I know you think
I wear lipstick everyday
And my hands always
Smell like
Chai tea and raspberries

I know you think
My tongue always
Tastes like
Melted sugar
And peppermint

I know you think
I sleep in the same lace
Underwear
You find me in
On certain Sundays
In the spring
When the air is light
And my jeans
Don't stick
To my thighs

I know you think
I'm larger than life

Above chipped teeth
And bruises
And cigarette ash
And acne

I know you think
My eyes don't turn
Blood red
And poison
When I cry

I know you think
My finger nails
Are always
Freshly painted

And I always wear
A bra
That fits

I know you think
Yoga pants are
My comfy clothes,
Never gray sweat pants
With a faded red stain
Between my legs

I know you think
My calves are always
Soft, hairless, and toned

You think
I wait by the phone
With vanilla incense
Burning in a red robe

But you're wrong
And that's impossible

I won't let you in
Cause I won't be
The one
To shatter
Your whole
Pretty, little world

I'm disgusting
Sometimes

I sleep with
Way too many
Girls and guys

And sometimes I cry so much
My eyelids peel
Til I look like
Leather face
And I don't leave my house
For 8 days

And in those 8 days
I shower
Maybe twice

My skin gets rough
In the winter

Right now
I have a
Pimple on
My left shoulder
And every morning
It looks a little
Meaner

My ***** spill
Out over the top
And the sides
Of my favorite
Sport's bra

And I don't care

I smell like burnt oil
And cheap hair dye
Half of the time

I haven't washed
My sheets in a while
And they smell like
Salt water
And chlorine

You put me up on a pedestal
From which I refuse to fall

So I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable

You'll never love me
With sticky tampons
In my garbage can
And half drank beer bottles
On my bedroom floor

I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable,

Safe

don’t mistake
salt for sugar
if he wants to
be with you
he will
it’s that simple

i'm so tired
of being

both mentally and
physically

i'm so tired of having
to
be present
to  be in a place i can't
recognize
to be in  a time i can't
relate to

i suppose my body hurts more than my tolerance

just since when did exist
ing
become so  painful
ly  heavy?

my body falls
even    deeper
my body stinks
even stronger

i swear i
loved                           life
i swear i   lived          life

a life that
is not mine
a life in a      body     i do not
own

"I can’t stop crying because I know you’re gone. 
My friends tell me you never really loved me, because if someone loved another, they’d never leave them. Especially not in the darkest of times. 
I know you’re gone and I should be over it.
I know you’re gone, and crying isn’t going to bring you back. I know you’re gone, and no amount of poetry I write will result in you calling me up at 4 am. You don’t want me anymore, and I realized that the second you quit your good morning and goodnight texts. I watched you unlove me when our love spun out of control, and hit rock bottom. The funny thing is, I only loved you more from that moment on. But I know, I know. I know I’m never going to hear you sing to me again. I know you won’t pick up my calls at the first ring like you used to, because lately I’m just forwarded to voicemails. I get it. What we had was up and down, and I can’t expect you to love me forever.
Even though you told me you wouldn’t mind doing that. You told me you wanted to get as close as possible to forever with me.
I know you’re gone. But when will my heart finally understand what my brain already does?
I wish I could forget, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m meeting new people, but somehow only the sound of your voice still echoes in my mind."

I’ve quit smoking 6 times,
quit drinking 4,
the intervals are
sparse and unworthy,
I wear jeans with
dainty holes
from cigarette butts,
my breath wreaks
of a mixture,
and my cologne
surmounts the
insurmountable,
I’ll look skyward on
chilled nights
and try to decipher
between smoke and breath,
I’ll purposefully wear worn socks
to give the sought useless
a purpose,
I’ll run soapy loofas
over scabbed knuckles
for punishment and end up
enjoying the sting,
I’ll tie ties to tight
and my shoes to loose,
I’ll scrutinize grammar,
and misspell because
hypocrisy makes me *****,
I pick at calluses until they bleed
I’ll **** on ****** hangnails
cause I like the coppery taste,
I’ll never litter,
and I fight at bars,
I drink alone now,
but I’ve quit 4 times,
allow me to put into perspective
that quitting anything
has moved from an elective
to becoming eclectic,
and new habits,
for me, don’t replace
old ones but squeeze them in
to a car destined at a dead end,
but what doesn’t **** me now,
makes death so much sweeter
in the finale.

didn't i tell you?
we cannot escape darkness
while avoiding light

I once carved poetry into your back with the nail of my pinky finger-  so that any girl who lays beside you can read the way I fell in love with your breathing after all the nights you found sleep before I did. Maybe they'll get a bitter taste in their mouth when they realize my love for you was not enough to make you stay.
You traced your fingertips on my skin as though I was simply a map that led to your pleasure. You sunk your teeth into my shoulders while pulling back on my hair because you were convinced that I couldn't feel anything; somehow its 3 years later and my eyes still read through our conversations searching between the lines for the reason you left.
You used to touch me as though your hand on my thigh was the key to my heart and my moans were the only ways of expressing my love to you but you'll never be able to read the poem on your back that says I could feel your heart beat on the mattress of my twin bed... its been three years and my sheets still smell like vacancy. My heart is collecting dust in the corners because no ones been in there since you decided it wasn't enough for you. I can't recall the rhythm of your heart and sometimes my lungs forget how to breath.
Its days like these I wish you were right about my inability to feel. But God knows there are more nerve endings in my heart than the place between my thighs and maybe if you wouldn't have ****** all the love out of me it wouldn't be as hard to see you go.
Its been three years.

my knees
swell. my kidneys
fail. i used to
brush my
hair find
tangles, now i just
let them
break. i let them
break
if only my father
is here he will say
no. he won't say
anything i
can imagine. i can't
be
i can't
be.
i don't know how to
talk. the
ability has left
my vocal fold, it has
gone to somewhere better
not here. it has gone
to the place
it's recognized where
it's heard
not here.
not here. my knees
swell i am oversized
in a small present
box for
pranks. pranks. pranks.
i get bored
bored bored boring.

I left my heart in Belgium
I left it on her bed
I thought it’d fade like autumn
Wither like leaves until dead
She said she’d hold it close
Keep it warm throughout winter
She’d treat it like a rose
And bring it back as warm as fire