I feel like I'm drowning in sea of you

You are a sea,

And I'm person who cant swim

I fall out of my safe haven

My old relationship

And I fall into you

You mean no harm

But to my demons it doesnt seem that way anymore.

To them you are a typhoon waiting to drown me with vigor

But all you want to do is safely guide me to shore

But on your bad days, the storms are so bad that I can barely keep my head above the water

On the good days, I float on my back and soak up the sun

I never know what to expect

But today

I'm drowning

And there's no help in sight

I don't know why I keep crying

What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I keep my emotions stable?

Why is this happening to ME

Why!?

Why can't I just be normal

For once in my miserable life

I have a great girl

I have amazing friends

Supportive parents

Understanding siblings

So why me

Why does this still happen to me

After all these years of not feeling okay

Why can't it just go away

Why can't I just stop crying

I love everyone in my life

I'm not so sure that I love life anymore

Or even myself.

I cry myself to sleep a lot

Almost every night

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight

I can see it now,

Head in my pillow to muffle the sobs so my sister won't hear me

I won't tell you that I'm crying

I don't want you to worry

I can't have you worry about me anymore than you already do

Which is a lot

So I'll just cry by myself

Without anyone knowing

All alone

Like I'm meant to be

I have these little white lines

They're on my thighs

They tell the stories

Of the times I sat in my bathroom and cried

Of the times I felt truly alone

Of the times that I was told that I'm not loved

They bled

And they stung

But I still did it

Time and time again

Like it was nothing

I was told to stop

Or they would lock me up

So I stopped letting people find out

No one knew

I was so good at hiding it

Until one day

Someone hit my thigh and everyone found out

They were so upset

I stopped

And now all  I have are lines

To remind me

That at one point

I wanted to hurt myself

Truth is

That sometimes, I still want to

I have a noose in my drawer

It calls out to me sometimes

It calls my name in the dead of night

Luring me to tie it to my fan

Stand up on that chair

And drop.

It tells me that it would look pretty around my neck

Like a diamond necklace

It tells me that everything would be better

If I just died

If I got away from this hell called Earth

It tells me that no one really loves me anyway

So why not,

Just jump from that chair

With my pretty necklace tied around my neck

And when they find me,

They won't be sad

They'll be happy that I'm finally gone

Out of their lives

No longer a burden

No longer a pest

No longer Breathing

And six feet under the ground

Where I belong.

This feeling isn't new

But I hate it

I hate the way she looks at me when I talk about you

I hate the way my mom hates you

I hate the way my sister doesn't trust you

You've been nothing but good to me

You give me the love I need

You whisper 'I love you' into my ear when we hug

And don't even get me started on your kiss.

This feeling isn't new

I've felt like this for a while

I've been in love with you since the first time we made eye contact

The first time we touched

The first time you said 'hello'

So much has changed since then

Both of us have gone through some pretty toxic relationships

We held each other when we cried

We talked into the late hours of the night

We waited for each other

Even though it may not seem that way

But in the back of our heads

We knew

I knew

You're the one

So yeah, this isn't new

But everyday is a new day

And I want to spend every new day with you

For the rest of our lives.

I feel like I'm breaking
                Everyday it's a new bone

Broken, Bruised all of this and more
               I feel like my mind is racing

So many thoughts
               Not enough room

So many things to keep track of
               Yet I'm still able to function

I'm still able to fake my happiness
               I'm able to convince everyone else that I'm okay

But truth is
                       I'm still breaking

Little by little
                                         Everyday

And soon enough
                                                                  I will fall apart completely

My thoughts are like ice cold water

When they wash upon my brain, it numbs

I have been numb for oh so long

So that's why I use my razor

Because, for a moment I feel something

I feel the pain I know I deserve

Because I'd rather feel the pain than feel numb.

As the pills slide down my throat

I burn with regret

Of telling him that I love him

Of fighting with my mom

Of not telling my family I love them enough

Of being me

I'm just a burden

At least some people think so

I'm one of those people

I told them that everything is better

But I lied

I told them

That I haven't hurt myself lately

But I have

Small cuts on my thighs

Not enough to stand out,

Just enough to bleed

Just enough to feel the pain I know I deserve

As I close my eyes for the last time

I think about how I got here

They are going to think that it was me

But

Truth is,

It's not me

It's the pills

****

*****

*****

*****

That's all we hear

Everyday

Over and over again

When does it end

When will the stigma fade?

Girls,

We are beautiful

We are strong

We are not;

Fragile

Made of sugar and spice and everything nice

We are made of steel

We are born of strong mothers

And Grandmothers who went through it all

Who carried the weight of the world on their backs to make a better world for us.

We are told from a young age that we can't do anything

And I'm here to change that

Be you

Be strong

Be like a girl.

Stand with me

As I break this barrier of hate

Stand with me

As I get closer to the finish line

Stand with me

As I change the world

Stand with me

As I make us free

Once and for all

Stand with me

And we will soar

I am learning to love myself

I am learning to embrace my scars

To embrace a little extra skin

To feel okay no matter what I'm wearing

To not let the words get to me

To not let them pierce my skin

They will ricochet off my skin

They will only make me stronger

And soon enough,

I'll be stronger than you

Watch out, I'm coming for you.

When will you learn

That I am not a toy

I am not here for your entertainment

I do not exist for you

I exist for me

I don't dress for you

I dress for me

I don't need your approval

I don't need your permission

I want to be free

Not trapped in a cage like a bird

Singing a song of misery

I want to spread my wings and fly

I don't want you

I want me

And that's what I'll have.

You tell me you love me,

But when will you show it?

You tell me that I'm beautiful,

But never to my face

You tell me you're here for me,

But shy away in person

When will your love extend outside of your phone?

Love me tenderly

No not like that

Softer, Sweeter, With more love

They way it's supposed to be

Don't leave me

Nevermind don't look at me

I'm sorry, I love you

I don't care I hate you

I can't make up my mind

But all I know for sure is that I want you.

Your skin is like paper

It cuts so easily

One razor can ruin your skin

It can cause permanent scars

Ones that never fade

Ones that will always be there to remind you that you are nothing

You're like a sea

Thoughts of you wash over me

Soon enough,

Thoughts of you drown me

Not in a bad way

But to the point where the only person I can think of is you.

I love thinking of you, but then the thoughts start to change,

My anxiety whispers lies into my ears, about how you don't love me

Even though you said you do

That you don't want me,

But that's not what your arms around me suggest.

You are a sea,

And I'm a rock that your waves wash over.

Your light outshines the rest

It's brighter and sweeter

It bekons me like a ship to a lighthouse

Like a moth to a flame

I can't get too close though,

I fear I might burn myself

I feel like you will push me away

That you'll ignore me

That you'll laugh at me  

Somedays, I see your light and think to myself,

What would I do to bask in your light?

To shine brighter than the rest

But you dont see me

You don't even know I'm alive

For I am just darkness

And you are light

Love between us is forbidden

And why would you love me?

I bring fear

You bring hope and happiness and life

You'll never feel the same

Why?

I am darkness

And you are light

Your lies lured me in

They sounded sickly sweet

If only they were true

Maybe I would've stayed longer

Maybe I would never have walked away

Maybe we would still be together

But your lies stopped

I was no longer beautiful

I needed to lose weight

I was no longer your girl

I was your responsibility

I was no longer worthy of your love

I was only worthy of the truth

The painful painful truth

But no matter how painful it was,

I stayed

And I listened

Until one day you lied again

I finally saw through the facade of your lies

I no longer held onto the notion that I was nothing

I became myself again, well as much of myself that I could

I left you and never looked back

You called and texted, but I never answered

I finally had you out of my life

And I was going to be free

Until I wasn't

You showed up again

You sweet talked me into believing you again

This time it went too far

I believed you a little too much

So much that I'm now six feet under

In a way that's a good thing

It means that I don't have to hear your sweet lies ever again.

Everyone fears something.

Whether it's the dark

Or spiders

Or thunder

Or people

Everyone has a fear

But some fears are worse than others

Some people fear the unknown

Some even fear, fear itself

Me? I have a lot of fears.

The one that outweighs the rest though,

Would have to be looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person looking back at me.

When you say love what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

Does pain come up?

How about suffering?

How about tears?

Fights?

Yelling?

Yes, love can be bliss and it can be pure.

But that's not it.

Love isn't always kind.

Love can be cruel.

Cupid can shoot you with the arrow but not the person you now love.

Unrequited love is the worst kind.

But when two people are in love, it's a feeling that can't be expressed in words.

It can be hell.

But if you are truly in love, you can overcome anything.

My happiness is gone.

I don't know where it went.

It might have slipped out of my heart and up my throat while I was sleeping.

Or someone might have stolen it.

All I know is that it's gone forever.

I have my happy pills.

They force fake happiness into my brain.

They trick my heart into thinking that I'm happy.

They trick my friends into thinking I'm happy.

They trick him into thinking I'm happy.

They trick my family into thinking I'm happy.

But the worst of all is that they trick me into thinking I'm happy.

My happiness is gone.

Where could it have gone?

Maybe it's there behind your ear.

Or hidden in a hat.

Is this a magic trick?

One where you wave your hand over the hat and say the 'magic word'?

This is a cruel trick.

One that can't be undone.

My happiness is gone.

And its no where to be found.

Darkness, thats all I can see.

No light, no glimmer of hope.

No way out, no way in.

How did I end up here?

How do I escape?

Simple, I don't.

When will the light kiss my face again?

When will the wind caress my skin?

When will the grass tickle my feet?

It wont.

I will never be allowed to leave.

I can never be who I once was.

I can never go back.

I might be happy now but that can change.

The darkness will slip it's cold dark hand into my heart and steal it away.

How long will this last?

When will it be over?

When will my cries be heard?

When will this darkness release me from it's grasp?

The answer?

Never.

My heart beats like a drum.

It only beats that way for you.

The steady beat thrums in my chest.

'*** *** *** ***'

If you are near it speeds up.

'BumBumBumBumBum'

When you are away it gets softer.

'***        ***       ***       ***'

I love the sound, oh how beautiful it is.

I hear yours too when my head is on your chest.

It speeds up when I smile at you.

Does it slow when I leave you?

Or does it stay the same, unbothered by the lack of my presence.

I need to know, if your drum reacts the same as mine.

Two drums beating in harmony.

Two drums beating in time.