessing comes multiple curses.
That I need to focus less on the volume and more on the value,
That even if the glass is half empty there's still water in the cup,
Positivity helps in negative situations,
Chasing the sun at sunset will leave you wondering "when did time get so fast?"
And where you got left behind.
I've learned that running from your problems will only make you die tired.
That if you run into a wall you probably built it.
and walls make my head hurt
And the ones I've built have forced me to navigate through a maze.
Frankly,
I still struggle finding my way back to the place I first started.
I've learned that looking to the past to change the future leaves us all nostalgic,
I can still picture all the times I got tripped up by the lines that didn't lead to anything.


I've learned looks are deceiving,
Like, life is a masquerade ball.
Where people tend to put on a disguise so strangers aren't a danger and potential friends will be lost in a crowd,
Until we wear true faces no ones character matches the way they look,
even though I've tried to wear a mask my heart constantly is bleeding on my sleeve,
Beautiful facades can only cover what's inside.

I've learned that I take for granted what's right in front of me,
That time is substantial and that I don't spend enough thought considering it a blessing.
I've learned that buyers remorse is not only found in cash but also in seconds.
That I need to balance how I spend differently.
That people spend a lot of time wanting what they can't have,
if wishes were fishes I could feed the 5,000 and then some.
the fast life isn't that attractive when you have someone else open your eyes,
people want what they can't have,
And the most interesting man in the world can't seem to quench his thirst.
I've learned that with a blessing comes multiple curses.
That I need to focus less on the volume and more on the value,
That even if the glass is half empty there's still water in the cup,
Positivity helps in negative situations,
Chasing the sun at sunset will leave you wondering "when did time get so fast?"
And where you got left behind.
I've learned that running from your problems will only make you die tired.
That if you run into a wall you probably built it
and walls make my head hurt
And the ones I've built have forced me to navigate through a maze.
frankly,
I still struggle finding my way back to the place I first started.
That looking to the past to change the future leaves us all nostalgic,
When looking back I get tripped up by the lines that didn't lead to anything.

Imitation is the finest form of flattery,
And can lead to great self-deception.
I've magic tricked myself into believing that every thing I say and do honors the Creator God I claim I love in speech but spite in action.
That actions speak louder than bumper stickers,
Christians are as flawed as everyone else,
Ive found the dark is comfortable,
That I might as well be a cockroach if I don't like the truth
It takes more courage to say your wrong than it does to tell someone else is,
the truth is infinitely more difficult to see if your eyes are always closed.
People who claim they know everything tend to also be the ones too naive to say they're still learning.
And what we call freedom of choice leaves us without it.
the best prison is the one you don't realize you're in.
I've been incarcerated all my life not knowing that I have been.
See I've had an epiphany.
I've been a prisoner of war my whole life.
Born fighting not able to choose my side
Intrinsically infected with a disease from birth.
With a human body and a zombie for a soul.
And I constantly wonder if the dead still rise.
I think they do.
See, nothing in this broken world is free.
Not even your heart beat.
But the gift of love is about as free as it gets.
So here's my gift to you.
Because I love you.
In a world where nothing is flawless and where not everything that glitters is gold.
Gods gift of perfect love is the most free you could be.
About 6,750 days of experience has gotten me this far.
See I challenged myself to summarize
what I've learned.
To look with in see where I've been and what I've picked up along the way.
And for your sake.
I hope you learn the same.

The future tends to seem hopeless,
The hopeless knowledge that time can't stop,
It won't stop,
And every moment will go away eventually
No matter how much I wish time to stop it won't

But maybe it'll slow down
Just a little
Or maybe that's what memories are for
Making little pictures of things that mean a lot to us so we can repeat them
Let them replay in our minds so they could be treasured
Just,
a little longer.

They say hearts get torn easily,
Like the fabric of those thin shirts you like to wear when it's hot outside,
and those tightly knit fibers that have been aligned and In sync since the day it was was strung together now seems feeble and fragile
And these young hearts like ours are torn from the wear and tear and get faded from getting washed from the tears and all the salt that comes from your heart being shattered to pieces,
Hearts like ours
quilted ones with different fabrics
Some soft some hard all have to be put back together like jigsaw puzzles and be made somewhat new again but not all the pieces fit together completely
See the complexity of a heart is that even the most calloused,hardened, scarred ones need to be filled with something.
The fractured missing from the whole get sown back together and redesigned to learn to deal with the pain they just experienced. And then the fabrics are made complete with safety pins to make sure the fabric stays pieced together in turmoil
See hearts like ours need safety pins like any other fabric in our life needs to be washed
Whether by hand or by beating and battering the crap out of it hearts like ours
Fragile hearts like ours need cleaning
And like any other well used fabric
hearts like ours fade and wrinkle and tear but they're still the same
Our hearts are still the same

In my few years of being alive I've learned that goodbyes are hard
Seeing people for one day to see them leave the next
It's a vexing mess
A paradoxical box where you store every pent up emotion you have and throw it to the back of the attic of your mind so you can hide the tears welling up in your eyes,
I've found that the hardest goodbyes are with the people you are closest to,
The ones you turn in the check the most with your time and then what was supposed to be minutes talking about something turns into an hour
Those days when you go back to
"Remember that one time?"

Goodbyes are unavoidable
So is the void where my love for them used to be
What's so good about pain...

The most difficult goodbyes though,
Are the ones where you don't even say anything.
Nod at that person when you walk by and then walk the other direction
The hardest goodbyes of all are the ones with someone you used to know
Where
everything about them just fades into the distance
Where the present that was their presence turns into a curse because what you once knew
Is packed in a little box in the back of your mind.
Taken up space
With dust collecting on the edges
Where good memories become sad because what you used to know is...
No longer there