I haven't taken a breathe in a minute and twenty seven seconds
And I haven't seen you in a year and twenty seven days
And I'm still in love with you
I'm beginning to see stars

I tried to
forget you
but you're
trapped under
the skeletons
in my closet

Day four; 6/13/14
Today's Friday the 13th. I didn't talk to you today. I didn't have to think about you for two hours while I slept in the day. I didn't dream of you or anything. Needless to say, I saw your face the rest of the day.
I cut my things last night while thinking about you. My breathing a raspy today, but surely there.
The four chambers of my heart aren't pumping blood as they should because you've filled all their spaces.
X-rays have confirmed your hair falling out of every hole in my chest are.
I miss school these days because at least I knew you had a place to escape that was safe.
Now you're going away -running away- to the Air Force and I'm terrified you'll never return.
You turn eighteen on September 5th.
You'll officially old enough to leave.

I can't watch you go.

Day five; 6/14/14
you didn't answer me today
no matter how long I fall apart over you, you're name never reads across my phone screen

I wish so much that I could be glad about my living days
and love my nights even more
but instead I keep my mind busy in the daylight and cut my thighs til I fall asleep in the night time

I used to think you were the vest parts of me
now I'm beginning to believe you are the worst of me

you've ruined me

Day six; 6/15/14
You doing this feels like torture

I think you want me to tell you I hate you

I cannot and will not, nor do I

but I'm losing my mind and body trying to patch you're brokenness

Do you remember the time you crinkled up your nose at the sound of my favorite band and shook your head in dissaprovement?
You used to do it all the time
You picked at me like you picked at your scabs
Except instead of it hurting you, it hurt me

Do you remember when you said why with a look of disgust when you saw the scars on my ankles and I told you I was sad, that I'd cut them with razors and scissors?
I still do it all the time

I remember the next day after you found out you told your friend and he told the entire softball team and I asked you why with a look of disgust on my face, you said well it's gross
And my eye lids filled with tears, the dam broke and they fled free
You said stop, you're making a scene

One day when I came home from the library I found my Christmas lights that were strung across my walls, crushed into pieces
And you said you need to grow up and stop acting like a child
I screamed in terror that you destroyed them just like my heart
But all you did was laugh and say oh please, stop being so melodramatic

Nothing I did was ever good enough for you

You painted my walls grey so I could toughin' up and stop whining all the time
How the hell was grey walls going to do that?
I hated you so much but was so afraid of that hand that was inevitably going to collide with my face and legs and back and nose
And those hands that would crush my bones over and over
And that fist that would plant a black and blue bruise on my left eye

Why do you hurt me?

I always want to start my poems with "its funny" even though they never are

they're always about you or her

I don't understand why I can't write anything beautiful
but then again, I don't understand why you two left
you slammed the door in my face
and my best friend sneaked out slowly
did she not think I'd notice?
I cannot sleep and I cannot breathe and I cannot listen to music without your faces coming into view

I see you everywhere
I'm always double looking
and my throat catches
but its never you
just my mind playing tricks and my hopes getting up to knock me down

oh ****. I just realized I'm writing about you two again.

Woah,
its my seventeenth birthday
and all I can think is
tomorrow is yours

Ill carve your name into my forehead so every time I look into the mirror ill die a little more inside
Because your gone and I'm torn
I can't cope

So much for cardiac muscle because it ripped in half like a thin piece of paper

Ill stay up for three days and three nights writing you poetry you'll never read
And I'll burn it on my leg so it can soak into me, I'll never forget you that way

People will try to say kind words and ill save them in a canaster so I can sit them on your grave at midnight

Ill believe you will be coming back, ill live in denial

You're gone and I can't breathe
Words have escaped me

Maybe ill go to see you tonight
Oh please don't save me

You use to fill me with hope everyday
And now I dread the idea of you

But how is it
That I love you so much?

Rip and tear, sew and mend
It's an awful process, repeating day by day
Cycle in, cycle out

And I still love you

You thought I had a heart
Until you learned it was carved from stone

It bled for you once, but you took it for granted

And he, he was so sad
And oh, so lonely

Until one night he jumped into the lake and swam to the bottom where he tied himself to drown

And I couldn't go on living with an empty space
So stone was carved
And my heart, he was replaced

I am constantly thinking people are doing me wrong
I can't shake the feeling that somebody is using me, tearing me down, has it out for me

But tonight I wonder if it is my fault
I feel like everyone hates me, I say this reasonably
Because maybe, if I was looking through another person's eyes I'd see myself hurting others
I'd feel someone elses pain

I am far from perfect, but I like to think my only good quality is kindness
But am I really kind?
Do I love fully?..
Whole heartedly?
Am I really who I say I am?

And so I am conflicted and perpetually confused completely with myself

Who am I when I'm not looking?

I always thought of you as glass
but I didn't think of what made you
and that your past could linger

I said some things I shouldn't have
and you cut me right through and cleanly off

My body's in sync with his, moving to the rhythm
but my minds off chasing the thought of your yellow-gold hair and ice blue eyes

he keeps asking if it feels right
and its so hard to lie
because I miss your hand on my thigh
so now I'm trying not to cry
I can't get air with hair blocking my windpipe

id like to tell you you're ****** in the head and you've made my life hell
but its hard to say ****** things to ****** people that you just so happen to love

I hate how much I miss your loud, obnoxious voice
but I remember how much I love the sound of it when you're speaking so quietly
and the way your hips curved underneath my finger tips
and the way you explain such difficult situations with such simplicity

its bad when every love song reminds me of your face

and your lips are like coming home after a long trip away

"It must
be horrible
to live
your life".

So high I can't feel my face
I'm so high I'm turning blue
But don't worry baby, this will all pass and I'll be miserable once again

When did drugs become my best friend?

You say you see me but you don't
You say you feel me but your touch is not near

Future me says this is a bad idea, but present me says this is the sweetest taste I've ever felt

So come to me ecstacy, acid, ***, shrooms
Be my guide until I find my way and make me feel when I feel nothing at all

I want to be the one you call to carry you home when you're too drunk to stand

In a sense, I am broken,
but mostly just lost
I can't seem to figure why two selfish people
and one Holy God would create me?
Upon entering I am to live and die
Exactly what am I living for?
How do I, one being out of seven billion people, make a mark on the world?
It cannot be love I am searching for, because I am hopeless and blatantly disgraceful in that aspect
A mother, it cannot be
I am too dismantled to raise a breathing human being,
something that would solely depend on me
Besides, why would I want to bring someone helpless into a cruel and unjust world?

Lazy and obviously lacking ambition with dreams I will never uphold, is the simplicity of me

So therefore, you see, I am a lost soul
Breathing until I am finally deceased
The most unfortunate fact of this news is that I have years of breathing and holding absolutely no meaning

I remember when I used to wish that I could be one of those people who didn’t care about anything. one of those people who had an on and off switch, and whenever they didn’t want to feel a certain way they just flipped the switch. I used to beg for it. it never came, day after day I was the same. I was so emotionally unstable that walking against the wind cracked my bones.

Eventually my day came, but followed, was weeks then months after months of an empty void. I know I should feel angry or upset when someone says a cruel joke or another someone ***** me over or a friend decides to leave  but I dont. I feel like I've been scratched on the surface. There’s no depth to the hurt. No real feeling, no raw pain. The scratch doesn’t even need a bandaid. sometimes I wish I could feel again, but most of me doesn’t care enough to even have a wish.

The majority of my conversations are with myself. At one point in my existence I couldn’t be away from someone for longer than an hour without the anxiety beginning to set in. Today, an old friend and I met up and he told me I’m too quiet, I don’t seem like myself. I think that’s when it hit me that I am quiet these days, because I only talk to the little man inside my head. He and I, we don’t need to speak out loud. My friend asked me who I hang around now, and again I had no answer to give because I hang around me. I talk to me. Me and I, we are friends, and we are the only friends we need. Who else could understand me the way I do?

This wondering has brought me and I to a conclusion that maybe we are turning into ghosts. We think we are becoming more invisible as the days pass. We think it is okay.

I'll **** myself to
make you feel whole

I'll lie to make
you feel alive

I'll hold my
breath and turn
myself blue to
make you feel
brand new

I'll wish my
life goodbye
to make you feel
self-confident

I'll bleed pints
of blood to help
save you

holy ****
I thought I was over you

I thought your touch no longer sent electric through my body
I thought your lips no longer made my heart ache

but *******,
I don't understand how the mere image of words scribbled sixteen ******* months ago could leave me so damaged, so torn to shreds

and I've never hated someone as much as I hate you
so how the **** do I also love you?

I wanted you to fix what we had
yet you didn't even care enough to attempt it

at first you only took half of my heart, but you got greedy
you scorched my chest and stole the other half
and then you ******* laughed

you began to tear my heart in chunks
and gave it out to anyone who would take it




it's amazing how after all this time I still can't look at anyone with a half-smirk smile because I see your haunting face staring back,

*******

You're in another galaxy
One completely of your own

I break my bones to build a ladder
I need to see you
I need to breathe you

I've missed you all my life
But I've only seen you in my mind
They are not dreams, but nightmares in which you always die
And I'm left scraping your flesh off the ten foot cliff

You didn't realize your galaxy was a gift
You believed it was a punishment
For your own selfish sins

Your galaxy was your skin and your mind and your breath
And the stars aligned the day you were born
Just like the moon was full

Magic happened to make your galaxy. Be alive to see it.

My world has stopped.
It's ceased to exist.

Every ounce of me is gone and no one is anywhere to be found
I am looking into a black hole, it's never ending
There is no light at the end of the tunnel

Everything's just simply vanished

But the funny thing is, the world continues to spin, day in-day out
All of me is empty, I swear to god if you knock at the place my heart should be, it'll sound hollow
Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things

Look into my eyes, they are empty
I'm just a ghost

Trickling blood became a common scenery for me

It was once a promised high,
Something I looked forward to at night

But like everything it got boring and when I tried to split my skin in two to feel something after you, I was numbed
Your face is shown in my nightmares,
Mostly you die

Slitting your throat is your favorite game to play

Your body is pressed to mine when a gun shows and blasts your brains on the wall behind us and I'm left supporting your limp body

But sometimes you call me to the top of a building and you say goodbye, I cry, beg and plead, while you lean backwards, drifting down the bottom of a sea of people

Stop haunting me

Ive been breathing the same air for seventeen years, two months, and twenty-six days
and for six of those years
I've felt the same pain-staking, aching feelings for you
my heart has been crushed and stomped by your beautiful and terrifying hands and feet
god knows if you ever wanted me back id be there in a heartbeat
since you've been gone I'm not okay
I wonder if I should send myself to hell since you don't love me anymore
you have a thousand different worlds in your skeleton and your mind is full of words I could never understand
but your veins are made of ice and the hole where your heart should be is vacant
i used to secretly listen to you sing in the shower and i always wondered what your vocal cords were made of
they sounded tough as rope and i thought if i ever needed to **** myself i could use them
you're extravagant like winter especially at night when the ice hangs on the naked branches and snow has just fallen with nobody to trample it
your hair reminds me of a wheat field and your hips are shaped so definitively
your eyes dance and your fingers could do the perfect whip stitch

and i can't stop missing you
and i might as well be dead without you

I remember all those summer nights sitting on my rooftop smoking cigarettes while we would talk for hours on the phone

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember telling you I wished I'd never met you and how much of a ******* you were
Cause you broke my heart

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good it felt when you kissed me and the day we had ***, oh I thought it was love

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good you smelled and the way you smiled when you would get shy

And I wish that I'd forget

Do you remember when we compared hands? Yours were so big placed in the palm of mine

Do you wish you'd forget?

As cliche as it may sound,
you were the other half of me,
the better half of me

I was never able to walk safely without your hand on my shoulder
I was never able to sleep at night without hearing your voice on the phone
I was never able to interact with others at school without your tiny little body standing next to me, projecting all your confidence into my being

You were my one and only best friend with your much too thin, way too short brown hair, California sun-kissed skin, and perfect three pant-sized waist

And I know this sounds as if I were in love with you in such a way that I wanted to kiss your thin lips, but it is not that at all

I wanted you, all of you, to myself and no one else, that is the truth
I was selfish and greedy and I expected all of your time
I hated who I was, I hate who I am, I needed you to make me a better person

I did not feel like a whole being without you
I do not feel like a whole person without you
And I still need you to stand me up and hold me still so that my teeth do not chatter

You bloomed sudden intelligence and drifted away from me, the smartest thing you could've ever done for yourself
You left me all alone
Without you I've fallen over
The ants and flies have scoured my body for every last bit of remaining flesh
I'm decomposing now, I will be worm food
........
At least I know I was put on this earth for a reason

****

All I do is want to hate you
But I love you more than I could ever miss him

I miss home so much
But it's not really home I miss

It's you.

My stomach feels tight and my airway is constricted
I want to cry tears of sadness
On your neck in the moonlight

I miss you so much it hurts

They say home is where the heart is, I'm no where near home.

your voice
feels like home

You’re hands enclosed around my throat but all I saw were stars and your pretty face
I think I saw you lying face down in a ditch but maybe that was just a dream
You bit my arm with teeth sharp as knives but all I could feel was a kiss in depth
I pointed a gun at your face and you flashed a devilish smile at mine
You tied me to the bed and chopped off all my hair but I pretended you were an angel resurrecting me from the dead
And the night i snuck into your bedroom to surprise you with the moon you knocked me over and slit my wrists and throat
And still, I think I love you

My knees are shaking
and my palms are sweating, which they never do, but because of you they happen to be

and I'm going to slice so far into my skin that I'll be gasping for breaths because you're leaving me (or you've left already)

I'm not so sure I'll get through the night
but I sure as hell can try
even though razors and pills and nooses are clouding my thoughts

because if there's one thing I can do its let you go and still be alive when you come back

Every time i look at the lights on my ceiling i think of you and every time i smoke a cigarette i try to smoke you away

mist in the morning sky is what I wish you were but waves in the ocean is what you are and day after day you're there

and as much as I try not to look at your house when I pass your road I do

moments without you are like millenniums without you

I'm having trouble breathing with the thought of you pressing at the center of my mind and your hands feel as if they're wrapped around the front of my throat

I don't see much anymore except the color of blue just like your eyes

trying to **** the pain of you is tearing me down
I'll be shredded trash before I know it

I go to the ocean a lot these days to try to block the noises out like the sound of your voice in my ear canals every half a second

its a shame you don't love me anymore because I'm having trouble loving anyone else

What is Consciousness?
The spirit as our inmost part is the inner *****, possessing God-consciousness, that we may contact God
The soul is our very self a medium between our spirit and our body, possessing self-consciousness, that we may have our personality
The body as our external part is the outer *****, possessing world-consciousness, that we may contact the material world

All around I look and I see hardened hearts
Though that’s what you told us not to do.
“Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion”
Down another bottle of anti depressants to make you feel stable tonight
Eat another plate of dinner to make you feel full, satisfied
Smoke one more joint to give you peace
Just one more drink to help you sleep, keep the demons away
Spend your money on one more shirt, you know, shopping therapy
And yet, still empty, hopeless

I know if I flip the switch I can experience the beauty but I feel the weight of the sufferings of this world on top of my shoulders
Loved ones passing away,
Children sick and dying,
****,
Torturing of the mind,
It holds me down, chokes me out

Breathe in, breathe out
That’s what I tell my daughter anyway
When her emotions are getting the best of her,
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Notice 5 things for each sense
Count your fingers, 1,2,3,4,5
Sniff and smell 1)wax melt 2)mommy’s hair 3)your favorite stuffed animal 4)the blanket 5)laundry
Look at 1) bubby’s eyes 2)the blue grey painted walls 3)Azora’s yellow shirt 4)toys all over the floor 5)the fuzzy carpet
Listen to 1)the birds outside 2)the tv in the background 3)the fan in the bedroom 4)my breath, in and out 5)Azora’s laugh, one of my favorite sounds
1)take a drink of your juice 2)taste the cookies I just made 3)the inside of your mouth 4)garlic green beans, mommy and Azora’s favorite 5)daddy’s best omelette

And we’re back to calm waters

One night Jesus told me He forgave me
Of course I thought, what do I do to deserve this? Only He replied,
You are loved
And so my journey began, to become a fisherman of people
So I say to you, call out to Him as I did, admit your sins, whatever they may be, jealousy, anger, envy, lust, abuse, drunkenness, ****** immorality, pride, do not hold back because He knows what our thoughts are and what is written on our hearts. In doing so you will turn from the darkness, in to the light.

Notice the trees, the grass, the flowers, the waters, all the beauties of the Earth and then for one moment begin to imagine Heaven. There will be no sufferings, no night, no darkness. All colors will be more in depth, richer, fuller.
Imagine time and space all in one. One moment can last a lifetime and a lifetime can last for a moment
Being able to experience the past, present, future all at once  

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.“

You really ****** me up this time
I fell in love with your chocolate fountain eyes
You continue to run away from me as I run towards you
We're going in circles because you don't want nor need me
And I love you

I want you
And I want all of you
I know this because when I think about simply kissing you, my heart thumps wildly out of control
And I get butterflies
All while being turned on

I want you, but I don't know why

You're stubborn and loud
And clearly annoying
You're set in your own selfish ways
And still, I cannot figure out why I'd carry you home after you got sloppy drunk
Or why I'd jump in front of a bus for you when you wouldn't even bat an eye for me
Why I'd kiss you after you held a knife to my throat
Or why I'd mend you after you punched a hole through my bedroom wall
I couldn't tell you why I'd do these things, but I would

And I can't figure out if that's love or insanity

I've been kissed by a razor
he leaves ***** red stains
he says he's only here to help me breathe,
to relieve
and I almost believe him
but all I ever feel is guilty and ashamed
I've been kissed by a razor on my thighs and shoulders
he's even nipped me on the wrists
I think he's daring to kiss me where others might witness
he whispers ***** words to me at night and sends tremors down my spine
he's trying to bite me and take me "home" for good
This razor, he finds me on rainy days, says he wants to take the pain away
This razor, he is not my friend
he's trying to take chunks out of my velvet skin
No, this razor is not my friend, but he says he can hush the anger inside my head
I've been kissed by a razor who promised happiness
I thought I'd let him just have a tiny taste,
but he didn't stop
and this place he called "home"
is only hell
I should've known.

I stood in the road
wishing God had let
somebody dump
cement over my body
and carve my name
into the heap

Look, I’m gonna get straight to the point

see, I’ve been missing you for a while now 

and you know, it’s not the kind that makes me just wish you were here but the kind that drags me to my knees begging for breath, or to just stop it 

I don’t know man, you really ****** me up 

I’m having no luck w living this life w out you 

And tbh I don’t really want to

So could you stop being a lil ***** and kiss my neck again? 

I pray to ******* god, & I swear I don’t even believe in him, that you come back

I’m not sure if you meant to leave me to drown but you sure as hell did 

I’m trying not to remember but youre not exactly easy to forget

Especially the nights we drove in the car for hours and listened to music

I’d turn it up, you’d turn it down & then the talking would start 

And ****, I know..trust me..i know, we were never together but we were ******* something, weren’t we?

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve leaked a few words to my mother 
& relapsed w cutting 

******* you, ya lil ****** 
Fuckfuckfuck I can’t stop thinking about your stupid little laugh that I swear to Jesus Christ patched a tiny hole in my heart
I’m sorry this should be beautiful but honestly there’s nothing beautiful about you tearing me apart


How am I dying & you didn’t even flinch?

on one hand
i've never been so happy about you not being here
and on the other
i've never been so miserable without you next to me

people ask how i'm holding up
i don't know what my honest answer is
i'm dumbfounded
i think you're something i just have to let go of because i was used to you being around for so long, not so much i miss you
you screamed and cried day after day
you hated this life
and all the people in it
i tried to save you, but you were too far in
i leaned just a little and toppled over you

now you're above and i'm under and
I'm
Just
Not
Sure
How
To
Breathe